Friday, February 20, 2009

Venting session

Let me just share another thing that I totally hate when people say to me about all this - “oh, your still young, you have time”.... or “oh, I just read about someone in their 40's giving birth” as if that is gonna make me feel better. Maybe I should go over the real statistics like it is VERY unlikely to have a child in your 40's and how your eggs get crappy come 35 and the risks to you and the baby that are involved when you are pregnant after 35, etc..... gosh, I HATE when people talk like they know what is going on and how it applies to me.
Just cuz a handful of ladies had children in their 40's doesnt mean its gonna happen to every 40 year old or even that I WANT to be pregnant in my 40's, geeze, my grandma was in her 40's when I was born for crying out loud!!!
I assume that most people are trying to help and give encouraging words but sometimes it gets to me.
I also don’t like to hear how I should “pray” and then wait for my answer...... such crap. I would never tell someone that believes in the power of prayer that if they would just stop praying and wait for the answer if they are going thru a rough patch. I don’t understand why people think its ok to push their beliefs on people? I would never tell someone not to pray, why would someone tell me that I HAVE to pray? I don’t get it.
Im assuming that they are offering help that has worked for them and appreciate that, I just don’t like when I thank them for their advise and move on and they continue to push the issue. Its great to offer help and then let it go, either I take it or I don’t but you shouldn’t force your beliefs on anyone, esp when they are going thru a rough patch. I do, however, appreciate when people say that they will pray for me - that is a kind gesture and sometimes when there is nothing else you can do for someone I understand that praying makes people feel like they are helping and that is wonderful of them to want to do that for me. That warms my heart :)

Ok, now that my rant is over, I can write.....
My period showed up today and even tho you would think that would be hard, I already knew that I wasn’t pregnant so I had a few days to “prepare” for it. All the tears I had were all used up already and so 2day it was fine - now I can move forward with my new, non injection life. lol
I have packed up all my ovulation and pregnancy tests along with all my left-over meds and needles, etc. Joined the Y and the kids and I are going to be going more often now since I don’t have to wonder if I could hurt something (fertility wise) if I work out a certain way.
Getting my hair done this weekend and just gonna try to get back to being me. Also will start planning things like trips or things that I want to do or places I want to go - I haven’t really done that for the last year or so cuz I would always think “what if I am pregnant and cant go”..... no more (hopefully).
I have said it before but this is the 1st time that I have been able to put the baby thing out of my mind. I don’t know how long I will be able to not obsess about getting pregnant but for now I feel peace. Im still very sad about it all but trying to be ok with not going with injections right now. Still something that I very much want and will try to have but for now I have to worry about me and going another route to get what we want.
I think the embryo adoption may just be the way to go, however, I know that Matt wants a biological child to “carry on the name” or whatever goes thru a mans head, not real sure how those work but I know that is important to him. Once we talked about it long long ago and I forget how it went but the way he put it made sense. I know that if I didn’t have kids and I married someone with children I would love them but I definitely would want to move mountains to have a child of my own so I can understand. I know that he loves the kids and that having a child of his “own” doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love the kids very, very much.
With a difference of 20 grand I think that we may just have to go with the embryo adoption first, its just so hard to decide to go and take a loan out for $25,000.00 for something that is not guaranteed. Just too hard right now.

I will be making an appt to see the person over at the docs office that handles the embryo adoption as well as the egg donor program to see what both are all about and what the breakdown of expenses are. That way matt and i can sit down and make a choice 2-gether.

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