A hard day

Yesterday I got to spend some much needed time with my lil guy. He had a therapy appt in the morning so he skipped school, i took off of work and we spent the morning 2gether.
After his therapy appts i usually am either confused or scared. This time i am scared. SO much is coming out in therapy that i didn't even know. Not only is he eating things that are not food but he has a ton more of the OCD things going on, most of them revolve around me dying. He is having a lot of bad thoughts, wishing that he or someone that he is mad at will die. Then he will do these rituals to negate the bad thoughts cuz he really doesn't want us to die. Its so sad and its like a really fast rollercoaster that i cant get off of or take a breath. I try to make it seem like i am not bothered by it and that its normal for his sake but i am scared to death.
We had his bloodwork done and everything came back fine, no thyroid issue and no lead (which is soo good).
I also had an appt with the IEP team at Braydens school to see if he would be able to get help at school. Turns out that they dont think he is behind enough to get him help. Obviously i would rather my kid not need the IEP and be "labeled" but c'on, he is so stressed and doesnt know what a 5th grader should. I was shocked to hear them all say that he is "just like the other 5th graders" - not true. I have talked with other 5th granders, just like matt has, and he is very behind them. I dont understand why 4 teachers can see such a different thing then we are seeing. The therapist says it is cuz its very expensive for the schoo and they dont want to pay the fee unless they have to. What a shame. I fought as long as i could but was beaten and bullied into agreeing that he doesnt not "fit the requirements for special education". Boo! My question to them was this: So, 2 years from now when he is failing, fighting or bringing a gun to school THEN you will give him help?". They said "we can re-evaluate every year if need be". So apparently you have to be WAY in trouble to receive any help from the school. His teacher actually sat with me after the meeting and came up with some things we could do to help him, she could see how upset i was.
I will be looking into ADHD meds again, hopefully we can find something that could help him. He did so well in school when he was on the last time, but the side effects just upset all of us. I have a name of a phychotrist that his therapist would like him to see, maybe he would have more ideas then the regular pediatrician would.

Anyway, at the end of the day i sat down and cried. Not for me but for my children. Both of them have issues that are neurological and the therapist says are hereditary. I did this to them, obviously not on purpose but still. My genes are not all that great and yesterday sealed the deal on the whole baby thing. I cant bring another child wiht my genes into the world, just cant do it knowing what i know now. I cant watch another person i love deal with something so hard. Yes, i know, its not cancer and its not retardation but its still a major struggle for them and not fair at all. They deserve more, more of me, more help, more of whatever i Can give them to make their life better. Bringing another child that has a high risk of having something like they do or even worse if just not right.
I will consider donor eggs cuz i still would love to have more children - just not children wiht my messed up biology.