Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Ahhhhhh..... to be more like Brayden
I envy Brayden, for a lot of reasons - He lives in the moment, doesn’t plan ahead and loves life (most times). When he is happy, he is really happy and life is good, on the flip side, when life stinks for him, it really stinks but for the most part he is a happy kid. He has always had the best laugh. When he was a baby he would laugh and laugh all the time (in-between puking) and it was the most contagious laugh - a real belly laugh.
Anyhoo - the reason I bring it up is cuz from the very beginning he has been so into this cycle, the IVF and the pregnancy. He never thought it wouldn’t work, never crossed his mind that something could go wrong with the babies and asks me about them several times a day. He may be more happy about the babies than I am - if that is even possible. He asks me about food that I am eating and if I shouldn’t be eating “more healthy” choices (how adorable, right - ugh, good time to teach him commenting on what a lady eats is not a good idea tho) and just is happy and confident that we will have 2 babies come November. I wish I was more like that. Harmony takes more after me and has my nervous tummy. I would have liked her to be less like me in that way. I know I was like that as a kid but as a teen and young adult I was more like Brayden. Life was good, even when it sucked.
I had another u/s yesterday and everything was fine. Babies are exactly where they need to be in growth and no problems, the mini tear in my uterus has healed so all around good news. I cried all the way to the appt which is an hour away. I don’t even know why. Friday I got a “bad feeling” and tried to not let it bother me, but of course it did. Last week Tues and Wedn I felt so good about everything and I think that after being so comfy with everything, Friday hit me and I figured it would all be taken from me. It is so silly, it really is and logically I know this, however, it doesn’t stop the panic attacks. I don’t think that anyone could truly understand these feelings unless they have gone thru it. I know people can try and I appreciate then allowing me to freak every once and awhile. I am getting better and I hope that it will continue to get better with each good week.
What I can come up with is after everything I don’t feel “worthy” of these babies, it’s a completely different feeling than when I was pregnant with Harmony and Brayden. I felt happy to be pregnant with them, I felt lucky to have them but never didn’t feel “worthy”. I wish I could just figure out who to send the “thank you” card to and then move on, hahahaha. Of course we are worthy of these babies, of course we deserve these babies and I am hoping as time passes I will begin to feel that in my heart and the panic will stop. It isn’t anywhere near as bad as it was so that is good. I just sometimes feel like if I get too comfy with all this it will be taken away. I don’t know why I feel that way but I do. I suppose that is why they are not rational fears.
I lost a pound since the 1st time I saw Dr Kwak-Kim. Yippie, lol. That was many many months ago tho so that cant be where I started from but I will take the 1 pound either way. We wont mention that I have gained 20+ in the last 3 years of this baby making journey....... we will just go with the 1 pound loss. I know I have gained since my clothes dont fit but it was nice to not see a 10 pound gain when I stepped on the scale like I was imagining. My doc doesnt weigh me, they dont care about weight there so I went on the scale just to see while I was there for the double dose of IVIg yesterday. You get kinda bored when you are hooked up to an IV for 3.5 hours!
Got a doppler last night and of course I couldnt figure it out or find the babies HB's but i know they are there since i had just seen each of them on the u/s just hours before. Its prob too early right now and I didnt even freak out - can you believe that? Craziness I tell ya! I will be watching the video tonight and hopefully I will be able to find them. I did find 2 HB's but they were very low, like in the 80's and at the doc both of them were in high 180's. One was 182 and one 185 so what I was finding couldnt have been the babies.
Once I do find those HB's tho watch out cuz I will be trying to figure out a way to strap that sucker on my body so I can hear them all day/night! Im sure you all wouldnt be surprised if I did figure out how to do that :-)