Monday, February 22, 2010

Slow and Steady wins the race?

Got a call from the nurse, apparently they are trying to keep things as “normal” as they can over there for us in mid-ivf-cycle. She actually took all my injections and halved them. I guess they want the follies that I do have growing to not grow as fast. Most people are on injections for 10 days at least and I usually go much less than that. I think the 1st time I only took them for 7 days and my body was ready to give those mature follicles the heave-ho so I had to do the egg retrieval. The 2nd time around I think I injected or “stimmed” for 8 or 9 days so much more normal. Today is my 4th day of injections and they are already half the size they would want them to be to be considered “mature” so I guess that would be why they cut the meds in half. Whatever works as far as I'm concerned. I go back on Wednesday so if they are growing too slow or my estrogen level is too low then they will bump me up again anyway. They have me scheduled to come in for blood-work and ultrasound Wed, thurs, Friday and Saturday..... geesh, a lil overkill but whatever they want I suppose.
As the day goes on the more confused I am about what to do about all of this. I felt good with Dr Katayama, felt like more than a patient, felt safe and as if he was looking out for me and wanted the same things we did. Now, I am so afraid that he is gone. I feel like I lost my biggest cheerleader (even tho I didn't see him as much as I did the nurses) I knew that he was there overseeing my chart and making sound decisions in my best interest. I don’t know this new doctor, I don’t know his bedside manner, I don’t even know if he is covered in my insurance plan. I do know that the only time I would actually see him would be the day of my egg retrieval so honestly, is it that big of a deal that he would do it instead of Dr Katayama? The embryologist will do everything after that and then the new doc would do the transfer. As long as he and I are on the same page as far as how many to put back in then I guess it really doesn't matter, right? I just don’t know. I'm sad and confused. Thinking about it makes me teary for a lot of different reasons (partly cuz of the hormones I’m on) but other parts cuz I feel like we lost someone who was really good at what he did, someone who was passionate about what he did. He just had this way about him that made you feel like he knew what was going on.
Pictures are all over the office of babies that he made happen, pictures of him with all the couples that he helped build a family that otherwise may not have happened and looking at his lil face you could tell he was so happy to have done that. Not cuz his "numbers" went up, not cuz he was playing God, not that he would make money cuz of it, more of a smile of a person who was proud, excited and just plain happy to have given people a family. I feel sad for the people he left behind.
I feel like I need to remind myself that this new doc was a friend to Dr Katayama and I should trust that he is going to help me just like Dr Katayama would.
I am so sick of saying or hearing "everything happens for a reason", or "this is the way it was meant to be" or trying to figure out why this stuff is happening - why so many snags along the way. Why this has to be so difficult, as if the whole IVF thing isnt difficult enuf but to add extra stress is no fun and not fair, but I suppose what is fair in life - obviously his family is feeling that same not fair feeling 100x worse than i am right now.

I have choices here - i can stop this cycle and then go and start from scratch and that makes me feel lightheaded and sick to my stomach. The process is so hard but to go thru it yet again, just is too much for me to wrap my head around right now so I wont be doing that just yet. I will give it a few days to see how I feel. Yes, I am in the middle of a very expensive cycle, yes, I should sit down and pound out another plan but I just cant do that right now. I need a few days to chew on this and then start making calls or whatever it is that I need to do.
I can say that I am handling the snags better than I have ever in the past and for that I am grateful among many other things I am grateful for that is.


Miss Megan said...

What a mess! I am so sorry this is happening. Just try to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you need to. You are in quite a difficult spot being mid cycle and all. You of course know all the FT ladies will stand behind you regardless of the decision you make. And we are sorry for your loss. Even the loss of a provider can be incredibly difficult, especially when they were the one responsible for retreiving your eggies, making your babies, and transferring them back in.
Good luck in whatever you decide, and please keep us updated!!
Ah, and my word verification for this post is drama. . .how appropriate. . .

Princess Chelsea said...

As now we have chosen to comnplete the cycle but waiting on talking with the new doctors.
Of course i will doing a lil googling of my own to see what type of office/doctors these are and what their sucess rates are, just to make sure they know what they are doing!
Drama, it seems to be with me no matter what and i think i have had quite enuf, lol!
I think i should buy a shirt that says "trying not to freak" and wear it EVERY day! :-)