Monday, May 11, 2009


About a week and a half ago I tested positive for pregnancy, again. YEAH! So I tested every day to make sure that the line would get darker and it did, yeah again! That means that the pregnancy hormone, HCG, is getting higher and that is what you want. Since this was a cycle where we had no idea when I ovulated or when my period was due I waited a bit to go to the doctor to confirm.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon and the office called to confirm pregnancy and asked me to come back again on Thursday to make sure the my levels doubled in the 48 hours. Went back on Thursday afternoon and everything looked great, baby was doing what we needed. 1 final blood-test and then they would schedule my ultra-sound and set up a due date, again, cuz we didnt know when I ovulated.
They asked me to come back on Sunday, Mothers Day, for the final test. Made me a little nervous. T to be honest, I wasnt going to go just in case something was wrong but then I figured there was NO way in hell the universe would fuck me on Mothers Day and I did not deserve to hear that ironically I was losing a baby on Mothers Day - so I went.
Man, was I wrong. Got the call from the nurse while I was at Walgreens, 11:00a.m. The nurse said “I’m sorry to tell you this but your numbers went down and you will loose this pregnancy”. I could only get out “ok, thanks for calling” and then left the store to cry in the car. Drove home and broke down while telling Matt about the call. Hugged him and sobbed for 10 min or so and then pulled it 2gether, fixed my make-up and prepared for guests. 20 min later people were arriving.
Matt offered to call everyone to call off brunch but I said no. I tried my damnest to put on a happy face and not think about the call or that all I wanted to crawl in a hole. We didnt say anything at the brunch, no need to ruin everyone elses day too. No one even knew we were expecting again anyway.

This is the 4th miscarriage in 2 years, the last time I got positive pregnancy test at home in December last year I never even went into the doc to confirm so that one they don’t even know about.

I dont get it, I just dont get it. Life isnt fair but this is just cruel, why am i getting pregnant and not being able to carry to term, why cant they find a damn thing "wrong" wiht either of us, why cant they tell me why this is happening? Why does ever single test we do come out fine and no reason for any of this?

I thought after the 1st m/c that I couldnt take much more and we just keep taking more and more with no reasons or answers. I just cant for the life of me understand what the hell we did to deserve this. My heart is just broken over and over.
Thank goodness for the kids and Matt or i would be completley lost. The kids kept close to me yesterday and Brayden gave me plenty of cuddles and hugs and lots of "i love you's" just like I needed.


Anonymous said...


Love you all - Christa

Anonymous said...

((Hugs Chels))