A hard day

Yesterday I got to spend some much needed time with my lil guy. He had a therapy appt in the morning so he skipped school, i took off of work and we spent the morning 2gether.
After his therapy appts i usually am either confused or scared. This time i am scared. SO much is coming out in therapy that i didn't even know. Not only is he eating things that are not food but he has a ton more of the OCD things going on, most of them revolve around me dying. He is having a lot of bad thoughts, wishing that he or someone that he is mad at will die. Then he will do these rituals to negate the bad thoughts cuz he really doesn't want us to die. Its so sad and its like a really fast rollercoaster that i cant get off of or take a breath. I try to make it seem like i am not bothered by it and that its normal for his sake but i am scared to death.
We had his bloodwork done and everything came back fine, no thyroid issue and no lead (which is soo good).
I also had an appt with the IEP team at Braydens school to see if he would be able to get help at school. Turns out that they dont think he is behind enough to get him help. Obviously i would rather my kid not need the IEP and be "labeled" but c'on, he is so stressed and doesnt know what a 5th grader should. I was shocked to hear them all say that he is "just like the other 5th graders" - not true. I have talked with other 5th granders, just like matt has, and he is very behind them. I dont understand why 4 teachers can see such a different thing then we are seeing. The therapist says it is cuz its very expensive for the schoo and they dont want to pay the fee unless they have to. What a shame. I fought as long as i could but was beaten and bullied into agreeing that he doesnt not "fit the requirements for special education". Boo! My question to them was this: So, 2 years from now when he is failing, fighting or bringing a gun to school THEN you will give him help?". They said "we can re-evaluate every year if need be". So apparently you have to be WAY in trouble to receive any help from the school. His teacher actually sat with me after the meeting and came up with some things we could do to help him, she could see how upset i was.
I will be looking into ADHD meds again, hopefully we can find something that could help him. He did so well in school when he was on the last time, but the side effects just upset all of us. I have a name of a phychotrist that his therapist would like him to see, maybe he would have more ideas then the regular pediatrician would.

Anyway, at the end of the day i sat down and cried. Not for me but for my children. Both of them have issues that are neurological and the therapist says are hereditary. I did this to them, obviously not on purpose but still. My genes are not all that great and yesterday sealed the deal on the whole baby thing. I cant bring another child wiht my genes into the world, just cant do it knowing what i know now. I cant watch another person i love deal with something so hard. Yes, i know, its not cancer and its not retardation but its still a major struggle for them and not fair at all. They deserve more, more of me, more help, more of whatever i Can give them to make their life better. Bringing another child that has a high risk of having something like they do or even worse if just not right.
I will consider donor eggs cuz i still would love to have more children - just not children wiht my messed up biology.

Venting session

Let me just share another thing that I totally hate when people say to me about all this - “oh, your still young, you have time”.... or “oh, I just read about someone in their 40's giving birth” as if that is gonna make me feel better. Maybe I should go over the real statistics like it is VERY unlikely to have a child in your 40's and how your eggs get crappy come 35 and the risks to you and the baby that are involved when you are pregnant after 35, etc..... gosh, I HATE when people talk like they know what is going on and how it applies to me.
Just cuz a handful of ladies had children in their 40's doesnt mean its gonna happen to every 40 year old or even that I WANT to be pregnant in my 40's, geeze, my grandma was in her 40's when I was born for crying out loud!!!
I assume that most people are trying to help and give encouraging words but sometimes it gets to me.
I also don’t like to hear how I should “pray” and then wait for my answer...... such crap. I would never tell someone that believes in the power of prayer that if they would just stop praying and wait for the answer if they are going thru a rough patch. I don’t understand why people think its ok to push their beliefs on people? I would never tell someone not to pray, why would someone tell me that I HAVE to pray? I don’t get it.
Im assuming that they are offering help that has worked for them and appreciate that, I just don’t like when I thank them for their advise and move on and they continue to push the issue. Its great to offer help and then let it go, either I take it or I don’t but you shouldn’t force your beliefs on anyone, esp when they are going thru a rough patch. I do, however, appreciate when people say that they will pray for me - that is a kind gesture and sometimes when there is nothing else you can do for someone I understand that praying makes people feel like they are helping and that is wonderful of them to want to do that for me. That warms my heart :)


Ok, now that my rant is over, I can write.....
My period showed up today and even tho you would think that would be hard, I already knew that I wasn’t pregnant so I had a few days to “prepare” for it. All the tears I had were all used up already and so 2day it was fine - now I can move forward with my new, non injection life. lol
I have packed up all my ovulation and pregnancy tests along with all my left-over meds and needles, etc. Joined the Y and the kids and I are going to be going more often now since I don’t have to wonder if I could hurt something (fertility wise) if I work out a certain way.
Getting my hair done this weekend and just gonna try to get back to being me. Also will start planning things like trips or things that I want to do or places I want to go - I haven’t really done that for the last year or so cuz I would always think “what if I am pregnant and cant go”..... no more (hopefully).
I have said it before but this is the 1st time that I have been able to put the baby thing out of my mind. I don’t know how long I will be able to not obsess about getting pregnant but for now I feel peace. Im still very sad about it all but trying to be ok with not going with injections right now. Still something that I very much want and will try to have but for now I have to worry about me and going another route to get what we want.
I think the embryo adoption may just be the way to go, however, I know that Matt wants a biological child to “carry on the name” or whatever goes thru a mans head, not real sure how those work but I know that is important to him. Once we talked about it long long ago and I forget how it went but the way he put it made sense. I know that if I didn’t have kids and I married someone with children I would love them but I definitely would want to move mountains to have a child of my own so I can understand. I know that he loves the kids and that having a child of his “own” doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love the kids very, very much.
With a difference of 20 grand I think that we may just have to go with the embryo adoption first, its just so hard to decide to go and take a loan out for $25,000.00 for something that is not guaranteed. Just too hard right now.

I will be making an appt to see the person over at the docs office that handles the embryo adoption as well as the egg donor program to see what both are all about and what the breakdown of expenses are. That way matt and i can sit down and make a choice 2-gether.