Today was my "clearing u/s" to make sure all was ok to get started with the injections for IVF. Everything went well except the u/s was super fast so of course i had to ask how many follies she saw to start with. Yeah...... 3, THREEEEEEEE f-ing follies. To all of you non IVF'ers - that is not a good clearing appt. I think the only thing worse would be to be told you had none and to go home to never return. Why the hell would I pump hormones in mega doses into my body for 3 follies, why would I go thru the pain (emotional and physical) of the egg retrieval process to have three follies? I suppose because its 2 more follies than what i would have on a regular cycle, but still. When you go with IVF the point is to get way MORE follies than you would normally have. I was hoping for 40 but more realistically just 10-15 would have made me happy.
I left with tears in my eyes - deff not a cry, but wet eyes nonetheless.. The nurse said that sometimes after a few days of the injections some secret ones pop out, but I think that was to make me feel better. She took blood and said that she would talk to the doc about what his thoughts were on the whole thing. **Sigh**. Now I sit and wait for the call.....
Im trying to not do what I normally do and doom the whole cycle already and I think I am doing better, but deff not able to look at this as a good thing, just yet.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The troups have arrived!
Yesterday the 6 boxes of fertility medication/needles arrived. Matt said it took 40 min to put the stuff away (into the fridge), now we have more needles and medication in our fridge than food.
I had to take everything out and organize, just cuz thats who I am. I also needed to go thru all the meds to make sure that everything was there and read up on what needed to be in the fridge and what did not.
Everything ended up on the kitchen table and as I looked at it I felt overwhelmed. Not the same type of feeling as when I first opened the medication box with the first IVF, but still a very strong overwhelming, sadness came over me. I lined everything up and figured I would take a picture of my very own "infertility army". What a weird place to be in, taking pictures of the many medications i will be injecting into my body. Right then Brayden came in the kitchen and the tears came, partly cuz of the weirdness of all of this, partly cuz I needed him to come in and be reminded of why I am doing this and mostly cuz he gave me a big hug - just because.
As he is asking me what the heck all this stuff is a light goes off in his head - so he says in a real soft voice ...... "don't you have to have s-e-x in order to have a baby"..... OMG, gulp..... so I said "nope, not this time" and then went on to try and explain why and how the doctor was gonna do it. WOW, that was weird!!! He was fine with my answer and went on about life, gotta love kids not really needing much of an explanation.
When you are in the situation, its hard to see it as anything else than normal. Just as Harmony’s twice weekly therapy used to be and her yearly IEP is, I used to try to shelter and hide the injections from the kids but it just was way too hard. They are old enuf to be able to be told. They understand what they can and what they don’t doesn’t seem to bother them much. They have been thru all the IVF’s and all the miscarriages and they are bothered by the loses just as much as we are. They are there for all the injections, Harmony has even been “trained” on how to give the intramuscular progesterone injections for the nights that Matt isnt around. How disturbing is that? Ugh, but what else are we gonna do? Brayden cant even be in the room with the injections cuz he says it “makes his legs tingle” to see that stuff. I decided to tell them about it and let them see that I wasnt doing anything illegal since they are really hit hard with the drug talk at school. I deff did not want them peeking in on me doing an injection and busting that nugget out during the class drug talk - ouch, that would be a meeting with the principal for sure!
All the meds in the picture are going to be used in a 8-10 day period, the only ones that wont be will be the blood thinner injections - so the 2 boxes of Lovenox in the back will be left over after the intense days of stimulation. Holy Crap, thats a lot of medication.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
When is it ok to stop?
Looking in on the situation I'm sure I would say to someone - you have done all you can and its ok to stop, however, when you are the one its not quite that easy.
I don’t know if or when I will ever be able to say I did enuf if this doesn’t work. I would love to be able to walk away from this IVF feeling good about all I have done and even if it doesn’t work, still being ok with what I have done so far but I don’t see that happening, not at all. I figure I will spend months trying to figure out where I can blame myself for doing or not doing something correct when in all honesty I know that I could not possibly do anything else in my power to make this happen, I have spent more time on this than pretty much anything else in my life. I am not competitive, but I am a fighter when it means something to me, like when Harmony was little and no one would listen to me about there being something “wrong” with her. I pushed til I found someone to listen to me. Im pretty lazy when it comes to life, but some things light a fire under my ass for sure.
I do not want to waste my life with “what ifs” but I don’t know how to stop and be ok. I don’t know how to pat myself on the back and move on. How do you pat yourself on the back for a good job when you don’t get what you fought for?
I am not only fighting for myself, I am also fighting for the man I love. I know I have probably talked about this before but my heart breaks every time I reminisce about when the kids were little or I see them doing something that is totally something that is me or Brian. Matt loves the children, its very obvious, but he cant know the love of having your “own” child and watching that child grow up from birth. Its amazing that when you don’t have children you can love a child in the family and you feel sooooo much love for this child but it cant even compare to the love you feel for your own. You cant explain this to someone who doesnt have children, it cant be explained, its just felt the second that your child looks at you. I want him to be able to feel the love that is felt when a part of you is walking and talking and being wonderful and naughty all at the same time. I want for us to share in all the wonderful and stressful times that come with infant-hood. I remember even as hard as life was when the kids were little, Brian and I would always laugh about something during the day cuz the kids were around and reminding us that most days were just exhausting but amusing.
He deserves to have that experience.
Im sure plenty of people “deserve” things that they don’t get, I understand that people with MS “deserve” to be able to walk and not have vertigo,people with cancer totally “deserve” to live a full life without pain and chemo, etc. - I just don’t know how to get past my feelings of failure and move forward without regret or hatered for myself. That is where I get caught up. I talk to the therapist and she helps but its not a fast process, and as everyone knows, I am not the most patient person in the world. Logically, I know its not a failure but that sure doesn’t help to get past the feeling.
I have flip/floped a lot these last few months. This being the last try is both freakin’ me out as well as making me feel at peace (some days). I have been doing this for almost 3 years now. Everything that I do revolves around this so reaching an ending does sound very appealing, however, if that ending is not the one I envision then instead it is scary, very, very scary.
I don’t know where I would stand in all of this if I didn’t have children. I often wonder if I would fight harder or if I would have given up long ago. Looking at those kiddos makes me know how incredible it is to be a parent and how much I want Matt to also know that feeling. It is the only thing I have ever wanted for myself, to be a good mother. I never cared about college or a career, never had big dreams of being wealthy...... only having children and being there for them so I’d like to think that if I didn’t have children I would still fight this hard. On the flip side tho, how could I possibly know how incredible it would be to be a mother if I wasn’t one? Would it be this hard to walk away since I honestly would have no clue what I was missing. I don’t know and thank goodness I never will.
I don’t know if or when I will ever be able to say I did enuf if this doesn’t work. I would love to be able to walk away from this IVF feeling good about all I have done and even if it doesn’t work, still being ok with what I have done so far but I don’t see that happening, not at all. I figure I will spend months trying to figure out where I can blame myself for doing or not doing something correct when in all honesty I know that I could not possibly do anything else in my power to make this happen, I have spent more time on this than pretty much anything else in my life. I am not competitive, but I am a fighter when it means something to me, like when Harmony was little and no one would listen to me about there being something “wrong” with her. I pushed til I found someone to listen to me. Im pretty lazy when it comes to life, but some things light a fire under my ass for sure.
I do not want to waste my life with “what ifs” but I don’t know how to stop and be ok. I don’t know how to pat myself on the back and move on. How do you pat yourself on the back for a good job when you don’t get what you fought for?
I am not only fighting for myself, I am also fighting for the man I love. I know I have probably talked about this before but my heart breaks every time I reminisce about when the kids were little or I see them doing something that is totally something that is me or Brian. Matt loves the children, its very obvious, but he cant know the love of having your “own” child and watching that child grow up from birth. Its amazing that when you don’t have children you can love a child in the family and you feel sooooo much love for this child but it cant even compare to the love you feel for your own. You cant explain this to someone who doesnt have children, it cant be explained, its just felt the second that your child looks at you. I want him to be able to feel the love that is felt when a part of you is walking and talking and being wonderful and naughty all at the same time. I want for us to share in all the wonderful and stressful times that come with infant-hood. I remember even as hard as life was when the kids were little, Brian and I would always laugh about something during the day cuz the kids were around and reminding us that most days were just exhausting but amusing.
He deserves to have that experience.
Im sure plenty of people “deserve” things that they don’t get, I understand that people with MS “deserve” to be able to walk and not have vertigo,people with cancer totally “deserve” to live a full life without pain and chemo, etc. - I just don’t know how to get past my feelings of failure and move forward without regret or hatered for myself. That is where I get caught up. I talk to the therapist and she helps but its not a fast process, and as everyone knows, I am not the most patient person in the world. Logically, I know its not a failure but that sure doesn’t help to get past the feeling.
I have flip/floped a lot these last few months. This being the last try is both freakin’ me out as well as making me feel at peace (some days). I have been doing this for almost 3 years now. Everything that I do revolves around this so reaching an ending does sound very appealing, however, if that ending is not the one I envision then instead it is scary, very, very scary.
I don’t know where I would stand in all of this if I didn’t have children. I often wonder if I would fight harder or if I would have given up long ago. Looking at those kiddos makes me know how incredible it is to be a parent and how much I want Matt to also know that feeling. It is the only thing I have ever wanted for myself, to be a good mother. I never cared about college or a career, never had big dreams of being wealthy...... only having children and being there for them so I’d like to think that if I didn’t have children I would still fight this hard. On the flip side tho, how could I possibly know how incredible it would be to be a mother if I wasn’t one? Would it be this hard to walk away since I honestly would have no clue what I was missing. I don’t know and thank goodness I never will.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Feeling very savvy today
I am convinced that the insurance company makes things incredibily difficult on purpose so that you will eventualy give up and just pay so they dont have to. They are probabbly right in most cases, they got me for over two years with that crap. Now, becuase i have been doing this crap for way too long, i now have the upper hand - or at least i think i do. I bet in a couple years i will find out they would have paid me to take the medication if i tried harder, lol.
I just got off the phone wiht the "speciality pharmacy" aka the one the insurnace gets the best deal from. Its slow as hell and they arent the nicest people in the world but deff worth doing it this way.
When i first started all this mess i was THRILLED to find out that the $3,000 worth of meds were only gonna cost us $300.00 only to find out there was a WAY better deal out there. Those meds, had i gone with the "speciality" pharmancy would have cost us about $40.00. Oh well, live and learn in this game.
I have ordered the medication for the IVF round - all the injections, syringes and such and after adding it all up, there is more than $8,000.00, if not more (if no insurance coverage) worth of medication coming my way...... my price $120.00. Apparently i pay a co-pay of $20.00 per grouping. There is one script i could get at walgreens for $8.00 instead of the $20.00 but it is totally not worth calling and tyring to get that one lonely script out of their hands and into Walgreens. No thank you, I'll just pay the $20.00.
I feel not only savvy right now but very very fortunate - fortunate for the insurance, even if they want to make my life difficult. Without them none of this fertility hell would be possible. So if you are gonna have to go thru this all, having to pay only $120.00 for meds sure does take lots of added stress off the shoulders.
Yay me! :-)
I just got off the phone wiht the "speciality pharmacy" aka the one the insurnace gets the best deal from. Its slow as hell and they arent the nicest people in the world but deff worth doing it this way.
When i first started all this mess i was THRILLED to find out that the $3,000 worth of meds were only gonna cost us $300.00 only to find out there was a WAY better deal out there. Those meds, had i gone with the "speciality" pharmancy would have cost us about $40.00. Oh well, live and learn in this game.
I have ordered the medication for the IVF round - all the injections, syringes and such and after adding it all up, there is more than $8,000.00, if not more (if no insurance coverage) worth of medication coming my way...... my price $120.00. Apparently i pay a co-pay of $20.00 per grouping. There is one script i could get at walgreens for $8.00 instead of the $20.00 but it is totally not worth calling and tyring to get that one lonely script out of their hands and into Walgreens. No thank you, I'll just pay the $20.00.
I feel not only savvy right now but very very fortunate - fortunate for the insurance, even if they want to make my life difficult. Without them none of this fertility hell would be possible. So if you are gonna have to go thru this all, having to pay only $120.00 for meds sure does take lots of added stress off the shoulders.
Yay me! :-)
Friday, February 5, 2010
A little explanation.....
I feel like I should explain a little about why I am on sooooo many medications. Some, if not all of you know but i was thinking about it last night and it seems so normal to me, however, if i was reading this I would wonder what the hell was wrong with me and why sooooo many medications! Geesh!
After having the 1st miscarriage the doc said "this just happens, its bad luck", after the 2nd we were give the same bogus answer of "bad luck" the 3rd and 4th were pretty much handled the same way until i pushed. FINALLY i found a doctor that was willing to test me for some things that were not "the norm" and tons of crazy a** stuff came up.
Turns out that I dont have 1 or 2 or even 3 mutated genes that cause clotting and "thick blood" issues, i have FOUR of them. Thx to my wonderful genes and my age, I continue to lose pregnancies. Actually, the number 3 comes up in this too cuz although i have 4 mutated genes, 2 of them are exactly the same so actually only 3 different genes, there is my number again, lol.
So thats where the baby aspirin and blood thinner injections come into play. They will thin the blood so that it can flow better to the uterus and thicken up my uterine lining so that there is a nice cushion for the embryo(s) to burrow into. It will also help later on in the pregnancy with blood flow. The double mutated MTHFR (by the way it is shortened, im sure you can sound out what I call that damn thing!) also makes it almost impossible for my body to break down folic acid which is so important for a babys eye and brain development. It also interferes with the way my body takes in and processes Vit B6 and Vit B12 which are important for many reasons but very important in the world of fertility. That is where the medication Metnax comes in. There are super mega doses of B12 and 6 in there and the folic acid is already broken down for my lazy a** body.
Now, there is also something else going on in my body most of the time - I have a really high Natural Killer Cell count, Natural killer cells are in everyone,no whoop, they are good things to have, they help to fight off colds and such. Cept mine are super pumped up like on speed and want to fight everything off, including a baby. Great, thanks. I guess its just like a little kid who wants to do something great like make breakfast for you and when you wake up and come downstairs you are greeted with your great grandmothers broken china in the trash, sticky juice all over and a HUGE mess to clean up and a pile of dog poop strategically placed under your foot as get to the bottom of the stairs - Nice gesture, but lets not go there again. I dont get sick really ever, but I also lose babies. I'll take the cold thank you very much.
So that is where the steroids come in to play - they will calm those lil buggers down (or suppose to anyway) so they aren't so powerful. The very expensive IVIg treatments are basically the same but more powerful and less side effects to the treatment. Steroids sure do make you feel good while you are on them but you can have some crazy things happen due to steroids - Fragile bones is one so that is where the 1000mg of extra calcium comes in.
I think that covers all the extra vitamins and scripts - wait, Vit E......to be perfectly honest, I cant remember why the extra Vit E. I'm sure I could call and ask but I don't really feel like it so we will just say its for the skin.
I will not be going to acupuncture this time around - the cost makes me more stressed so it just isn't worth it. I will be drinking at least 70oz - or at least trying to - of water a day. Now, I am not a fan of water, I don't hate it as much as I did 2 years ago, but I have a strong, strong dislike for the stuff. I would much rather be drinking a Diet Dew, but you do what you gotta do. I gave up soda over a year ago but I do treat myself to one at least a couple times a week. Gives me something to look forward - gosh, that is sad.
The water counteracts the possible OHSS which is over hyper stimulation syndrome that can come with all the high doses of hormone that i will be pumping into my body. It can be serious, I believe your body holds all the liquid and you have to go and have your ovaries drained of liquid so that they don't explode - youch! So they want you to drink tons and tons of water to help that. I haven't had any problems in any of the 8 injection cycles so I'm not real concerned but I will drink the water anyway.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
3rd times the charm, right???
I like the number 3, I really do. I'm weird like that - I like to park in the 3rd spot at work in the parking lot, I like to eat things in 3's, I like to type 3 lines then take a break, etc....so I suppose I can look at this in a good way.
So the 6th and last IUI failed, what a surprise. I was actually pretty hopeful this time only cuz of the new meds and vitamins that I have been taking, I was let down with the negative result but life moves on.
Now we enter the 3rd and final IVF and I am freaked out. Freaked out cuz it’s the “last” chance, freaked out cuz i am afraid it wont work, freaked out cuz if it does work I could lose it again, Freaked out cuz I just don’t want to do the whole process over again. Its time consuming and makes me a crazy person, not to mention all the money and emotion that goes into it all. **Sigh**
I will go thru it and make it thru because this is something I want to do and something I want to look back and say was worth it. I'm not competitive but in this situation I want to win, i want to beat this infertility bitch and I want to say I did all i could to give/have a child with my hubby.
At this poitn I swear I am on more medication and vitamins than my 85 y/o grandma, and that is hard cuz she has lots of meds! Hahahaha!
I am at the beginning of the IVF cycle as I type. CD5 I have chosen to take bcp for 2 weeks so that I can time it right. I am leaving on the 13th of Feb in AZ so I couldnt start the stims right away. Ok, back to the grind..... am not worried about the short amount of time on bcp's that I am on them since I will be on blood thinner injections this time. No worries, cept for the fact that they make me mean and nasty. Oh well, not much difference that normal days I suppose.....moving right along
So for the last month daily I have been taking as follows:
* Citna-natal Assure which is prenatal (scripted)
* DHA pill (scripted)
* Metanx which is high doses of Methylfolate (broken down folic acid) and high doses of B6 and B12 (scripted)
* Baby aspirin (instructed by specialist)
* 400 extra of Vit E (instructed by specialist)
* Two 500mg extra of Calcium (instructed by specialist)
* 500mg of Metformin (regulates and keeps blood sugars in check, scripted)
* 400 unit injection of Lovenox (blood thinner, scripted)
- Total of 8 pills and one injection
On Sunday the 31st of January with the start of my cycle I added to the above:
* One birth control pill
* 10 mg prednisone steroid (scripted)
- Total of 10 pills and 1 injection
Last bcp will be the15th of February and wait for period, usually 3 days after last pill.
At that time I will go back into the doctor for baseline blood work and ultrasound. Hopefully then be given the green light for the daily simulation medication. So I will then add to the above:
* 300 iu injection of Follistim (to stimulate follicles to grow)
* Two vials of 75 iu injection of Menopur ( to stimulate follicles to grow)
- Total of 9 pills and 4 injections daily
Then about 6 days into the stim injections I will add another daily injection called Ganerellix which will help to stop my body from ovulating on its own - once follicles are grown and doc thinks its time to go then I will stop the Ganerellix, Follistim and Menopur and take one injection for egg retrieval called Ovidril. I will also have to stop the Lovenox (blood thinner until after egg retrieval)
For a few days I will injection free- yippie! :-)
I would assume that egg retrieval would be around the 4th or 5th of March. And egg transfer would then be around 7th or 9th. Then bed rest - the pay off for all the work - ahhhhhh!
After ER I will just wait and see how the embryos grow and progress. I would prefer to have a 5 day transfer this time so I know the embryos are nice and strong but if we are forced to do another 3 day with not so great embryos I will insist they put them ALL back in instead of letting them die (most likely) in the lab. I wish I would have thought about that and demanded that the 2nd time but sadly, I am learning as I go. I would rather my embryos have a chance inside my uterus instead of dying in the lab. I would also like to have a pricey procedure called PGD which is just basically a biopsy on the embryos to make sure they are genetically a-ok but when you don’t have a ton of embryos to “play” with the docs don’t like to do that since the procedure can traumatize and ultimately kill the embryos. So as far as that goes, that will need to be discussed after the embryos are here, fertilized and multiplying.
OH wait, silly me, I forgot something I will be doing. I am taking the steroid to try and keep the natural killer cells down and out but because mine seem not to respond all that great to them I will also be doing 2 treatments called IVIg, it’s a treatment and are $2,500 a pop. I will need to have 2 of those treatments before egg retrieval, then IF and when a positive pregnancy test I will need to have that same treatment every month into the 7th month of pregnancy.
Oh and i take a 50,000 unit Vit D pill every month scripted as well - how did i forget that my levels are crap - what a shock!
I love my kids and when I was pregnant with them and delivered them I was thankful for them, but not the way I should have been. Now as I look back I did take them for granted, was annoyed with their little hands messing my stuff up from time to time, didnt take the 2 years that I was lucky enuf to stay home with them and have my only job as mommy to heart like I should have. I regret that and wish I could go back and know how important that time was. Its not like my kids dont need me anymore, they do and I know they always will in some way. Just going thru this particular journey makes me think more about when they were little and very much needed me for everything. I would have never thought I would say I miss the days when Brayden would throw up on me at least 6 times a day or taking Harmony back and forth to physical and speech therapy and working so hard on having her say words that she was able to say the year before. Never did I think that I would miss the days when I was driving a beat-up ass blue mini van and being excited cuz I had been "stuck" at home with the kids and no car for quite some time. While you are in the moment you just cant see how precious every crazy, hectic, annoying min is and I hope to be able to do it again and see things differently.
So the 6th and last IUI failed, what a surprise. I was actually pretty hopeful this time only cuz of the new meds and vitamins that I have been taking, I was let down with the negative result but life moves on.
Now we enter the 3rd and final IVF and I am freaked out. Freaked out cuz it’s the “last” chance, freaked out cuz i am afraid it wont work, freaked out cuz if it does work I could lose it again, Freaked out cuz I just don’t want to do the whole process over again. Its time consuming and makes me a crazy person, not to mention all the money and emotion that goes into it all. **Sigh**
I will go thru it and make it thru because this is something I want to do and something I want to look back and say was worth it. I'm not competitive but in this situation I want to win, i want to beat this infertility bitch and I want to say I did all i could to give/have a child with my hubby.
At this poitn I swear I am on more medication and vitamins than my 85 y/o grandma, and that is hard cuz she has lots of meds! Hahahaha!
I am at the beginning of the IVF cycle as I type. CD5 I have chosen to take bcp for 2 weeks so that I can time it right. I am leaving on the 13th of Feb in AZ so I couldnt start the stims right away. Ok, back to the grind..... am not worried about the short amount of time on bcp's that I am on them since I will be on blood thinner injections this time. No worries, cept for the fact that they make me mean and nasty. Oh well, not much difference that normal days I suppose.....moving right along
So for the last month daily I have been taking as follows:
* Citna-natal Assure which is prenatal (scripted)
* DHA pill (scripted)
* Metanx which is high doses of Methylfolate (broken down folic acid) and high doses of B6 and B12 (scripted)
* Baby aspirin (instructed by specialist)
* 400 extra of Vit E (instructed by specialist)
* Two 500mg extra of Calcium (instructed by specialist)
* 500mg of Metformin (regulates and keeps blood sugars in check, scripted)
* 400 unit injection of Lovenox (blood thinner, scripted)
- Total of 8 pills and one injection
On Sunday the 31st of January with the start of my cycle I added to the above:
* One birth control pill
* 10 mg prednisone steroid (scripted)
- Total of 10 pills and 1 injection
Last bcp will be the15th of February and wait for period, usually 3 days after last pill.
At that time I will go back into the doctor for baseline blood work and ultrasound. Hopefully then be given the green light for the daily simulation medication. So I will then add to the above:
* 300 iu injection of Follistim (to stimulate follicles to grow)
* Two vials of 75 iu injection of Menopur ( to stimulate follicles to grow)
- Total of 9 pills and 4 injections daily
Then about 6 days into the stim injections I will add another daily injection called Ganerellix which will help to stop my body from ovulating on its own - once follicles are grown and doc thinks its time to go then I will stop the Ganerellix, Follistim and Menopur and take one injection for egg retrieval called Ovidril. I will also have to stop the Lovenox (blood thinner until after egg retrieval)
For a few days I will injection free- yippie! :-)
I would assume that egg retrieval would be around the 4th or 5th of March. And egg transfer would then be around 7th or 9th. Then bed rest - the pay off for all the work - ahhhhhh!
After ER I will just wait and see how the embryos grow and progress. I would prefer to have a 5 day transfer this time so I know the embryos are nice and strong but if we are forced to do another 3 day with not so great embryos I will insist they put them ALL back in instead of letting them die (most likely) in the lab. I wish I would have thought about that and demanded that the 2nd time but sadly, I am learning as I go. I would rather my embryos have a chance inside my uterus instead of dying in the lab. I would also like to have a pricey procedure called PGD which is just basically a biopsy on the embryos to make sure they are genetically a-ok but when you don’t have a ton of embryos to “play” with the docs don’t like to do that since the procedure can traumatize and ultimately kill the embryos. So as far as that goes, that will need to be discussed after the embryos are here, fertilized and multiplying.
OH wait, silly me, I forgot something I will be doing. I am taking the steroid to try and keep the natural killer cells down and out but because mine seem not to respond all that great to them I will also be doing 2 treatments called IVIg, it’s a treatment and are $2,500 a pop. I will need to have 2 of those treatments before egg retrieval, then IF and when a positive pregnancy test I will need to have that same treatment every month into the 7th month of pregnancy.
Oh and i take a 50,000 unit Vit D pill every month scripted as well - how did i forget that my levels are crap - what a shock!
I love my kids and when I was pregnant with them and delivered them I was thankful for them, but not the way I should have been. Now as I look back I did take them for granted, was annoyed with their little hands messing my stuff up from time to time, didnt take the 2 years that I was lucky enuf to stay home with them and have my only job as mommy to heart like I should have. I regret that and wish I could go back and know how important that time was. Its not like my kids dont need me anymore, they do and I know they always will in some way. Just going thru this particular journey makes me think more about when they were little and very much needed me for everything. I would have never thought I would say I miss the days when Brayden would throw up on me at least 6 times a day or taking Harmony back and forth to physical and speech therapy and working so hard on having her say words that she was able to say the year before. Never did I think that I would miss the days when I was driving a beat-up ass blue mini van and being excited cuz I had been "stuck" at home with the kids and no car for quite some time. While you are in the moment you just cant see how precious every crazy, hectic, annoying min is and I hope to be able to do it again and see things differently.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Last Monday Matt and I went to see 2 different RE’s about a donor egg IVF cycle. Now, the 1st one is here in our town and is “cheaper” than most places but seems to be a great place. Very kind, clean and I talked to a lady waiting there and she said the staff is unbelievable, however, she did disclose that the doc/office is often running behind and I hate that. I have left doctors for that. Its not that I think I cant wait, its that I have to leave work to go to the doc and although my boss is more understanding than most, I don’t want to take advantage of his kindness.
Anyway, he would like to do a donor cycle but 1st wants to do the test on my uterus, Intermin B to make sure all is well. Then, if not ok there will be a 3 month “treatment” of Lupron to put me in fake menopause for those 3 months. Then I would go right into the D/E IVF cycle. If all is fine with the test I would just go right into the cycle. Apparently the docs wife is a lawyer so she is able to cut costs quite a bit with the donor cycles. The lady that handles it is gone on va-ca that week so I will talk with her next week about what the bottom line cost would be. We assume its about 12-15K cuz insurance will pay for everything after the retrieval, thank goodness.
The 2nd doc, much more expensive and way better success rates is in Gurnee, with traffic its got to be an hour or more from home. He was pretty arrogant but I guess who wouldn’t be considering his rates at the moment. He, like my other regular RE, does not do that test on the uterus because he doesn’t think it is worth the time and doesn’t believe that even with treatment it would matter. He said that people who have the test come out badly can carry babies to term and the data out there just doesn’t show it’s a test that really matters. He was surprised that we would even be considering a D/E cycle cuz we still have a 25% chance of conceiving with my eggs.... he said most people don’t consider a D/E cycle until the chances are 5% or lower. The success rate with my eggs would be 25% and with a donor would be 70% at this office. He also said that sometimes he turns people away from D/E cycles when their success would be 25% but he would let us do it if we wanted to.
I have talked to 4 RE’s now and 3 out of those 4 do not do the test since the consider it not helpful.
This is the crazy part - I talked with them and even tho we have some insurance coverage, they would have us pay everything up front and then try to get the insurance to give us the amount due to us after the retrieval. The cost they want is 25K and that doesn’t include the medication or freezing or anything really. THEN she says to me that the amount I would prob get back is about $1,500.00 which makes no sense to me at all but I was sick of talking to her so I just let it go.
While there I had an ultrasound done and they found at least 6 fibroids that they catch with the u/s machine. Now, these shouldn’t be an issue cuz they are not around the lining where the baby would implant but he also said it could be an issue and then I asked what we should do about them and he mentioned having them removed so thats great but then he said its not a good idea since it can cause scar tissue and hurt chances of carrying a baby to term, geesh! He was talking out of both sides of his mouth really. DH and I really liked him and the clinic but this price stuff is just obnoxious!
OH, AND I found out htat my regular RE who was the one who mentioned this donor egg cycle in the first place have NEVER even done a donor IVF cycle. There is a place where every doc has to send in “results” of fertility treatments and such and they have a big fat -0- for donor cycles. That probably woulda been something to tell me before I drop 20K in their lap! Urg!
We haven’t totally decided what we are gonna do and we talked about not making the decision based solely on money but the difference between the 2 is just too much not to consider the money. I really think we will be going with a donor cycle over at the office in town here, that will actually bill to my insurance. However, I don’t think I will be going with the Intermin B test if there is no reason to do it or a way to "fix" it. I think that may cause more stress with all of this.
I got myself all worked up and crazed the other day reading over all the things they sent over.
I was reading all the info and they had things in there that I had never even thought about..... do we tell the child I am not actually the bio mother? And if we choose not to then we better make darn sure nobody else knows and it slips out during bobs drunken rant on thanksgiving or whatever. How devastating would that be to find something like that out later in life? I can only imagine we would tell the child or children but how do you even talk about that and when??? Geesh! Then what happens if they want to meet the donor and how to tell them that isn’t even possible - I dont want a child getting all sad and weird about it cuz its not the "norm". Im sure people deal with it all the time cuz of adoption but kinda different. I have no idea when the 1st D/E IVF baby was born so im guessing that there arent a lot of groups out there to talk to about how they brought it up and how the child felt about it....... why does this have to be so complicated :(
Thank goodness they have pictures in the book they allow us to see - how else would they know if we were getting an egg from Matt’s family member? Like what if his cousin was looking for some cash while in college and didn’t tell anyone? What about if they marry a half sibling or what if they become jerk teens and give me crap abotu not being their "real” mother or feel like I was nicer or more loving to my other children..... ugh, the possibilties are just endless and sacry but I spose kids could feel and act up even with out this issue.
I think I watch "Intervention" too much, lol
I go back and forth between using my eggs and not using my eggs. I don’t know why but I just keep feeling that its not my eggs, that it can happen and we are just really, really un-lucky. But, this may make me sound horrid but the thought of NOT taking those meds is pretty darn appealing to me so the D/E cycle seems very a lot less stressful on my body. Because I have 2 children I sometimes fear not being able to love a D/E child as I do my own, what if they have some annoying habit that I just cant stand or what if I find them funny looking?!?!?!?! With your children most of those things you don’t even notice but with knowing that its really not "mine" will I be able to do that? In my heart I know I could but I still worry about it since I know that amazing bond that comes with a child. Does it come with carrying and living with the child OR does it come from biology? I guess that whole "nature vs. nurture" thing.
Is the most important part that the child purely exists out of LOVE? The love Matt and I share, the love and kindness of a stranger brave enough to help another woman have a child she so desperately wants and deserves and while the biological egg is not mine, it will be my body that nourishes that baby and gives it life. Without me, it may be just another egg shed during a menstrual cycle never having a chance at life.
Anyway, he would like to do a donor cycle but 1st wants to do the test on my uterus, Intermin B to make sure all is well. Then, if not ok there will be a 3 month “treatment” of Lupron to put me in fake menopause for those 3 months. Then I would go right into the D/E IVF cycle. If all is fine with the test I would just go right into the cycle. Apparently the docs wife is a lawyer so she is able to cut costs quite a bit with the donor cycles. The lady that handles it is gone on va-ca that week so I will talk with her next week about what the bottom line cost would be. We assume its about 12-15K cuz insurance will pay for everything after the retrieval, thank goodness.
The 2nd doc, much more expensive and way better success rates is in Gurnee, with traffic its got to be an hour or more from home. He was pretty arrogant but I guess who wouldn’t be considering his rates at the moment. He, like my other regular RE, does not do that test on the uterus because he doesn’t think it is worth the time and doesn’t believe that even with treatment it would matter. He said that people who have the test come out badly can carry babies to term and the data out there just doesn’t show it’s a test that really matters. He was surprised that we would even be considering a D/E cycle cuz we still have a 25% chance of conceiving with my eggs.... he said most people don’t consider a D/E cycle until the chances are 5% or lower. The success rate with my eggs would be 25% and with a donor would be 70% at this office. He also said that sometimes he turns people away from D/E cycles when their success would be 25% but he would let us do it if we wanted to.
I have talked to 4 RE’s now and 3 out of those 4 do not do the test since the consider it not helpful.
This is the crazy part - I talked with them and even tho we have some insurance coverage, they would have us pay everything up front and then try to get the insurance to give us the amount due to us after the retrieval. The cost they want is 25K and that doesn’t include the medication or freezing or anything really. THEN she says to me that the amount I would prob get back is about $1,500.00 which makes no sense to me at all but I was sick of talking to her so I just let it go.
While there I had an ultrasound done and they found at least 6 fibroids that they catch with the u/s machine. Now, these shouldn’t be an issue cuz they are not around the lining where the baby would implant but he also said it could be an issue and then I asked what we should do about them and he mentioned having them removed so thats great but then he said its not a good idea since it can cause scar tissue and hurt chances of carrying a baby to term, geesh! He was talking out of both sides of his mouth really. DH and I really liked him and the clinic but this price stuff is just obnoxious!
OH, AND I found out htat my regular RE who was the one who mentioned this donor egg cycle in the first place have NEVER even done a donor IVF cycle. There is a place where every doc has to send in “results” of fertility treatments and such and they have a big fat -0- for donor cycles. That probably woulda been something to tell me before I drop 20K in their lap! Urg!
We haven’t totally decided what we are gonna do and we talked about not making the decision based solely on money but the difference between the 2 is just too much not to consider the money. I really think we will be going with a donor cycle over at the office in town here, that will actually bill to my insurance. However, I don’t think I will be going with the Intermin B test if there is no reason to do it or a way to "fix" it. I think that may cause more stress with all of this.
I got myself all worked up and crazed the other day reading over all the things they sent over.
I was reading all the info and they had things in there that I had never even thought about..... do we tell the child I am not actually the bio mother? And if we choose not to then we better make darn sure nobody else knows and it slips out during bobs drunken rant on thanksgiving or whatever. How devastating would that be to find something like that out later in life? I can only imagine we would tell the child or children but how do you even talk about that and when??? Geesh! Then what happens if they want to meet the donor and how to tell them that isn’t even possible - I dont want a child getting all sad and weird about it cuz its not the "norm". Im sure people deal with it all the time cuz of adoption but kinda different. I have no idea when the 1st D/E IVF baby was born so im guessing that there arent a lot of groups out there to talk to about how they brought it up and how the child felt about it....... why does this have to be so complicated :(
Thank goodness they have pictures in the book they allow us to see - how else would they know if we were getting an egg from Matt’s family member? Like what if his cousin was looking for some cash while in college and didn’t tell anyone? What about if they marry a half sibling or what if they become jerk teens and give me crap abotu not being their "real” mother or feel like I was nicer or more loving to my other children..... ugh, the possibilties are just endless and sacry but I spose kids could feel and act up even with out this issue.
I think I watch "Intervention" too much, lol
I go back and forth between using my eggs and not using my eggs. I don’t know why but I just keep feeling that its not my eggs, that it can happen and we are just really, really un-lucky. But, this may make me sound horrid but the thought of NOT taking those meds is pretty darn appealing to me so the D/E cycle seems very a lot less stressful on my body. Because I have 2 children I sometimes fear not being able to love a D/E child as I do my own, what if they have some annoying habit that I just cant stand or what if I find them funny looking?!?!?!?! With your children most of those things you don’t even notice but with knowing that its really not "mine" will I be able to do that? In my heart I know I could but I still worry about it since I know that amazing bond that comes with a child. Does it come with carrying and living with the child OR does it come from biology? I guess that whole "nature vs. nurture" thing.
Is the most important part that the child purely exists out of LOVE? The love Matt and I share, the love and kindness of a stranger brave enough to help another woman have a child she so desperately wants and deserves and while the biological egg is not mine, it will be my body that nourishes that baby and gives it life. Without me, it may be just another egg shed during a menstrual cycle never having a chance at life.
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