Numbers are looking good, they went from 5790 to 14,751 in 4 days which is good enuf for me and for the doc! My progesterone is thru the frickin roof tho, its coming in anywhere from 160-180 and “normal and adequate” is anywhere from like 20-40 or something. Its crazy that I am even able to wear pants or stay awake long enuf to put pants on! Talked to the doc and said that I could take 2 more shots and then discontinue them. So I will take one wed night and one Friday night then done. Now, to be perfectly honest I don’t hate the shots. They hurt and I have bruises and lumps and bumps all over my backside but I feel afraid to stop. I am kinda afraid to lose the “symptoms” that it gives me, for fear that I wont have any at all! I don’t care much for the prometrome (sp, wrong but its progesterone just like the injections) pills that I take, they make me groggy and would rather have stopped those instead of the shots but I will do what they say!
I will still take 2 injections/day but those are in the belly and I have lumps, bumps and bruises on that side too!
I made the appt for another u/s on Thursday. I could have made it for Wednesday but I fear that would be too soon to see a beating heart (or 2) and then I would freak so I guess I am learning some patience with this whole process. Better to wait I am thinking. Hopefully I will be rewarded for that patience!
BTW, we saw TWO sacs at the last u/s. Both gestational sacs had yolk sacs in them which is a good thing and all you can expect to see at the week mark I was last week. The gestational sac on Baby "A" was way bigger than Baby "B" but the yolk sacs were pretty close in "age" so the doc didnt seem concerned since they could have implanted a day/two apart and hopfully baby "B" will catch up and do just fine.
I was so excited to see that - I would LOVE to have twins. Two for the price of one in this situation. I love that my kids are close together in age, I still watch them hang out and kid around with each other and love that. I didnt have any siblings and always wanted someone to talk to or play with or hang out with and was so happy to be able to give that to my children. Obv Harmony and Bray would hold a diff role with a child born into their lives at this point. They wont be playing togethter or sharing problems or growing 2gether. Thats why I would love to have double trouble - so this child doesnt have to be an "only child". But of course i would be thrilled to see one beating heart as well!!!
Of course I know that we could go in at the end of the week and see no heartbeat on either or just on one and I would be thrilled to see a beating heart but trying not to get too wrapped up in the twin thing since I know so much can change, plus my numbers (or lack of m/s) really dont indicate twins at all. It sure is hard tho.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The plan of attack is as follows:
My numbers have been wacky for a few days, guess thats what you get for testing them every other day!
I will be going in for a double dose of the IVIg treatment cuz even tho my NKC are in the “normal” range, they are way more aggressive than they should be. Those lil bastards wont let me be, I swear, geesh. They were at 61%, then after treatment went to 47% then to 34% and they want them lower than 12% so hopefully this double dose will do it. I am also now taking 4x/day 10mg of prednisone instead of just 2x/day. I just am gonna be extremely sore and exhausted from it. It makes you feel like you worked out, just without the “pump” feeling afterwards. Just makes my body feel lazy and like I worked out too hard, kinda fatigued. Nothing serious, nothing I cant handle but I can assume with the double dose it will feel moreso. Thats ok, I’ll make it. Wouldnt you know it tho, Saturday, bright and early, I signed Harmony and I up to volunteer to help set up for the Autism Ball and then Bray has baseball practice. Im sure we will be fine :-)
Now, onto something that has nothing to do with fertility. I am so pissed. We got a letter from the school that Brayden is in SEVERE threat of being held back due to reading and math. Ummmmm, yeah, no shit, thats why I asked them to evaluate him last year when he was struggling. They did that and said all was fine, THEN miraculously he was on the Honor Roll, just months after them telling me that he was close to failing. Interesting that now he is failing again - his work has not changed, they just didnt want to have to pay for him to have the IEP. That is what my thought is anyway. Seems a lil too convenient that he is failing, then after I request an IEP then he is “great” and on the honor roll, now he has a reading level of 4th grade. He is a 6th grader. So all of a sudden, over the summer he got stupid where last year he was on the honor roll? Whatever, stupid. And MPS doesnt want student to be held back so its not like they wouldnt push him thru if they could, if he was in a normal district he would have already been held back years ago.
He is the youngest in his class, he is always struggling so a few months ago matt and I thought maybe it may be best for everyone if we chose to hold him back and put him in another district to “start fresh”. No one would know he was held back since no one would know him, he wouldnt need to feel the embarrassment of being held back but you woulda thought matt and I had offered to put him back into K4 for crying out loud. His dad and the therapist went wack-o out of their minds and now brayden is not wanting to do it.
Im pissed for a lot of reasons but mostly cuz I see that I put him in school too early. He needed the structure and I needed to get a full time job and couldn’t afford day-care as a single mom so full time kindergarten was the way to go. He tested in just fine but seems like each year he would fall just a lil more behind. If he got a fresh start I just feel like he may feel “smart” for once instead of always feeling out of place - maturity and he is smaller than everyone else.
Ugh, venting session on that over. Now I have to go and make an appt with the therapist so we can talk about this more.
I will be going in for a double dose of the IVIg treatment cuz even tho my NKC are in the “normal” range, they are way more aggressive than they should be. Those lil bastards wont let me be, I swear, geesh. They were at 61%, then after treatment went to 47% then to 34% and they want them lower than 12% so hopefully this double dose will do it. I am also now taking 4x/day 10mg of prednisone instead of just 2x/day. I just am gonna be extremely sore and exhausted from it. It makes you feel like you worked out, just without the “pump” feeling afterwards. Just makes my body feel lazy and like I worked out too hard, kinda fatigued. Nothing serious, nothing I cant handle but I can assume with the double dose it will feel moreso. Thats ok, I’ll make it. Wouldnt you know it tho, Saturday, bright and early, I signed Harmony and I up to volunteer to help set up for the Autism Ball and then Bray has baseball practice. Im sure we will be fine :-)
Now, onto something that has nothing to do with fertility. I am so pissed. We got a letter from the school that Brayden is in SEVERE threat of being held back due to reading and math. Ummmmm, yeah, no shit, thats why I asked them to evaluate him last year when he was struggling. They did that and said all was fine, THEN miraculously he was on the Honor Roll, just months after them telling me that he was close to failing. Interesting that now he is failing again - his work has not changed, they just didnt want to have to pay for him to have the IEP. That is what my thought is anyway. Seems a lil too convenient that he is failing, then after I request an IEP then he is “great” and on the honor roll, now he has a reading level of 4th grade. He is a 6th grader. So all of a sudden, over the summer he got stupid where last year he was on the honor roll? Whatever, stupid. And MPS doesnt want student to be held back so its not like they wouldnt push him thru if they could, if he was in a normal district he would have already been held back years ago.
He is the youngest in his class, he is always struggling so a few months ago matt and I thought maybe it may be best for everyone if we chose to hold him back and put him in another district to “start fresh”. No one would know he was held back since no one would know him, he wouldnt need to feel the embarrassment of being held back but you woulda thought matt and I had offered to put him back into K4 for crying out loud. His dad and the therapist went wack-o out of their minds and now brayden is not wanting to do it.
Im pissed for a lot of reasons but mostly cuz I see that I put him in school too early. He needed the structure and I needed to get a full time job and couldn’t afford day-care as a single mom so full time kindergarten was the way to go. He tested in just fine but seems like each year he would fall just a lil more behind. If he got a fresh start I just feel like he may feel “smart” for once instead of always feeling out of place - maturity and he is smaller than everyone else.
Ugh, venting session on that over. Now I have to go and make an appt with the therapist so we can talk about this more.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
This is what I get for being somewhat relieved/excited
They found a baby and yolk sac so that is all they were looking for at this point. I am in my 5th week still.
I have pictures and looks like 2 or 3 black holes but only one had a white yolk sac in there so she said either the others are blood (and I may start to spot, great) or they were babies that didnt progress that my body will reabsorb.
I was secretly (or not really even secretly) hoping for twins since I love the my kids have each other and are close in age but I am more than thrilled with the outcome of todays u/s.
And then the blood work comes - cant catch a frickin break with this bullshit.
Monday 2142 - great increase, I think it was like 94%
Today 3362 - shitty increase, not even “adequate” so I have a call into the specialist to see what they want me to do.
They did not drop so that is a good thing. I just don’t feel like I can ever feel good or comfy about any of this because then I am quickly reminded about how it can and prob will be taken from me.
*sigh* pitty party for me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The nurse felt pitty for me and called super early with my numbers for friday, bless her heart.
They went up to 798 which is a 74% increase, again good. I was hoping for more but this is still a good rise according to everything i can find on line, lol. Naw, the nurse said it was fine too but they wished they were higher too. So her and I are on the same overacheiver page for this pregnnacy. Good to know.
Even with the rise, I talked to the nurse in Illinois and after talking to Matt he and i decided we would feel more comfy doing another IVIg treatment friday instead of waiting for my numbers on Monday or Tuesday. My natural killer cells (just in the uterus) started at 41% and then were like 32% and they like to see them under 12. Our thoughts were why wait, its not like we are gonna win the lottery between Friday and Monday so we felt it was best to do another treatment on Friday. The nurse finally got a hold of the doc at around 1 and said that she agreed with what matt and i had thought so to get in the car and come out. I was there by 2:10. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding boss who happens to be in the sunny state of Arizona so the sunshine probably helped him not to be annoyed with me leaving yet again this week.
Anyway, went out there, got the treatment and came home. No reaction at all so the problem the other day was just where they had placed it. I will not be having it put into the arm/elbo anymore. Just the hands.
They also did a bloodflow u/s and she said it was PERFECT, i like perfect, i like it a lot.
Today i sit and wait again for test results...... seems to be my life at this point but i am ok with that. Means that i am pregnant right now and i am thankful for that.
I talked to my therapist this weekend about a lot of the feelings that i have and liking to be in control and feeling lost a lot in life now and wondering why i cant just be happy and think its gonna be alright.
I kept saying to her "i'd love to be wrong and be holding a baby in my arms in november but i cant shake it" and then we came up with the fact that i dont like to look stupid, in any situation and to me being wrong is stupid, esp if i continue to feel and tell everyone that everything is fine and then its not.
But coming back to wanting to be wrong in this particular situation and why wouldnt i feel "stupid" then? Why do i want to be wrong then? Figured out that if i am "wrong" about not miscarrying then i win and the feeling of happiness takes over being "wrong". I get to have the baby but if i continue to say everything is gonna be alright and then its not then I have the pain of losing the pregnancy as well as feeling like an ass for believing it could actually happen for us.
I'm working on changing that since I'd like to be different, I'd like to feel like we are deserving and that it will happen for us.
They went up to 798 which is a 74% increase, again good. I was hoping for more but this is still a good rise according to everything i can find on line, lol. Naw, the nurse said it was fine too but they wished they were higher too. So her and I are on the same overacheiver page for this pregnnacy. Good to know.
Even with the rise, I talked to the nurse in Illinois and after talking to Matt he and i decided we would feel more comfy doing another IVIg treatment friday instead of waiting for my numbers on Monday or Tuesday. My natural killer cells (just in the uterus) started at 41% and then were like 32% and they like to see them under 12. Our thoughts were why wait, its not like we are gonna win the lottery between Friday and Monday so we felt it was best to do another treatment on Friday. The nurse finally got a hold of the doc at around 1 and said that she agreed with what matt and i had thought so to get in the car and come out. I was there by 2:10. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding boss who happens to be in the sunny state of Arizona so the sunshine probably helped him not to be annoyed with me leaving yet again this week.
Anyway, went out there, got the treatment and came home. No reaction at all so the problem the other day was just where they had placed it. I will not be having it put into the arm/elbo anymore. Just the hands.
They also did a bloodflow u/s and she said it was PERFECT, i like perfect, i like it a lot.
Today i sit and wait again for test results...... seems to be my life at this point but i am ok with that. Means that i am pregnant right now and i am thankful for that.
I talked to my therapist this weekend about a lot of the feelings that i have and liking to be in control and feeling lost a lot in life now and wondering why i cant just be happy and think its gonna be alright.
I kept saying to her "i'd love to be wrong and be holding a baby in my arms in november but i cant shake it" and then we came up with the fact that i dont like to look stupid, in any situation and to me being wrong is stupid, esp if i continue to feel and tell everyone that everything is fine and then its not.
But coming back to wanting to be wrong in this particular situation and why wouldnt i feel "stupid" then? Why do i want to be wrong then? Figured out that if i am "wrong" about not miscarrying then i win and the feeling of happiness takes over being "wrong". I get to have the baby but if i continue to say everything is gonna be alright and then its not then I have the pain of losing the pregnancy as well as feeling like an ass for believing it could actually happen for us.
I'm working on changing that since I'd like to be different, I'd like to feel like we are deserving and that it will happen for us.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Hmmmm...... interesting horoscope for today
Your Daily Horoscope: March 18, 2010
Virgo
Some ongoing events in your life seem to be coming to a climax today, Virgo. You should be seeing the results of your efforts in a given area or project soon. In fact, everything is so close to completion that it may be better to put your focus on the future instead of dealing with the anxiety of waiting for results. Count your blessings, review what has been learned, and start trying to figure out what's next and how to go about doing even better with it.
Not that I base my life or days on this but funny the way this is worded today - anxiety waiting on results..... maybe its time for me to go see my Tarot Card Lady to see whats in store :-)
Virgo
Some ongoing events in your life seem to be coming to a climax today, Virgo. You should be seeing the results of your efforts in a given area or project soon. In fact, everything is so close to completion that it may be better to put your focus on the future instead of dealing with the anxiety of waiting for results. Count your blessings, review what has been learned, and start trying to figure out what's next and how to go about doing even better with it.
Not that I base my life or days on this but funny the way this is worded today - anxiety waiting on results..... maybe its time for me to go see my Tarot Card Lady to see whats in store :-)
Day 2, no POAS and I think I'm ok.......
So today is day 2 of no testing at home which I think I may have licked it. I didn't even think about it today when I got up. Maybe the worst of that addiction is over, lol.
As far as the number game I am playing here with my pregnancy, I am a wreck. I go back and forth but I am trying to stay positive. I am a person who deals with the facts - I'm not a "dreamer" but sometimes I really wish I was. Like now for instance.
My first beta was 63.1
Second jumped to 282 (3 days but the 2 day increase was 170%)
Third one was 459.1 (2 days and only an increase of 64%).
Now, an increase of 64% is considered "adequate but low" so I should be happy and relieved however, I am fearful (what a surprise!). Any doc will tell you that a beta level will "double" in 48-72 hours so they consider a rise of 60% adequate (they like at 66% but will take 60%) so not bad news at all - i just really liked the feeling of being an overachiever, not having to worry. I liked that a lot. For 2 days I felt good, positive and hopeful. I even allowed myself to go back and look at the baby name document I have had here at work. it has been almost a year since I have opened that and read thru it.
I have read until my eyes bled about all this and there are a few possibilities:
1. Everything is fine.
2. I had a few embryos stick and 1 stopped progressing and all will be fine.
3. My pregnancy will not stick and beta numbers will drop and body will m/c.
4. Blighted Ovum (where the you end up with a baby but baby stops growing - like my 2nd IVF)
Obviously I would love #1 or #2 but with my history I continue to come back to #3 or #4.
I went back to the notes from my last IVF and something similar happened with my numbers during that time, most of them were great but always on the "low" side of ok.
It is very possible since I had 6 embryos put in that more than 1 "stuck" and now only the strong is surviving. My numbers are still within the "Normal" range for where I am in the pregnancy so I should just be happy with that. I'm trying and I know what I would tell someone else in this situation but I would only be telling them that to be nice. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I don't think I have always been like this but with everything that has happened in the last few years it sure is hard not to be. I would love to be different, but its just who I am. My life is good, I don't consider myself an unlucky person or plagued with terrible things, I am very fortunate and I know this. I just do have a black cloud following me in this particular situation. I am healthy, have a great hubby, better kids than I deserve and friends and family that would do anything in their power for me - I am not saying my life is not good cuz it is. I have always said that my life is always "even" like if something really great happens to me, then something else will come along and "even" it out. We get a work bonus, the breaks on the car go out - things like that. I am not unlucky or lucky, kinda just in the middle.
Its not like if I prepare for the worst its gonna feel any better if it happens so why not just have my head in the clouds and know that everything is gonna be all right? Wish I knew how and I have tried, I just cant.
So I take Valium to help. Over the last few years my panic attacks have gotten worse, WAY worse than what they were in the past. I have always been a lil high strung, however, these are not controllable like in the past. My heart will start to pump so hard and I get dizzy then my hands start to shake and I cant move. It will be triggered by something stupid like going to dinner with friends or family, doesn't have to be anything that would cause panic like this situation. Then I get mean and seclusive cuz I want everyone to leave me alone, partly cuz I am embarrassed about how ridiculous it all is and partly cuz I dont like anyone to see me not in control.
Therapy helps I suppose but sometimes when I am there I feel like I dont want to talk about the stuff even to her, so stupid since that is what she is there for. I feel like I dont want her to know that I am not in control. How goofy, lol.
As far as the number game I am playing here with my pregnancy, I am a wreck. I go back and forth but I am trying to stay positive. I am a person who deals with the facts - I'm not a "dreamer" but sometimes I really wish I was. Like now for instance.
My first beta was 63.1
Second jumped to 282 (3 days but the 2 day increase was 170%)
Third one was 459.1 (2 days and only an increase of 64%).
Now, an increase of 64% is considered "adequate but low" so I should be happy and relieved however, I am fearful (what a surprise!). Any doc will tell you that a beta level will "double" in 48-72 hours so they consider a rise of 60% adequate (they like at 66% but will take 60%) so not bad news at all - i just really liked the feeling of being an overachiever, not having to worry. I liked that a lot. For 2 days I felt good, positive and hopeful. I even allowed myself to go back and look at the baby name document I have had here at work. it has been almost a year since I have opened that and read thru it.
I have read until my eyes bled about all this and there are a few possibilities:
1. Everything is fine.
2. I had a few embryos stick and 1 stopped progressing and all will be fine.
3. My pregnancy will not stick and beta numbers will drop and body will m/c.
4. Blighted Ovum (where the you end up with a baby but baby stops growing - like my 2nd IVF)
Obviously I would love #1 or #2 but with my history I continue to come back to #3 or #4.
I went back to the notes from my last IVF and something similar happened with my numbers during that time, most of them were great but always on the "low" side of ok.
It is very possible since I had 6 embryos put in that more than 1 "stuck" and now only the strong is surviving. My numbers are still within the "Normal" range for where I am in the pregnancy so I should just be happy with that. I'm trying and I know what I would tell someone else in this situation but I would only be telling them that to be nice. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I don't think I have always been like this but with everything that has happened in the last few years it sure is hard not to be. I would love to be different, but its just who I am. My life is good, I don't consider myself an unlucky person or plagued with terrible things, I am very fortunate and I know this. I just do have a black cloud following me in this particular situation. I am healthy, have a great hubby, better kids than I deserve and friends and family that would do anything in their power for me - I am not saying my life is not good cuz it is. I have always said that my life is always "even" like if something really great happens to me, then something else will come along and "even" it out. We get a work bonus, the breaks on the car go out - things like that. I am not unlucky or lucky, kinda just in the middle.
Its not like if I prepare for the worst its gonna feel any better if it happens so why not just have my head in the clouds and know that everything is gonna be all right? Wish I knew how and I have tried, I just cant.
So I take Valium to help. Over the last few years my panic attacks have gotten worse, WAY worse than what they were in the past. I have always been a lil high strung, however, these are not controllable like in the past. My heart will start to pump so hard and I get dizzy then my hands start to shake and I cant move. It will be triggered by something stupid like going to dinner with friends or family, doesn't have to be anything that would cause panic like this situation. Then I get mean and seclusive cuz I want everyone to leave me alone, partly cuz I am embarrassed about how ridiculous it all is and partly cuz I dont like anyone to see me not in control.
Therapy helps I suppose but sometimes when I am there I feel like I dont want to talk about the stuff even to her, so stupid since that is what she is there for. I feel like I dont want her to know that I am not in control. How goofy, lol.
Monday, March 15, 2010
My name is Chelsea and I am addicted to POAS!
I'm officially out of pregnancy tests and I have said I am not buying anymore but I honestly do feel like a crack addict. I got down to taking them only 2x a day and that was good - I could go in and look at them and make sure the newest was darker than the last but now I am out and I would like to stop testing. Im just not sure I can. I have never been "addicted" to anything but this I am and I truly need a group or something. I was a smoker for a long time, quit no prob both pregnancies and then quit for good a few years back - again no prob. How can this be so hard - so weird that this would have a hold on me like a drug. I have a parent that is an addict so I have always been fascinated about how that affects me - if it does - and now I find out I am addicted to + pregnancy tests. Who woulda thunk? Hahahaha.
Seriously tho, those suckers are very pretty and i cant get enuf!
Soooo here we are........
Friday 3/12 63
Monday 3/15 282
Nurse and doc very happy with those numbers. They are on the "high" side of normal, just a lil higher than what they say is the highest. I like that, I like that its not too high so I dont freak about Molar Pregnancy - I like this lil overachiever that we got going on in there!
I will now go for IVIg 2moro and then another beta on Wednesday. I'm hoping to be able to get the insurance to pay now that we have a confirmed pregnancy but we shall see. I spent a lot of time on the phone 2day with them and had to just quit cuz it was getting stressful. My boss is gone this week so I can make calls without worrying that he is wondering what the hell I am talking about.
I am 4 weeks now (really 4w1d but I refuse to go there, lol) so I have another week and a half until I can get an ultrasound to see whats going on in there, if the
baby is growing correctly and such then another week I guess until the HB. I think they said about 6 or 6 1/2 weeks for that. Seems like a long time but good thing they are having me come back EVERY OTHER DAY for beta blood test to check my numbers. OMG - can you believe that? Craziness, I'm not sure if I like that or not. I like to be monitored but I thought I would pass out today waiting on that darn call from the nurse!
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