Monday, March 30, 2009

Vacation this weekend!


At the end of this L-O-N-G week the family will be leaving on a jet plane to Texas. I have never been to Texas and very much looking forward to going there, mostly because it’s a warmer state and I am sick to death of Wisconsin gloom, ugh!
The kids are so super duper excited to leave cuz they have tickets to Wrestle Mania 25. They can barely contain their excitement. Harmony has saved money for her own souvenirs and is collecting money from the kids at school to get them something at the main event. Brayden has a lil bit of money but I assume he will be quite pissy when he is proven wrong and cant buy anything cool with 15 bucks. I am pretty sure he will live and be just fine tho.

I cant believe how happy I am to get out of town for a bit, life isn’t as busy as it normally is but I still am just giddy about leaving and maybe, just maybe, seeing and feeling that sun-shine for a few days! I am not looking forward to wearing shorts but I guess thats the price ya gotta pay!

Baseball season is coming up quickly and I am excited about that even tho there are 2games a week and then at least 1 practice so our lives pretty much revolve around that. Thats ok, it forces me (and Harmony) to go out into the world and not hide in the house which we tend to do a lot.

I have put into effect a very strict budget and thinking about opening an ING account for long term savings. Im hoping that I can stick to the budget, I don’t spend all that much on unnecessary things so it may be hard to save more - I’m sure there are things I can stop buying or shave off from some expenses.
We are planning a trip to Disney in April of 2010 and are not going to use any credit cards so we have to save about $500 a month to make it a nice trip where we don’t have to stay in a budget hotel or only eat chips and drink water for the whole week, lol. To be perfectly honest the kids are way more excited about the trip to Wrestle Mania then they are about the trip to Disney - go figure.

So after deciding that I will no longer be using fertility treatments now I have to get my body back on track - after almost 2 years of manipulating ovulation, etc, my body is pretty out of wack. I am on cycle day 39 or so right now when my cycles are normally (without medication that is) 32 days on the dot. I know I am not pregnant so I am just waiting on that lovely period now, who know when she will show. I didnt pay any attention this month to what day I was on or if and when i would ovulate, it was so nice not having to think about that crap. :O)

Friday, March 20, 2009

A hard day

Yesterday I got to spend some much needed time with my lil guy. He had a therapy appt in the morning so he skipped school, i took off of work and we spent the morning 2gether.
After his therapy appts i usually am either confused or scared. This time i am scared. SO much is coming out in therapy that i didn't even know. Not only is he eating things that are not food but he has a ton more of the OCD things going on, most of them revolve around me dying. He is having a lot of bad thoughts, wishing that he or someone that he is mad at will die. Then he will do these rituals to negate the bad thoughts cuz he really doesn't want us to die. Its so sad and its like a really fast rollercoaster that i cant get off of or take a breath. I try to make it seem like i am not bothered by it and that its normal for his sake but i am scared to death.
We had his bloodwork done and everything came back fine, no thyroid issue and no lead (which is soo good).
I also had an appt with the IEP team at Braydens school to see if he would be able to get help at school. Turns out that they dont think he is behind enough to get him help. Obviously i would rather my kid not need the IEP and be "labeled" but c'on, he is so stressed and doesnt know what a 5th grader should. I was shocked to hear them all say that he is "just like the other 5th graders" - not true. I have talked with other 5th granders, just like matt has, and he is very behind them. I dont understand why 4 teachers can see such a different thing then we are seeing. The therapist says it is cuz its very expensive for the schoo and they dont want to pay the fee unless they have to. What a shame. I fought as long as i could but was beaten and bullied into agreeing that he doesnt not "fit the requirements for special education". Boo! My question to them was this: So, 2 years from now when he is failing, fighting or bringing a gun to school THEN you will give him help?". They said "we can re-evaluate every year if need be". So apparently you have to be WAY in trouble to receive any help from the school. His teacher actually sat with me after the meeting and came up with some things we could do to help him, she could see how upset i was.
I will be looking into ADHD meds again, hopefully we can find something that could help him. He did so well in school when he was on the last time, but the side effects just upset all of us. I have a name of a phychotrist that his therapist would like him to see, maybe he would have more ideas then the regular pediatrician would.

Anyway, at the end of the day i sat down and cried. Not for me but for my children. Both of them have issues that are neurological and the therapist says are hereditary. I did this to them, obviously not on purpose but still. My genes are not all that great and yesterday sealed the deal on the whole baby thing. I cant bring another child wiht my genes into the world, just cant do it knowing what i know now. I cant watch another person i love deal with something so hard. Yes, i know, its not cancer and its not retardation but its still a major struggle for them and not fair at all. They deserve more, more of me, more help, more of whatever i Can give them to make their life better. Bringing another child that has a high risk of having something like they do or even worse if just not right.
I will consider donor eggs cuz i still would love to have more children - just not children wiht my messed up biology.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


The other day I got a bill from a card that I never use. It has some money on it that Jen pays every month tho so a bill does come every month. Well, I looked at it - which I never really do since I don’t use it - and turns out there are 2 charges for MYFITNESS for $29.99 . I have no idea what that is so I try the number on the bill.... yeah, it was busy..... for 2 days! So I googled it - gotta love that - and turns out that several other people have had this issue AND have tryed to call a busy line. Funny. So I called Citi card and the lady that I talked to said I was not the 1st or even the 5th person to call with this same problem. She looked at other bills and sure enough a total of 4 charges of $29.99. $120.00 they got out of me. DAMN!! They sent me copies of the other bills and I am disputing the charges.
The credit card company stopped that account and sent me another card so they are not able to charge the old one anymore.

Man, that sucked, what a waste of a few hours to deal with that.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ticked off at the cost of scripts!

Harmony has KP, whoopee, annoying but not deadly. We have been dealing with this since birth, practically. I had it as a kid and at least 70% of the population has it. Im sure its worse cuz we reside in the lovely non-sunny state of Wisconsin.
Anyway, we have gone thru every lotion and cream around and have been given tons of scripts to use, most of them are steroid creams, they work but they also thin the skin and that cant be good long term.
So i figured it was time We went to the dermatologist again and made an appt last week - it seems to be getting worse and I wanted him to try something new with her, he has this new foam stuff that he said was so new that we were the 1st of his patients to try it. He sent us away with a sample bottle, a paper script, a coupon and some hope, lol.
The pharmacy had no idea what the stuff was and didnt carry it. They ordered it for me. Now, I wasnt really freakin out since our insurance is crazy good but figured it wouldn't be cheap. 1 bottle of this sh*t would have cost us $155.00 and was only about a months worth. We paid only $13.00 so great for us but what about the poor lil kid that doesn't have insurance - good lord, WTF is wrong with those companies?!?!?!?
I have spent so much on different lotions that this was just a drop in the bucket but honestly couldn't understand how it is that they can really put such a huge price tag on something for frickin KP. It wont kill ya - its just annoying and not pretty to look at. It doesnt even hurt for crying out loud!

She has been using for about a week now and it looks a little better, nothing what you would think for that price. She says it is working and she likes the foam better than lotions and creams so that is good for her, that's what matters I suppose.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Appointment yesterday regarding donor eggs/embryo adoption

My head hurt after that meeting, I don’t think Matt and I are on the same page with all of this. Neither of us actually wants to go thru this but I would rather do the adoption and he would rather do the egg donor.
My issues/questions are so many that we need to discuss if we want to move forward and then call to make an appt with the doctor to discuss my concerns. I will meet with the doctor cuz Matt wants to but I know there are no answers to my questions so I think it’s a waste of time to go over all of this yet again. There are no guarantees with any of this but if we knew what the hell was wrong it would be sooooo much easier to choose what to do. Since we do not have a definite answer as to why this is not working out for us, I am not comfortable dropping 25K on a donor cycle. We don’t know if it is my eggs for sure, it could be my uterus or just really bad luck and then we go thru all of this again to not have anything except a huge bill and a broken heart at the end.

Much cheaper, no injections, already know that the embryos were "good" since they made it to the freezing stage as well as developing into a baby or 2.

The biggest issue is that the embryos are frozen and have to make it thru the “de-frosting” process and some don’t do so well. If we get a couple that has only 3 frozen embryos and only 1 of those makes it thru the de-frosting process then we are left with some pretty crappy odds.
The couple chooses wether or not to allow us as a couple to adopt their embryos and they can be very picky. Since we have only been married 2 years in April that can be an issue, also religion is a big one with some people. If we found a couple that had a lot of frozen embryos and that we liked they may not approve us and then we start the whole process over again.....

No injections for me, get to kinda hand pick what we like about the woman

Is very involved and expensive. We would have to go thru and pick a donor (who again, can deny us if they choose to) by going thru their very extensive information packet. They are very good at getting information on them and their background. They let us see one of the packets, 30 some pages of questions for the lady to fill out.
My issue with that is we have NO IDEA if her eggs are any good. They use the same criteria and tests that they have done with me and since there is nothing technically “wrong” with me then how the hell do we know her eggs are any good? All of my tests come back great, I respond well to the meds, etc but then my eggs come out kinda crappy. No guarantee that her eggs will be any better than mine, quite an expensive risk to take if you ask me. If we go this way I would want to go with someone who has donated before and they are able to see how her eggs are but I'm guessing that since they only get 3 grand for the whole thing that most of these ladies don’t go back over and over thru the process after knowing what its like. Who knows really, maybe as a younger person w/out kids its not as bad.

Ugggg, so I am no more hopeful then I was before the meeting with her ..... this keeps getting more and more stressful and involved - I keep feeling like each time we hit a brick wall and I try to go over it there is just another frickin wall there to get in my way. This shouldn’t be this hard, it shouldn’t be like this at all but it is so I try to deal the best I can and stay as on-track as I need to be but with each time it gets more difficult to “heal and deal”. I know there are plenty of people in the world who would love to have my “problems” and would probably love to slap me for complaining about things that aren’t really problems given all that goes on in peoples lives but sometimes I have to have the pity party, probably more often than I should honestly.

Matt would like me to take some months off of the injections and then go back in for another few rounds but I just cant do that. I have given those cycles all I had and I have no more to give. I cant take a break, go back to normal life knowing that I will have to do them again. I will stress about those months coming up. In my mind I am either in or out, and I am out. I need to look to other options at this point.