Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Last Monday Matt and I went to see 2 different RE’s about a donor egg IVF cycle. Now, the 1st one is here in our town and is “cheaper” than most places but seems to be a great place. Very kind, clean and I talked to a lady waiting there and she said the staff is unbelievable, however, she did disclose that the doc/office is often running behind and I hate that. I have left doctors for that. Its not that I think I cant wait, its that I have to leave work to go to the doc and although my boss is more understanding than most, I don’t want to take advantage of his kindness.

Anyway, he would like to do a donor cycle but 1st wants to do the test on my uterus, Intermin B to make sure all is well. Then, if not ok there will be a 3 month “treatment” of Lupron to put me in fake menopause for those 3 months. Then I would go right into the D/E IVF cycle. If all is fine with the test I would just go right into the cycle. Apparently the docs wife is a lawyer so she is able to cut costs quite a bit with the donor cycles. The lady that handles it is gone on va-ca that week so I will talk with her next week about what the bottom line cost would be. We assume its about 12-15K cuz insurance will pay for everything after the retrieval, thank goodness.

The 2nd doc, much more expensive and way better success rates is in Gurnee, with traffic its got to be an hour or more from home. He was pretty arrogant but I guess who wouldn’t be considering his rates at the moment. He, like my other regular RE, does not do that test on the uterus because he doesn’t think it is worth the time and doesn’t believe that even with treatment it would matter. He said that people who have the test come out badly can carry babies to term and the data out there just doesn’t show it’s a test that really matters. He was surprised that we would even be considering a D/E cycle cuz we still have a 25% chance of conceiving with my eggs.... he said most people don’t consider a D/E cycle until the chances are 5% or lower. The success rate with my eggs would be 25% and with a donor would be 70% at this office. He also said that sometimes he turns people away from D/E cycles when their success would be 25% but he would let us do it if we wanted to.
I have talked to 4 RE’s now and 3 out of those 4 do not do the test since the consider it not helpful.

This is the crazy part - I talked with them and even tho we have some insurance coverage, they would have us pay everything up front and then try to get the insurance to give us the amount due to us after the retrieval. The cost they want is 25K and that doesn’t include the medication or freezing or anything really. THEN she says to me that the amount I would prob get back is about $1,500.00 which makes no sense to me at all but I was sick of talking to her so I just let it go.

While there I had an ultrasound done and they found at least 6 fibroids that they catch with the u/s machine. Now, these shouldn’t be an issue cuz they are not around the lining where the baby would implant but he also said it could be an issue and then I asked what we should do about them and he mentioned having them removed so thats great but then he said its not a good idea since it can cause scar tissue and hurt chances of carrying a baby to term, geesh! He was talking out of both sides of his mouth really. DH and I really liked him and the clinic but this price stuff is just obnoxious!

OH, AND I found out htat my regular RE who was the one who mentioned this donor egg cycle in the first place have NEVER even done a donor IVF cycle. There is a place where every doc has to send in “results” of fertility treatments and such and they have a big fat -0- for donor cycles. That probably woulda been something to tell me before I drop 20K in their lap! Urg!

We haven’t totally decided what we are gonna do and we talked about not making the decision based solely on money but the difference between the 2 is just too much not to consider the money. I really think we will be going with a donor cycle over at the office in town here, that will actually bill to my insurance. However, I don’t think I will be going with the Intermin B test if there is no reason to do it or a way to "fix" it. I think that may cause more stress with all of this.

I got myself all worked up and crazed the other day reading over all the things they sent over.
I was reading all the info and they had things in there that I had never even thought about..... do we tell the child I am not actually the bio mother? And if we choose not to then we better make darn sure nobody else knows and it slips out during bobs drunken rant on thanksgiving or whatever. How devastating would that be to find something like that out later in life? I can only imagine we would tell the child or children but how do you even talk about that and when??? Geesh! Then what happens if they want to meet the donor and how to tell them that isn’t even possible - I dont want a child getting all sad and weird about it cuz its not the "norm". Im sure people deal with it all the time cuz of adoption but kinda different. I have no idea when the 1st D/E IVF baby was born so im guessing that there arent a lot of groups out there to talk to about how they brought it up and how the child felt about it....... why does this have to be so complicated :(

Thank goodness they have pictures in the book they allow us to see - how else would they know if we were getting an egg from Matt’s family member? Like what if his cousin was looking for some cash while in college and didn’t tell anyone? What about if they marry a half sibling or what if they become jerk teens and give me crap abotu not being their "real” mother or feel like I was nicer or more loving to my other children..... ugh, the possibilties are just endless and sacry but I spose kids could feel and act up even with out this issue.

I think I watch "Intervention" too much, lol

I go back and forth between using my eggs and not using my eggs. I don’t know why but I just keep feeling that its not my eggs, that it can happen and we are just really, really un-lucky. But, this may make me sound horrid but the thought of NOT taking those meds is pretty darn appealing to me so the D/E cycle seems very a lot less stressful on my body. Because I have 2 children I sometimes fear not being able to love a D/E child as I do my own, what if they have some annoying habit that I just cant stand or what if I find them funny looking?!?!?!?! With your children most of those things you don’t even notice but with knowing that its really not "mine" will I be able to do that? In my heart I know I could but I still worry about it since I know that amazing bond that comes with a child. Does it come with carrying and living with the child OR does it come from biology? I guess that whole "nature vs. nurture" thing.

Is the most important part that the child purely exists out of LOVE? The love Matt and I share, the love and kindness of a stranger brave enough to help another woman have a child she so desperately wants and deserves and while the biological egg is not mine, it will be my body that nourishes that baby and gives it life. Without me, it may be just another egg shed during a menstrual cycle never having a chance at life.


Anonymous said...

I wish for one thing- we dont have to make these big decisions, what protocol to choose, integrin test or not, lupron or something else, instead, the Drs tell us to do something and we blindly follow. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I am compelled to write about the question you have if love comes from biology or living with baby. I have thought several times..what if what if my baby was switched by mistake at the hospital? what would I do? I would never give her up and this is my child, the one I know, live and care for. I can tell you without any doubt in my mind any mother will feel the same, biology doesnt matter here. the baby only knows you as the mom and thats what matters.

Anonymous said...

My Name is Stella, 42. 4 years TTC. 2 failed IUI and 1 in-vitro suspended due to low response. I'm going now for a new in vitro using an egg donor. I have no doubt about it. This will be my child. I will love him/her as to anyone else.
Of course I have the same questions you have about him/her feelings. What will he/she is going to think about this?. But I am sure that our love will be enough to make he/she a happy person.

This site can help you as much as I have helped me.