The troups have arrived!

Yesterday the 6 boxes of fertility medication/needles arrived. Matt said it took 40 min to put the stuff away (into the fridge), now we have more needles and medication in our fridge than food.

I had to take everything out and organize, just cuz thats who I am. I also needed to go thru all the meds to make sure that everything was there and read up on what needed to be in the fridge and what did not.
Everything ended up on the kitchen table and as I looked at it I felt overwhelmed. Not the same type of feeling as when I first opened the medication box with the first IVF, but still a very strong overwhelming, sadness came over me. I lined everything up and figured I would take a picture of my very own "infertility army". What a weird place to be in, taking pictures of the many medications i will be injecting into my body. Right then Brayden came in the kitchen and the tears came, partly cuz of the weirdness of all of this, partly cuz I needed him to come in and be reminded of why I am doing this and mostly cuz he gave me a big hug - just because.

As he is asking me what the heck all this stuff is a light goes off in his head - so he says in a real soft voice ...... "don't you have to have s-e-x in order to have a baby"..... OMG, gulp..... so I said "nope, not this time" and then went on to try and explain why and how the doctor was gonna do it. WOW, that was weird!!! He was fine with my answer and went on about life, gotta love kids not really needing much of an explanation.

When you are in the situation, its hard to see it as anything else than normal. Just as Harmony’s twice weekly therapy used to be and her yearly IEP is, I used to try to shelter and hide the injections from the kids but it just was way too hard. They are old enuf to be able to be told. They understand what they can and what they don’t doesn’t seem to bother them much. They have been thru all the IVF’s and all the miscarriages and they are bothered by the loses just as much as we are. They are there for all the injections, Harmony has even been “trained” on how to give the intramuscular progesterone injections for the nights that Matt isnt around. How disturbing is that? Ugh, but what else are we gonna do? Brayden cant even be in the room with the injections cuz he says it “makes his legs tingle” to see that stuff. I decided to tell them about it and let them see that I wasnt doing anything illegal since they are really hit hard with the drug talk at school. I deff did not want them peeking in on me doing an injection and busting that nugget out during the class drug talk - ouch, that would be a meeting with the principal for sure!

All the meds in the picture are going to be used in a 8-10 day period, the only ones that wont be will be the blood thinner injections - so the 2 boxes of Lovenox in the back will be left over after the intense days of stimulation. Holy Crap, thats a lot of medication.

New to all of this ......

I am so new to all of this - never thought i would even want a blog.
I will have LOTS of spelling errors cuz I cant spell at all and prob wont go thru the trouble of spell-checking so just deal with them, k?

Im gonna use this as an outlet for stress so even if no one ever reads it that is a-ok...... here goes.....

My new-ish hubby and I got married in April of 2007 and went on to add to our family. Who knew it was going to be this hard, geesh! In July 2007 we got pregnant and were so frickin excited!! I announced it to he and the kids with a shirt that said "KISS ME, I'M PREGNANT" and Matt told me that I shouldnt wear that cuz I would jinx our chances, lol. He didnt believe I was actually pregnant. Pregnancy confirmed by doctor and then pregnancy was gone, never got to see a heartbeat. Miscarried on my own and began fertility treatments.
In September, around my birthday, I started hormone injections to make more eggies in preparation for an IUI in October. I had my 1st IUI October 4th, the day before my sister-in-laws wedding.
That failed so we went on to the 2nd with next cycle. That one failed as well and it left a few really large cysts on my ovaries so i was not allowed to continue with any injections that cycle. We chose to move forward in January 2008 with a round of IVF. I was only able to produce 8 follicles and out of those follies only 2 of them were fertilizable. Both of them were transferred 3 days after fertilization and neither of them stuck. Big fat negative pregnancy test, uggg. So in june of 2008 we went forward with another round of IVF, different protocal and got 12 eggs this time and 8 of those were able to be fertilzed. We transferred 3 of the embryos and were hopeful. I got a + pregnancy test at home and then confirmed by the doctor. Yeah!!! I couldnt beleive it worked and were were very happy but very afraid something would happen.
It did, the doctor thought that 2 embryos actually implanted and 1 dropped off very early. We still had one in there and went for the ultrasound. We got to see the lil blob on the screen and it was a great site! 2 weeks later we went back to see the heartbeat and found out that the baby had stopped progressing about a week earlier. Our baby was gone, again. I didnt think we were going to make it thru that.
I had to go thru a forced miscarriage since my body wasnt doing it on its own. I had a lot of cysts again that were tricking my body into thinking the baby was still growing and thriving. That m/c was very painful emotionally as well as physically.
Took some much needed time off of the injections and just took a fertility drug called clomid. We caught yet another egg and got a + pregnancy test at home but 3 days later that pregnancy was gone as well. Took me 3 more weeks to miscarry. In December of 2008 I had a surgery to see if there was anything "wrong" or "fixable" and there was not. Good news but I was hoping they could "fix me".
Also during this time my new hubby and I are also trying to get used to living as a couple and everyone is trying to figure out how to live as a "family".
Brayden was also going thru testing for ADHD and then taking medication - then going thru testing and more testing and more testing to finally being diagnosed with a tick disorder, tourettes.
He is off all his meds that were helping him to focus but giving him way more "ticks". He is taking a few supplements, tourine and a B-complex as well as a "remedy" from the homeopathic guy that he and I see.
2moro I will start another round of injections in hopes that this 4th IUI will give us a healthy baby.
We will consder another round of IVF but we havnt figured out if we will try another round with my eggies or use a donor. I would like to use mine but if a donor can give us a better chance then that may be the way to go.

With this being a new year, I am looking to have it less stressful and happier. I am looking forward to spending less time injecting myself with hormones and not spending every 3rd day at the doctors office and spending more time at home with my family I already have. I am trying to focus on what I have instead of what I dont have and/or want. I am thankful for my family, my children and my husband. I am hoping that we can add to the family in the near future but trying to accept that we will be fine if that is not a possibility.