7 days without TP!!

Well, of course I had toilet paper but REFUSED to put another roll on and decided that it would be a fun thing to wait and see if and when someone else put another roll on without having to be asked or told...... 7 days later there is a new roll on there.
I am convinced that it wouldnt be there except that I took the wet wipes (which is wht they were using instead of just getting a new roll) out so there was NOTHING to use. I happen to be in the shower when the girl had to pee. She infomred me that there we were out of wet wipes - Im not really sure why she told me about it. I am hoping she did it cuz i always ask them to let me know when things are gone, but i am leaning towards she wanted me to "fix" that problem.
I said "ok" and went on showering.
I told her that there was some kleenex she could use for this time, she then said "oh, well, i guess i will get some more TP". GREAT IDEA!!!! lol
My fault for always doing everything or everyone i spose but c'on, really 7 whole days?!?!?!

PS, if you were wondering, i would bring in TP every time i went to the potty so i was covered :)

a birthday dinner

Happy birthday grandma, aka GG. We went to dinner for her 80th birthday last night. great food, great place and great company - what could be better?
Arent they the cutest damn people u have ever seen?!?!? Too adorable, not only do they still speak to eachother after being married for over 50 years but they still kiss!

“Fat Tuesday”

Even tho I am not religious, I think that giving something up for a few weeks is a good thing. Sooooo the kids and I talked about it this morning and we are claiming today as “Fat Thursday” since we missed Fat Tuesday and we are gonna pig out tonight and start the lent thing 2moro.

THE PLAN:
The kids and I are gonna pick something to give up, not anything different than what other people do. Not so sure about Matt.
Brayden talked about candy so I guess that is ok even tho he doesn’t really eat a lot of candy. Harmony will need to give something up as well but she didn’t want tot talk about it this morning, other things to worry about I am sure.

I will be giving up “trying to conceive” and probably frozen custard.
I don’t smoke or drink and I have to pay money each time I swear around the kids so not much to give up. I will NOT be giving up fried foods since I only have those as a treat so thats not gonna happen.
I will work as hard if not harder to NOT think about getting pregnant and NOT feeling bad that I am not pregnant or about the babies that are not here with us. My hope is that by working hard at not thinking about it I will be less stressed and happier. We shall see how that goes tho. What is not going to go thru my mind is “maybe I will get pregnant when im not trying” ---- then I would still be trying in my head.

This is the very 1st month in amost a 2 year period that I am seriously not doing anything to get pregnant. I may even try not to get pregnant for a change, lol.
Even on the months where I was not under the care of the doc with IUI’s, IVF’s and injections I was taking a high dose of clomid on my own so there was never a time where I did nothing. I was never ok with “wasting” the month and not trying. This is gonna be hard, but I can do it!

I love my family and they are the most important thing to me and they need to feel that from now on, my kids need to stop feeling sad for me that I don’t have a baby in my tummy. Brayden talks about it often and I soooo don’t want them to think that they are not “good enough” and I need to have more children. I just love them so much that I want more of them, I spose I am greedy that way.

Today is my grannys 80th birthday and I am looking forward to dinner out to celebrate. Yum, everyone likes Carini's so its deff nice not to have to listen to the kids complain about their meals or know that the money we spend will be wasted cuz they wont eat it. Matt wont be able to stay long since he has a rehersal, he will stay for a bit.

This weekend should be fun, I have the kids for the whole weekend - they are mine, mine all MINE!!!!! Trying to come up with something to do - maybe a board game and a movie.....or..... maybe it will be nice enough to go outside! Oh my!!!

The fridge shopping has come to a hault, I just dont care to do it. All the ones that I like are over a grand and I just dont want to spend that much. I think that if i cant find one that I like I will either wait and save up a few more hundred and get one that I like OR go shopping for something else I want and then complain about the frigde. Ha ha ha. No, Im sure that I will just save up and get one that I actaully like, otherwise why get something? Why pick out something that isnt all that much better than what I already have and drop some serious cash on that?

Pluggin along......

Have no idea what cycle day I am on or when I may ovulate and it feels good to not be counting or worrying about when we have to "do the dirty". Still dont like the fact that we are not doing anything to get to our goal but gotta move past that for now.
I have made an appt with the doc and nurse who handles all of the donor and adoption stuff at the clinic for sometime next week. We will have all our questions answered. There are some places taht dont even allow you to start the process until you are married for 3 years so it would be another year before we could do that. There are no waiting periods for the egg donor cycles, of course those are 25K, lol. Figures.
I have some info at home along with a DVD to watch on the embryo adoption but havnt watched it yet. Doesnt really interest me at this moment. I dont have the drive that I had last year to know more and read more and get things done. I dont know if its depression or if i just am tiered of doing this.

We are buying a new fridge and I am happy and excited abotu it, however, I am not caring to put the time into looking for one, which is strange to me. Usually i would love to be out at the stores looking around. Im sure it will pass tho. The fridges arent going anywhere so Im in no hurry.

This week is busy for all of us - Matt is working all day at school and thne all night at Potowotomi for Mardi Gras stuff so i am left to work all day and then all the kids stuff at night. I would much rather drive back and forth from Basketball and do homework then walk around a smokey casino tho.

Looking forward to my grandma's 80th birthday celebration on thursday but havnt even gone to get her a gift - totally not like me - normally I would have had the gift 3 months ago ready to wrap and give. Not quite sure when i will be going to get a gift or what it will be since the dinner is 2moro....... what do you get an 80yr old lady anyway? When I am 80 i want everyone to buy me fried cheese and then sit around telling stories about how pretty I still look. :0)

Kids are entering into a contest type of thing for their instruments, Harmony doesnt want to do it but Brayden is all for it. He has the entertaining gene, he loves to be "on stage" and have people watching him! Harmony is more like me and would be fine never being "watched" ever. I told her to give it a try and if she hated it then she wouldnt have to do it again, its not gonna kill her to try it once.
Matt will make it worth their time I'm sure.

Got my hair done over the weekend and now i need a tan to match the hair, looks very summery so now i will go to the tanning bed a few times to not look so pasty - ha, ha, ha.

Venting session

Let me just share another thing that I totally hate when people say to me about all this - “oh, your still young, you have time”.... or “oh, I just read about someone in their 40's giving birth” as if that is gonna make me feel better. Maybe I should go over the real statistics like it is VERY unlikely to have a child in your 40's and how your eggs get crappy come 35 and the risks to you and the baby that are involved when you are pregnant after 35, etc..... gosh, I HATE when people talk like they know what is going on and how it applies to me.
Just cuz a handful of ladies had children in their 40's doesnt mean its gonna happen to every 40 year old or even that I WANT to be pregnant in my 40's, geeze, my grandma was in her 40's when I was born for crying out loud!!!
I assume that most people are trying to help and give encouraging words but sometimes it gets to me.
I also don’t like to hear how I should “pray” and then wait for my answer...... such crap. I would never tell someone that believes in the power of prayer that if they would just stop praying and wait for the answer if they are going thru a rough patch. I don’t understand why people think its ok to push their beliefs on people? I would never tell someone not to pray, why would someone tell me that I HAVE to pray? I don’t get it.
Im assuming that they are offering help that has worked for them and appreciate that, I just don’t like when I thank them for their advise and move on and they continue to push the issue. Its great to offer help and then let it go, either I take it or I don’t but you shouldn’t force your beliefs on anyone, esp when they are going thru a rough patch. I do, however, appreciate when people say that they will pray for me - that is a kind gesture and sometimes when there is nothing else you can do for someone I understand that praying makes people feel like they are helping and that is wonderful of them to want to do that for me. That warms my heart :)


Ok, now that my rant is over, I can write.....
My period showed up today and even tho you would think that would be hard, I already knew that I wasn’t pregnant so I had a few days to “prepare” for it. All the tears I had were all used up already and so 2day it was fine - now I can move forward with my new, non injection life. lol
I have packed up all my ovulation and pregnancy tests along with all my left-over meds and needles, etc. Joined the Y and the kids and I are going to be going more often now since I don’t have to wonder if I could hurt something (fertility wise) if I work out a certain way.
Getting my hair done this weekend and just gonna try to get back to being me. Also will start planning things like trips or things that I want to do or places I want to go - I haven’t really done that for the last year or so cuz I would always think “what if I am pregnant and cant go”..... no more (hopefully).
I have said it before but this is the 1st time that I have been able to put the baby thing out of my mind. I don’t know how long I will be able to not obsess about getting pregnant but for now I feel peace. Im still very sad about it all but trying to be ok with not going with injections right now. Still something that I very much want and will try to have but for now I have to worry about me and going another route to get what we want.
I think the embryo adoption may just be the way to go, however, I know that Matt wants a biological child to “carry on the name” or whatever goes thru a mans head, not real sure how those work but I know that is important to him. Once we talked about it long long ago and I forget how it went but the way he put it made sense. I know that if I didn’t have kids and I married someone with children I would love them but I definitely would want to move mountains to have a child of my own so I can understand. I know that he loves the kids and that having a child of his “own” doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love the kids very, very much.
With a difference of 20 grand I think that we may just have to go with the embryo adoption first, its just so hard to decide to go and take a loan out for $25,000.00 for something that is not guaranteed. Just too hard right now.

I will be making an appt to see the person over at the docs office that handles the embryo adoption as well as the egg donor program to see what both are all about and what the breakdown of expenses are. That way matt and i can sit down and make a choice 2-gether.

Its over.....

Its done and over now - no pregnancy again. I dont understand why this isnt happening - its so ridiculous that we could be going thru this over and over for so long and still have no answers and no baby. I just dont get it.
I go for my pregnancy test at the doctor 2moro and i will prob try to skip it. I already know - i know my body and i have tested with some mega sensitive tests that are the biggest fattest flippin negative you have ever seen. Not even a shadow of a 2nd line thats for sure.
Yesterday was the hardest day i think, one would think that this would get "easier" or i would be "used to seeing the negatives" but I'm not. I will never get used to it or have it get easier, i dont know how to. If i am gonna do something i am gonna have to believe that it will happen or really what is the point of doing it? Matt has a diff way of looking at it but I'm sure that he hurts just like i do.

I cannot go thru the injections and cycles again, just cant do it. I need my life back - I need my body back and I need to stop living my life for this.

A friend offered a good suggestion, embryo adoption. Which is a helluva lot cheaper than going with the donor eggs, a difference of about 20 grand.
When i get the energy or the want, i will look more into that. Maybe even talk to the doc about it - not sure if they handle that but its worth a shot, lol, no pun intended.
That way I dont need to do any injections - just will have someone elses embryo put into my uterus in hopes it will implant. I will insist on at least 3 of them going in.

Here is when i get afraid....

This is the part of the cycle when i start to freak..... Thursday is my pregnancy test and i am sooooooooooo afraid that it will be just another negative cycle.
I try to stay positive but really, after all the months that it hasn't worked or worked and then turned out in a loss, its hard to stay positive.
I am only a few days away from knowing if this cycle took - if not then we have some huge choices to make.
I know i cant continue going this route, i assume at this point i have done all i can with what i have and its time to go to the donor eggs. Makes me very sad to think that at my age i cant have another baby and i cant give my husband a child.
The donor egg cycle without a "shared risk" (where you get 4 cycles and get 80% of your money back if no live birth) are 25K, and the shared risk ones are obviously much higher.
How can we take out a loan for something like this? what if it didnt work and then each and every month while paying the bill i am reminded AGAIN that i failed.
I logically know that i haven't "failed" but still feels just like that - i want something very badly and want to give something to my husband that he very much wants and very much deserves and cant.
Adoption is harder than you would think, given all the babies out there that need loving homes. And is looking like it cant be an option for us unless we can find some baby on our doorstep that has left his parents legally.

Rambling again but i really tend to get out of control around now..... I'm not good with not being in control and trying and doing everything right and still not getting it right.
Totally scary for me........

Bray's ER visit

Yesterday i got to work and as soon as i sat down to "work" i got a call from the school that Brayden had fallen over a basketball and had a gash above his eye that wouldnt stop bleeding so i let here and went to pick him up.
Obviously, he looked WAY better than what i had pictured in my head..... it was pretty deep but it was very short. Not that bad, but hurt something fierce i bet!
Anyway, spent like 2 hours at the ER before being seen, thank goodness the kids wasnt really hurt.
By the time we were seen the thing had somewhat stopped bleeding and started to close itself so he didnt need any stitches which he was THRILLED about! I dont know how many times i said "i dont know if they are gonna stitch you but if i had to guess i would say no"..... said that at least 20 times. He was nervous, understandable thats for sure!
They put these lil tape things on in a cris-cross thing and we were on our way to starbucks for a treat.
After picking up the double chocolate frapachino for him i tunred the corner and he didnt have a good grip so the damn thing dumped all over him and the car. Of course i didnt have ANY napkins in the car so he had to sit in it until we got home, gross but took his mind off the eye thing.

So, that means it is 1 day closer to testing...... its sad but thats how i think - wake up every morning knowing i am 1 day closer to testing. Scary and exciting all at the same time.
Pregnancy symptoms are gone, i assume that trigger shot is completely out of my system right and hoping to have it come back in a few days.
Took a pregnancy test yesterday knowing it would be positive cuz of the trigger shot but kinda wanted to see the ++++ test (sick, i know...) but also gonna take one 2moro to see the negative so that i know that when i test for real if i get a + its a real one!!!

2WW hell!!!

Feeling pretty crummy 2day, physically and emotionally. Just drained I spose, don’t really know exactly what it is. I still have all the pregnnacy symptoms from the trigger shot and as they go away I feel sad, as much as I hate feeling like that and not being pregnant, I am reminded as they go away that this may not happen, again.

I am still feeling sore and full in my lower abdomen as well as having a ridiculous sense of smell. Sitting at the dinner table last night I was overwhelmed with stinky feet smell, even so much that I pulled mine up to smell them at that table. They were Braydens feet and no one else could smell them.

Also still very bloated and watching for OHSS, basically over-hyper stimulation. Gaining weight fast and really bloated are 2 big signs. Since I had so many follies I have to be careful of it. Been drinking lots of water and gatoraid “type” beverages to keep that at bay.
I will be going in on Friday to have my progesterone checked. I know its pretty high right now from those symptoms but I will start taking the progesterone supplements 2nite so in 2 days it should be really high!

Today I am 4dpiui (days past iui) and counting....... feels like 4ever til I can test..... I’m not even half way thru this hell yet!

IUI

IUI on saturday went as planned. We had 80 million great sperm to inject and i should have had at least 7 mature follies, maybe more.
I took it easy on saturday and I was cramping soooo bad on saturday all day and night. I thought maybe it was from the IUI but since it lasted so long i am assuming that it was the ovulation of all those lil eggies. Thats good, since that way the sperm would have been waiting on them :)

2 L-O-N-G weeks til we will know if this worked...... i feel good abotu it but i normally feel optimistic right about now during a cycle. Hope this feeling stays!!!!

Trigger shot.... and pregnancy feelings...

So got the trigger shot last night at 10pm - IUI is scheduled for 10am sharp on Saturday! I am fearful to say that I am actually feeling pretty good about this cycle since I feel that way each cycle and then feel like a total ASS when it turns out that I am not pregnant, again. It’s a risk I gotta take I spose.
Im gonna say it..... here goes.....I am feeling very confident about this cycle! I have more mature follicles (as far as we can tell) than I did with the 1st IVF cycle and I feel like crap. I have talked to a lot of ladies with OHSS (over-hyper stimulation syndrom) that ended up preggo so maybe thats why I feel so shitty.
My estrogen level was at 1182 and normal is way under that - cue the tears from being overly emotional. And since the trigger shot I feel pregnant which is normal since they are injecting 10,000iu of the pregnancy hormone into my body to force ovulation. I will be in lots of pain from ovulating so many follies but its the weekend so I will just rest and relax and all will be fine.
The 2 week wait, or so its called in the fertility world, is fastly approaching.... that is ALWAYS the longest 2 weeks of my life. I will know in 2 weeks wether or not this took!
Doc is funny and when we were measuring the follicles at the last appt he said, "there are a lot in there" and I said "GOOD, the more the better" and he says "lets hope we arent saying that in 4 weeks when we do your 1st pregnancy ultrasound".... what a funny guy! :)

Yet another doc appt!

I have gone to have blood work and ultrasounds for the past 3 days in a row to check on those follies....
They are doing well and growing the way they should so that is very good.
Not feeling all that great today, kinda foggy mind - headache, sleepy (slept for crap the last 2 nights, maybe nerves) crampy and a bit nauseous. Prob all the meds so i should be back to my normal self in about a week

Today the follies are about 1.5mm bigger than they were yesterday, which was already anticipated so no big surprise.

I have asked for them to check my progesterone level cuz I am pretty crampy and I am fearful that my body is tyring to ovulate on its own since i have 10 follies in there ready to POP! I have lots of the ovulation "symptoms" that no one seems to know until you are wanting to get pregnant.

The grand-plan at this point is to take the trigger (inter-muscular mega, super long and thick shot) tonight around 9ish and then go in for the insemination on Saturday morning about 9ish BUT if my progesterone level is showing ovulation then I will take the trigger shot as soon as possible and go in for the insemination Friday morning.
Just waiting on the bloodwork to come back now, should be here by 1 or 2.

Last night Matt hit something again, I knew right away cuz I felt the shot and that is pretty rare, i woke up wiht another bruise but NOTHING like that other one!!
My stomach sure has takin a beating but nothing it hasnt felt b4, but hopefully wont feel again! :)

Doctor Appt

Right ovary follicle sizes in mm
10.2
11.6
11.1
14.4
17.9

Left ovary follicle size in mm
12.5
13.5
18.2
15.3
16.5

Lining is 10.5 (good, thick and ready for implantation)
Each follie should grow 1-2mm a day and they need to be 17 or bigger to be considered “mature enough to fertilize” but he said that some 14's have been know to contain mature eggs.
Hopefully i will have 7 or more that are mature when we do the IUI.

I will be doing one more night of injections and then triggering 2moro night for an IUI on Saturday early in the morning.

He wanted me to trigger 2nite but said if we were gonna be aggressive then waiting another day was the way to go.
He said “just want to make sure you are ready for your triplets” and then talked again about selective reduction if necessary. Im not freaked out by this (famous last words, right?)
I am perfectly fine with the “risk” and know the odds are against me when it comes to multiples so whatever.

A shout out for fertilityties.com!

Oh my! I cant imagine what I would do without that site. Its very strange to me that I would be this attached to anything. I go there every day, several times a day and talk to ladies who know and understand exactly what I feel during the trying to get pregnant, the miscarriages and the fertility treatments. Its strange to me that I can root on these ladies that I have never met and care about them and their families so much. If you're going through similar situations check out fertilityties.com

Everyone there is sooooo supportive and so kind. I have learned more than I ever care to know about fertility and there is a real doctor there to answer questions, even the dumb ones that we are all afraid to ask. He never makes us feel bad and always answers in a very timely manner. I was so skeptical about him being a “real doctor” since he is giving his time for free and spends a lot of time making us all feel like he cares. He could charge so much for what he gives us for free- you can check his clinic website at carefertility.net


Never in a million years would I have guessed I would be where i am in my life and I know that I wouldnt be sane without this webiste (well, as sane as I am anyway).
I wish they knew exactly how much they help and what they mean to all of us on there!
Ok, I'm blabbin on and on now but I just cant say enough about the place. If Veronica or Dr Q ever read this, know you are doing a wonderful thing for us crazy TTC'ers!!!!


When dealing with TTC if you can't find me at my blog, you can find me at fertilityties.com!!!

REPORT CARD DAY!!!

Harmony got hers last week and she made honor roll, or is it honor role? obiously i was not on that, again (both quarters). Nice work!!
Brayden will get his 2day and he is so nervous he made himself sick this morning. Asking not to go to school but then I explained that we will still get the Report Card even if he never goes to school again.
Poor guy, he has been struggling. He will have his IEP this quarter so hopefully having some adjustments to the work load and some help outside the classroom will help with all of this.
The meds deff helped last year with focus but he was ticking all day long and with knowing how mean kids can be ticking would deff make him the outcast.
Ticking is better - I really can tell a difference when he is calm and not playing a ton of video games that he doesnt tic as much. He sees a wonderful therapist every 2 weeks that helps him to deal with them and gives him tips on what to do to try to help the ticking. Slowly but surely we will figure all this out.
He is doing well in basketball and going to the batting cages a few times a month to prepare for baseball season. He is also doing push-ups each night to build up some muscles!
Hopefully he wont be too down about the report card, not really looking forward to hearing the sadness and the "i am a loser" stuff tonight...... ugggg.

Looks like Matt musta hit something!

This is a bruise from my injections, normally its not like this at all, usually its a lil bruise or nothing at all. I dont even feel the injections anymore. Last night Matt went to give me my injection and freaked about it. WTH is that????? he says, lol. I didnt even know it was there til he pointed it out.
Ahhhh, the joys of fertility injections..... so worth it in the end I hope!