Monday, February 16, 2009

Here is when i get afraid....

This is the part of the cycle when i start to freak..... Thursday is my pregnancy test and i am sooooooooooo afraid that it will be just another negative cycle.
I try to stay positive but really, after all the months that it hasn't worked or worked and then turned out in a loss, its hard to stay positive.
I am only a few days away from knowing if this cycle took - if not then we have some huge choices to make.
I know i cant continue going this route, i assume at this point i have done all i can with what i have and its time to go to the donor eggs. Makes me very sad to think that at my age i cant have another baby and i cant give my husband a child.
The donor egg cycle without a "shared risk" (where you get 4 cycles and get 80% of your money back if no live birth) are 25K, and the shared risk ones are obviously much higher.
How can we take out a loan for something like this? what if it didnt work and then each and every month while paying the bill i am reminded AGAIN that i failed.
I logically know that i haven't "failed" but still feels just like that - i want something very badly and want to give something to my husband that he very much wants and very much deserves and cant.
Adoption is harder than you would think, given all the babies out there that need loving homes. And is looking like it cant be an option for us unless we can find some baby on our doorstep that has left his parents legally.

Rambling again but i really tend to get out of control around now..... I'm not good with not being in control and trying and doing everything right and still not getting it right.
Totally scary for me........

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