Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Ive got a COLD - YIPPIE!
Sounds so silly doesnt it - who hopes for a cold? Meeeee...... i take that as good news since that means that my natural killer cells are so low that they cant fight off this cold. I feel like crap and of course i would rather feel good but i like the little assurance that spending $2,100 may have done what they wanted it to do. Of course I wont know for sure until i have my blood tested and then hopefully a BFP then 6 or 7 more of these treatments. The cost is unreal, but of course worth every single penny if it can stop me from miscarrying babies!
Monday, March 1, 2010
The call I’ve been waiting for!
The call from the embryologist - not as bad as expected so that is always a nice plus.
Got 10 eggs:
8 mature
1 immature
1 degenerate ( i think that means too mature)
Out of the 8 only 6 fertilized.
They will watch the other 2 but don’t expect much from those slackers.
I wanted to transfer all 6 on Wednesday but she said the doc wouldn’t do that as of now since they all look "normal". So what we will do is transfer the best 2 on Wednesday and then again the best 2 on Friday. Its called a subquential (spelling?) transfer. And then the chance of the other 2 being any good for freezing would be 10%.
I don’t understand if they think they only have a 10% chance of “taking” then why they wouldnt just put them in. Dr K and I talked about it and he agreed to put in even the ones that they call “non-viable” and now they wont do it. I am NOT happy about that at all but I have to move on. Can't argue and piss off the person who will be “watching and caring” for your embryos. Would hate to have an accident occur in the lab, yanno?
My issue with it all and I’m sure she is quite annoyed with me, but she will get over it, is that we have NEVER made it to day 5 (which would be Friday) so why would I push it to day 5 with so little amount of embryos? Doesn’t make sense to me to "push my luck" where I have 2 other cycles that show the embryos don’t make it that far but so we chose to do the above type of transfer. I can also choose to put 4of the best in on Wednesday (a day 3 transfer) if they don’t look that great that day. And then hope we chose correctly and that the others would make it to blast to be frozen on day 5 or 6.
I don’t know how to feel about it all, I am very happy to have more to work with and she just kept saying “if they are gonna work then they will, nothing we can do about it”. I don’t like that but I know she is right. Its gotta be pretty easy to say that when its not YOUR last chance or YOUR embryos or YOUR dream.
Got 10 eggs:
8 mature
1 immature
1 degenerate ( i think that means too mature)
Out of the 8 only 6 fertilized.
They will watch the other 2 but don’t expect much from those slackers.
I wanted to transfer all 6 on Wednesday but she said the doc wouldn’t do that as of now since they all look "normal". So what we will do is transfer the best 2 on Wednesday and then again the best 2 on Friday. Its called a subquential (spelling?) transfer. And then the chance of the other 2 being any good for freezing would be 10%.
I don’t understand if they think they only have a 10% chance of “taking” then why they wouldnt just put them in. Dr K and I talked about it and he agreed to put in even the ones that they call “non-viable” and now they wont do it. I am NOT happy about that at all but I have to move on. Can't argue and piss off the person who will be “watching and caring” for your embryos. Would hate to have an accident occur in the lab, yanno?
My issue with it all and I’m sure she is quite annoyed with me, but she will get over it, is that we have NEVER made it to day 5 (which would be Friday) so why would I push it to day 5 with so little amount of embryos? Doesn’t make sense to me to "push my luck" where I have 2 other cycles that show the embryos don’t make it that far but so we chose to do the above type of transfer. I can also choose to put 4of the best in on Wednesday (a day 3 transfer) if they don’t look that great that day. And then hope we chose correctly and that the others would make it to blast to be frozen on day 5 or 6.
I don’t know how to feel about it all, I am very happy to have more to work with and she just kept saying “if they are gonna work then they will, nothing we can do about it”. I don’t like that but I know she is right. Its gotta be pretty easy to say that when its not YOUR last chance or YOUR embryos or YOUR dream.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I am the person I hate here at work
I am that person, that person who calls constantly even tho they continue to say they will get the doctor a message - ugh, I hate that when people do it to me - but here I am in that same place.
I have called and left 2 messages, but called much more than that, over to the specialist in Illinois about my natural killer cell count but now I am getting panicky about it all. I can only assume they are not around on the weekends and since it takes a minimum of 24 hours to get the IVIg treatment to the office and an hour for me to get to their office - time is really running out. The nurse yesterday cuz one of my injections out completely and cut the other down again to half of what I was taking and added the other injection to stop my body from ovulating on my own. The have me scheduled to go back in Friday morning to look and measure but didnt want me to take any stimulation medication at all b4 I go in 2moro. The have me in the book for egg retrieval on Monday, which is great cuz less time on stims and injections is alright with me - however, that is way faster than I was ready for, esp since the death of Dr Katayama took everyone out of commission for a couple days.
Still haven’t heard from the new doc about what he is like or meeting with him, guess thats out of the question at this point. We will meet as I am going into a Valium induced state of happiness.
I have been lucky enuf to talk to others who are in the same place i am right now and another lady who actually did an IVF cycle - which resulted in her baby girl - with this new doctor so that eases my mind. She has also been told that even tho he is VERY conservative he will be doing all cycles the way Dr K would have done them, again, putting my mind at ease.
Im just worried about the NKC treatment and taking off of work all those days. IF i hear back from them i would need to go and have the treatment 2moro (also a blood flow u/s to make sure its all good in there) so there is 1 day off of work - very short notice. THEN if Monday is the ER date then I will be useless that day, cant come back to work after ER. So there is another day off. And since it falls on a Monday and i dont have tons of eggies to work with I can only assume I will do a day 2 or 3 transfer so that means off either Tues-Friday or wed-Friday. Again, short short notice.
I feel awful cuz I hate leaving him high and dry, I hate coming to him to tell him that I will need all this time off. I think if he was an a-hole it would be easier. But he isn't and would never tell me that i couldn't have off, I just know how crazy the phones are and that I am the only person who can do it. He cant even turn on the computer so its not like he is gonna pop out a brief or divorce papers. He will pretend its not a big deal and wish me luck - but i know it stresses him out. How could it not?
I have called and left 2 messages, but called much more than that, over to the specialist in Illinois about my natural killer cell count but now I am getting panicky about it all. I can only assume they are not around on the weekends and since it takes a minimum of 24 hours to get the IVIg treatment to the office and an hour for me to get to their office - time is really running out. The nurse yesterday cuz one of my injections out completely and cut the other down again to half of what I was taking and added the other injection to stop my body from ovulating on my own. The have me scheduled to go back in Friday morning to look and measure but didnt want me to take any stimulation medication at all b4 I go in 2moro. The have me in the book for egg retrieval on Monday, which is great cuz less time on stims and injections is alright with me - however, that is way faster than I was ready for, esp since the death of Dr Katayama took everyone out of commission for a couple days.
Still haven’t heard from the new doc about what he is like or meeting with him, guess thats out of the question at this point. We will meet as I am going into a Valium induced state of happiness.
I have been lucky enuf to talk to others who are in the same place i am right now and another lady who actually did an IVF cycle - which resulted in her baby girl - with this new doctor so that eases my mind. She has also been told that even tho he is VERY conservative he will be doing all cycles the way Dr K would have done them, again, putting my mind at ease.
Im just worried about the NKC treatment and taking off of work all those days. IF i hear back from them i would need to go and have the treatment 2moro (also a blood flow u/s to make sure its all good in there) so there is 1 day off of work - very short notice. THEN if Monday is the ER date then I will be useless that day, cant come back to work after ER. So there is another day off. And since it falls on a Monday and i dont have tons of eggies to work with I can only assume I will do a day 2 or 3 transfer so that means off either Tues-Friday or wed-Friday. Again, short short notice.
I feel awful cuz I hate leaving him high and dry, I hate coming to him to tell him that I will need all this time off. I think if he was an a-hole it would be easier. But he isn't and would never tell me that i couldn't have off, I just know how crazy the phones are and that I am the only person who can do it. He cant even turn on the computer so its not like he is gonna pop out a brief or divorce papers. He will pretend its not a big deal and wish me luck - but i know it stresses him out. How could it not?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The UGLY truth of IVF
If anyone out there is thinking “How bad can it be, its just a few injections” or thinking how much fun it would be to take several injections a day and pump mega doses of whatever into your body - I am posting this for you. Not that I really think anyone out there thinks that it would be fun, but I don’t think anyone can actually understand how it really is. Just like a person who has never given birth can understand how painful it is, or how a person without children can understand the strong bond and emotion that comes after the child is born - or a person who is not wanting anyone in the room while delivering cuz of vanity or embarrassment could understand you wont give a sh*t if a high school marching band comes in just as long as they get the baby OUT! I’m sure you get my point. The injections are not bad, I don’t even feel them, however, the bruises are another story. There are hard lumps in the middle of the bruises and, of course, for whatever reason I chose to inject right where my waistband sits so I am reminded of the tenderness all day as my pants dig into the bruises (and bloating). Crazy that as a child they would have to call in nurses to hold me down to get vaccines.
Went in today and found out natural killer cells are at 14. They like to see them under 13 - of course they do! So now we chose if we want to drop 5k on the treatment or take our chances since the numbers are so close to “normal”..... it couldn’t be way over or way under, right? Nothing is ever easy in this game. My thoughts right now are to go ahead with the treatment and cover all bases, just so I cant come back and say we should have done it if this doesn’t turn out well. I do, however, have a call into the specialist so we can get her opinion on all of this. Since her office doesn’t really get much money from the treatment I can assume I can trust she will not tell me to do it for her own financial gain.
u/s went well - still 9 follies with one leading that is pretty big so we will prob lose (from being over mature) that one to get the others, which is fine. By the end of all this each of my ovaries will be almost the size of baseballs I assume which will make putting on pants pretty darn difficult.
I was actually able to remember to ask why they cut my meds in half on Monday and she said that after 3 days of meds my E2 (estrogen) level was at 500 and that was way higher than they wanted so hopefully today is more in the range of where they want it to be.
I'm really hoping for a weekend retrieval - Sunday would be great but I’m not holding my breath. I am thinking more on the lines of Tuesday - I’d love the weekend one so no extra time off of work but whatcha gonna do? My follies don’t seem to grow on my work-week schedule so I do what they want.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A lil security goes a long way?
I did something I shouldn’t have today at Target. I bought a baby thing. FOR SHAME! It is a small, softest thing you have ever felt, mini baby blanket. Its my fav color purple and I needed to have it. I have not bought anything (baby related for myself) since the 2nd IVF when I carried around 2 nuk's in my purse the whole cycle. I don’t even know where they are anymore.
I don’t buy baby things, mostly cuz I am a realist but also because it hurts too much to see the stuff after so many failed cycles but I just had to have this blanket - it says it’s a security blanket and I will be the one needing the security and will be sleeping with it. Silly, but true.
I think that it may give me some happiness during the cycle - something to remind me why we are doing this yet again, something to wipe the tears or either joy or pain after the cycle is over. Hopefully something to give to a baby of ours as well.
I just needed to have the blanket - I’d carry it around town if I didn’t think people would toss me in a straight jacket for it!
I don’t buy baby things, mostly cuz I am a realist but also because it hurts too much to see the stuff after so many failed cycles but I just had to have this blanket - it says it’s a security blanket and I will be the one needing the security and will be sleeping with it. Silly, but true.
I think that it may give me some happiness during the cycle - something to remind me why we are doing this yet again, something to wipe the tears or either joy or pain after the cycle is over. Hopefully something to give to a baby of ours as well.
I just needed to have the blanket - I’d carry it around town if I didn’t think people would toss me in a straight jacket for it!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Slow and Steady wins the race?
Got a call from the nurse, apparently they are trying to keep things as “normal” as they can over there for us in mid-ivf-cycle. She actually took all my injections and halved them. I guess they want the follies that I do have growing to not grow as fast. Most people are on injections for 10 days at least and I usually go much less than that. I think the 1st time I only took them for 7 days and my body was ready to give those mature follicles the heave-ho so I had to do the egg retrieval. The 2nd time around I think I injected or “stimmed” for 8 or 9 days so much more normal. Today is my 4th day of injections and they are already half the size they would want them to be to be considered “mature” so I guess that would be why they cut the meds in half. Whatever works as far as I'm concerned. I go back on Wednesday so if they are growing too slow or my estrogen level is too low then they will bump me up again anyway. They have me scheduled to come in for blood-work and ultrasound Wed, thurs, Friday and Saturday..... geesh, a lil overkill but whatever they want I suppose.
As the day goes on the more confused I am about what to do about all of this. I felt good with Dr Katayama, felt like more than a patient, felt safe and as if he was looking out for me and wanted the same things we did. Now, I am so afraid that he is gone. I feel like I lost my biggest cheerleader (even tho I didn't see him as much as I did the nurses) I knew that he was there overseeing my chart and making sound decisions in my best interest. I don’t know this new doctor, I don’t know his bedside manner, I don’t even know if he is covered in my insurance plan. I do know that the only time I would actually see him would be the day of my egg retrieval so honestly, is it that big of a deal that he would do it instead of Dr Katayama? The embryologist will do everything after that and then the new doc would do the transfer. As long as he and I are on the same page as far as how many to put back in then I guess it really doesn't matter, right? I just don’t know. I'm sad and confused. Thinking about it makes me teary for a lot of different reasons (partly cuz of the hormones I’m on) but other parts cuz I feel like we lost someone who was really good at what he did, someone who was passionate about what he did. He just had this way about him that made you feel like he knew what was going on.
Pictures are all over the office of babies that he made happen, pictures of him with all the couples that he helped build a family that otherwise may not have happened and looking at his lil face you could tell he was so happy to have done that. Not cuz his "numbers" went up, not cuz he was playing God, not that he would make money cuz of it, more of a smile of a person who was proud, excited and just plain happy to have given people a family. I feel sad for the people he left behind.
I feel like I need to remind myself that this new doc was a friend to Dr Katayama and I should trust that he is going to help me just like Dr Katayama would.
I am so sick of saying or hearing "everything happens for a reason", or "this is the way it was meant to be" or trying to figure out why this stuff is happening - why so many snags along the way. Why this has to be so difficult, as if the whole IVF thing isnt difficult enuf but to add extra stress is no fun and not fair, but I suppose what is fair in life - obviously his family is feeling that same not fair feeling 100x worse than i am right now.
I have choices here - i can stop this cycle and then go and start from scratch and that makes me feel lightheaded and sick to my stomach. The process is so hard but to go thru it yet again, just is too much for me to wrap my head around right now so I wont be doing that just yet. I will give it a few days to see how I feel. Yes, I am in the middle of a very expensive cycle, yes, I should sit down and pound out another plan but I just cant do that right now. I need a few days to chew on this and then start making calls or whatever it is that I need to do.
I can say that I am handling the snags better than I have ever in the past and for that I am grateful among many other things I am grateful for that is.
As the day goes on the more confused I am about what to do about all of this. I felt good with Dr Katayama, felt like more than a patient, felt safe and as if he was looking out for me and wanted the same things we did. Now, I am so afraid that he is gone. I feel like I lost my biggest cheerleader (even tho I didn't see him as much as I did the nurses) I knew that he was there overseeing my chart and making sound decisions in my best interest. I don’t know this new doctor, I don’t know his bedside manner, I don’t even know if he is covered in my insurance plan. I do know that the only time I would actually see him would be the day of my egg retrieval so honestly, is it that big of a deal that he would do it instead of Dr Katayama? The embryologist will do everything after that and then the new doc would do the transfer. As long as he and I are on the same page as far as how many to put back in then I guess it really doesn't matter, right? I just don’t know. I'm sad and confused. Thinking about it makes me teary for a lot of different reasons (partly cuz of the hormones I’m on) but other parts cuz I feel like we lost someone who was really good at what he did, someone who was passionate about what he did. He just had this way about him that made you feel like he knew what was going on.
Pictures are all over the office of babies that he made happen, pictures of him with all the couples that he helped build a family that otherwise may not have happened and looking at his lil face you could tell he was so happy to have done that. Not cuz his "numbers" went up, not cuz he was playing God, not that he would make money cuz of it, more of a smile of a person who was proud, excited and just plain happy to have given people a family. I feel sad for the people he left behind.
I feel like I need to remind myself that this new doc was a friend to Dr Katayama and I should trust that he is going to help me just like Dr Katayama would.
I am so sick of saying or hearing "everything happens for a reason", or "this is the way it was meant to be" or trying to figure out why this stuff is happening - why so many snags along the way. Why this has to be so difficult, as if the whole IVF thing isnt difficult enuf but to add extra stress is no fun and not fair, but I suppose what is fair in life - obviously his family is feeling that same not fair feeling 100x worse than i am right now.
I have choices here - i can stop this cycle and then go and start from scratch and that makes me feel lightheaded and sick to my stomach. The process is so hard but to go thru it yet again, just is too much for me to wrap my head around right now so I wont be doing that just yet. I will give it a few days to see how I feel. Yes, I am in the middle of a very expensive cycle, yes, I should sit down and pound out another plan but I just cant do that right now. I need a few days to chew on this and then start making calls or whatever it is that I need to do.
I can say that I am handling the snags better than I have ever in the past and for that I am grateful among many other things I am grateful for that is.
Better news and AWFUL news.....
So I go to the doc nice and early this morning in a pretty good mood considering I have been injecting hormones that make me a crazy person for the last 4 days. I go in and something just isnt right, the nurse who is ALWAYS like a cheerleader is so down and wont look me in the eyes - great - what is going on now, of course I figure they will tell me my cycle is off and to go schedule my hysterectomy cuz my child bearing days are o-v-e-r! Nope - my doctor passed away on Saturday. He was at the office doing his thing then went home and later that night his wife found him dead. They don't even know why at this point, very healthy man. Ugh, how awful for these people. There is no other doctor in the practice so they will all lose their jobs.
Which brings me to how selfish this whole infertility makes you. After the news and I felt bad for everyone who just lost someone they loved very much, I thought "what about me? What am I gonna do?". So I sheepishly asked the question and lead off with "I'm so sorry to ask this but......." what do I do now, who will help me now. I finally found a doc that I felt was gonna help me and wanted to do the same things that I did, someone who understood me and how aggressive i wanted to be and now he's gone. What do I do now. I felt horrible asking but I had to. There is a doctor who Dr Katayayma trusted and was very good friends with that has graciously said he would take in anybody in mid-IVF cycle. He is out of Waukesha Memorial - I gotta go with if the doc I trusted trusted this doc then he is the way to go. I have asked to make an appt with the doctor to see if he and I are on the same page as far as all of this goes. Now, they are all still in shock over there and trying to go over everything and notify patients, etc so she asked if i could give her a few days to get me the info I need for the other doctor. I have appts on Wed, thurs and Friday so I am sure that will be fine. The other "issue" is the IVIg treatments which this new RE does not do, does not know about and prob would laugh at so i need to talk to the other specialist in Illinois to get that now. WOW, what a morning.
When I was pregnant with Harmony I saw my OB and the week later got a letter telling me he was choosing not to be a doctor anymore, wasn't retirement, just didn't want to be a doc anymore. I freaked then found another doc. I guess i would rather that have happened than someone lose his life. So sad.
Anyway, the better news is that I now have 6 measurable follicles on the right side and 3 on the left so 9 total instead of the 3. They all may not continue growing but at least there are more to see at this point.
Which brings me to how selfish this whole infertility makes you. After the news and I felt bad for everyone who just lost someone they loved very much, I thought "what about me? What am I gonna do?". So I sheepishly asked the question and lead off with "I'm so sorry to ask this but......." what do I do now, who will help me now. I finally found a doc that I felt was gonna help me and wanted to do the same things that I did, someone who understood me and how aggressive i wanted to be and now he's gone. What do I do now. I felt horrible asking but I had to. There is a doctor who Dr Katayayma trusted and was very good friends with that has graciously said he would take in anybody in mid-IVF cycle. He is out of Waukesha Memorial - I gotta go with if the doc I trusted trusted this doc then he is the way to go. I have asked to make an appt with the doctor to see if he and I are on the same page as far as all of this goes. Now, they are all still in shock over there and trying to go over everything and notify patients, etc so she asked if i could give her a few days to get me the info I need for the other doctor. I have appts on Wed, thurs and Friday so I am sure that will be fine. The other "issue" is the IVIg treatments which this new RE does not do, does not know about and prob would laugh at so i need to talk to the other specialist in Illinois to get that now. WOW, what a morning.
When I was pregnant with Harmony I saw my OB and the week later got a letter telling me he was choosing not to be a doctor anymore, wasn't retirement, just didn't want to be a doc anymore. I freaked then found another doc. I guess i would rather that have happened than someone lose his life. So sad.
Anyway, the better news is that I now have 6 measurable follicles on the right side and 3 on the left so 9 total instead of the 3. They all may not continue growing but at least there are more to see at this point.
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