Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Another blood test

Seems as tho my body likes to miscarry and is apparently very good at it. Too bad it wasnt really good at carrying a baby to term.
Bitter sweet call today from the nurse at the RE's office. My pregnancy levels are "less than 1" which means my body did m/c on its own. Thats good news but still hard to take. I knew it wasnt gonna go this way but i sure would have liked to hear that my levels went up and the baby was just messin wiht me before, lol, wouldnt that have been nice. No such luck.
I asked to have the doc call me 2moro to go over some things that i want to have done. There are a few blood tests that I can assume that i have had done but who knows so Im gonna ask and if i have not had them then its time to get going on that. I am also gonna ask to have 2 tests done on my uterus, even tho 1 would prob be good enough. I would like to have a saline test done, where they inject saline into your uterus to see how it coats it, looking for polyps and fibroids near the lining. I would also like to have an MRI done to check for the same. Apparently, having fibroids near the lining can mess whit implantation so that would be something ot look for. I know that i have a fibroid in my uterus because my other doc saw one during an ultrasound but she said it was not a problem since it was no where near the lining.
I find it very strange that i can get pregnant 4 times in the last 2 years, 3 of those on our own, and lose the baby at almost the exact same time every time and NO ONE can tell me what is wrong.... seems strange that all the tests come back great and then at the same time every time the baby just takes a nose dive and is gone a week later. Weird.
I cant get over the heartache, I'm still so sad and very very mad about it all. I am so testy and the thought of doing anything cept going to work is just too overwhelming to me. I dont remember the last time i made a meal for the kids or Matt or myself for that matter. I just dont have any gumption right now. Kinda just going thru the motions and having a pity party for me.... boo-hoo.....

I dont want to give up, i want to know why this is happening. If this is the way it is i want to know why - what the hell is going on - i want to know. There is an answer and i swear I'm gonna figure it out. If its my uterus then we know not to invest the money into donor eggs but if its not my uterus then its time to find ourselves a donor so that we can get going with that. I need to know what it is.
I am way more careful and cautious then i was when i had the kids. I smoked cigs, drank alot when i got preggo with harmony, smoked again until i found out i was preggo with bray and never once took a vitamin until i got a positive pregnancy test. I ate whatever i wanted and that would be pasta and rice and bread/butter. I know i was younger at that point but how the hell did i get THAT old in the last 10 years? It doesnt make sense to me.

Monday, May 11, 2009


About a week and a half ago I tested positive for pregnancy, again. YEAH! So I tested every day to make sure that the line would get darker and it did, yeah again! That means that the pregnancy hormone, HCG, is getting higher and that is what you want. Since this was a cycle where we had no idea when I ovulated or when my period was due I waited a bit to go to the doctor to confirm.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon and the office called to confirm pregnancy and asked me to come back again on Thursday to make sure the my levels doubled in the 48 hours. Went back on Thursday afternoon and everything looked great, baby was doing what we needed. 1 final blood-test and then they would schedule my ultra-sound and set up a due date, again, cuz we didnt know when I ovulated.
They asked me to come back on Sunday, Mothers Day, for the final test. Made me a little nervous. T to be honest, I wasnt going to go just in case something was wrong but then I figured there was NO way in hell the universe would fuck me on Mothers Day and I did not deserve to hear that ironically I was losing a baby on Mothers Day - so I went.
Man, was I wrong. Got the call from the nurse while I was at Walgreens, 11:00a.m. The nurse said “I’m sorry to tell you this but your numbers went down and you will loose this pregnancy”. I could only get out “ok, thanks for calling” and then left the store to cry in the car. Drove home and broke down while telling Matt about the call. Hugged him and sobbed for 10 min or so and then pulled it 2gether, fixed my make-up and prepared for guests. 20 min later people were arriving.
Matt offered to call everyone to call off brunch but I said no. I tried my damnest to put on a happy face and not think about the call or that all I wanted to crawl in a hole. We didnt say anything at the brunch, no need to ruin everyone elses day too. No one even knew we were expecting again anyway.

This is the 4th miscarriage in 2 years, the last time I got positive pregnancy test at home in December last year I never even went into the doc to confirm so that one they don’t even know about.

I dont get it, I just dont get it. Life isnt fair but this is just cruel, why am i getting pregnant and not being able to carry to term, why cant they find a damn thing "wrong" wiht either of us, why cant they tell me why this is happening? Why does ever single test we do come out fine and no reason for any of this?

I thought after the 1st m/c that I couldnt take much more and we just keep taking more and more with no reasons or answers. I just cant for the life of me understand what the hell we did to deserve this. My heart is just broken over and over.
Thank goodness for the kids and Matt or i would be completley lost. The kids kept close to me yesterday and Brayden gave me plenty of cuddles and hugs and lots of "i love you's" just like I needed.