Numbers are looking good, they went from 5790 to 14,751 in 4 days which is good enuf for me and for the doc! My progesterone is thru the frickin roof tho, its coming in anywhere from 160-180 and “normal and adequate” is anywhere from like 20-40 or something. Its crazy that I am even able to wear pants or stay awake long enuf to put pants on! Talked to the doc and said that I could take 2 more shots and then discontinue them. So I will take one wed night and one Friday night then done. Now, to be perfectly honest I don’t hate the shots. They hurt and I have bruises and lumps and bumps all over my backside but I feel afraid to stop. I am kinda afraid to lose the “symptoms” that it gives me, for fear that I wont have any at all! I don’t care much for the prometrome (sp, wrong but its progesterone just like the injections) pills that I take, they make me groggy and would rather have stopped those instead of the shots but I will do what they say!
I will still take 2 injections/day but those are in the belly and I have lumps, bumps and bruises on that side too!
I made the appt for another u/s on Thursday. I could have made it for Wednesday but I fear that would be too soon to see a beating heart (or 2) and then I would freak so I guess I am learning some patience with this whole process. Better to wait I am thinking. Hopefully I will be rewarded for that patience!
BTW, we saw TWO sacs at the last u/s. Both gestational sacs had yolk sacs in them which is a good thing and all you can expect to see at the week mark I was last week. The gestational sac on Baby "A" was way bigger than Baby "B" but the yolk sacs were pretty close in "age" so the doc didnt seem concerned since they could have implanted a day/two apart and hopfully baby "B" will catch up and do just fine.
I was so excited to see that - I would LOVE to have twins. Two for the price of one in this situation. I love that my kids are close together in age, I still watch them hang out and kid around with each other and love that. I didnt have any siblings and always wanted someone to talk to or play with or hang out with and was so happy to be able to give that to my children. Obv Harmony and Bray would hold a diff role with a child born into their lives at this point. They wont be playing togethter or sharing problems or growing 2gether. Thats why I would love to have double trouble - so this child doesnt have to be an "only child". But of course i would be thrilled to see one beating heart as well!!!
Of course I know that we could go in at the end of the week and see no heartbeat on either or just on one and I would be thrilled to see a beating heart but trying not to get too wrapped up in the twin thing since I know so much can change, plus my numbers (or lack of m/s) really dont indicate twins at all. It sure is hard tho.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The plan of attack is as follows:
My numbers have been wacky for a few days, guess thats what you get for testing them every other day!
I will be going in for a double dose of the IVIg treatment cuz even tho my NKC are in the “normal” range, they are way more aggressive than they should be. Those lil bastards wont let me be, I swear, geesh. They were at 61%, then after treatment went to 47% then to 34% and they want them lower than 12% so hopefully this double dose will do it. I am also now taking 4x/day 10mg of prednisone instead of just 2x/day. I just am gonna be extremely sore and exhausted from it. It makes you feel like you worked out, just without the “pump” feeling afterwards. Just makes my body feel lazy and like I worked out too hard, kinda fatigued. Nothing serious, nothing I cant handle but I can assume with the double dose it will feel moreso. Thats ok, I’ll make it. Wouldnt you know it tho, Saturday, bright and early, I signed Harmony and I up to volunteer to help set up for the Autism Ball and then Bray has baseball practice. Im sure we will be fine :-)
Now, onto something that has nothing to do with fertility. I am so pissed. We got a letter from the school that Brayden is in SEVERE threat of being held back due to reading and math. Ummmmm, yeah, no shit, thats why I asked them to evaluate him last year when he was struggling. They did that and said all was fine, THEN miraculously he was on the Honor Roll, just months after them telling me that he was close to failing. Interesting that now he is failing again - his work has not changed, they just didnt want to have to pay for him to have the IEP. That is what my thought is anyway. Seems a lil too convenient that he is failing, then after I request an IEP then he is “great” and on the honor roll, now he has a reading level of 4th grade. He is a 6th grader. So all of a sudden, over the summer he got stupid where last year he was on the honor roll? Whatever, stupid. And MPS doesnt want student to be held back so its not like they wouldnt push him thru if they could, if he was in a normal district he would have already been held back years ago.
He is the youngest in his class, he is always struggling so a few months ago matt and I thought maybe it may be best for everyone if we chose to hold him back and put him in another district to “start fresh”. No one would know he was held back since no one would know him, he wouldnt need to feel the embarrassment of being held back but you woulda thought matt and I had offered to put him back into K4 for crying out loud. His dad and the therapist went wack-o out of their minds and now brayden is not wanting to do it.
Im pissed for a lot of reasons but mostly cuz I see that I put him in school too early. He needed the structure and I needed to get a full time job and couldn’t afford day-care as a single mom so full time kindergarten was the way to go. He tested in just fine but seems like each year he would fall just a lil more behind. If he got a fresh start I just feel like he may feel “smart” for once instead of always feeling out of place - maturity and he is smaller than everyone else.
Ugh, venting session on that over. Now I have to go and make an appt with the therapist so we can talk about this more.
I will be going in for a double dose of the IVIg treatment cuz even tho my NKC are in the “normal” range, they are way more aggressive than they should be. Those lil bastards wont let me be, I swear, geesh. They were at 61%, then after treatment went to 47% then to 34% and they want them lower than 12% so hopefully this double dose will do it. I am also now taking 4x/day 10mg of prednisone instead of just 2x/day. I just am gonna be extremely sore and exhausted from it. It makes you feel like you worked out, just without the “pump” feeling afterwards. Just makes my body feel lazy and like I worked out too hard, kinda fatigued. Nothing serious, nothing I cant handle but I can assume with the double dose it will feel moreso. Thats ok, I’ll make it. Wouldnt you know it tho, Saturday, bright and early, I signed Harmony and I up to volunteer to help set up for the Autism Ball and then Bray has baseball practice. Im sure we will be fine :-)
Now, onto something that has nothing to do with fertility. I am so pissed. We got a letter from the school that Brayden is in SEVERE threat of being held back due to reading and math. Ummmmm, yeah, no shit, thats why I asked them to evaluate him last year when he was struggling. They did that and said all was fine, THEN miraculously he was on the Honor Roll, just months after them telling me that he was close to failing. Interesting that now he is failing again - his work has not changed, they just didnt want to have to pay for him to have the IEP. That is what my thought is anyway. Seems a lil too convenient that he is failing, then after I request an IEP then he is “great” and on the honor roll, now he has a reading level of 4th grade. He is a 6th grader. So all of a sudden, over the summer he got stupid where last year he was on the honor roll? Whatever, stupid. And MPS doesnt want student to be held back so its not like they wouldnt push him thru if they could, if he was in a normal district he would have already been held back years ago.
He is the youngest in his class, he is always struggling so a few months ago matt and I thought maybe it may be best for everyone if we chose to hold him back and put him in another district to “start fresh”. No one would know he was held back since no one would know him, he wouldnt need to feel the embarrassment of being held back but you woulda thought matt and I had offered to put him back into K4 for crying out loud. His dad and the therapist went wack-o out of their minds and now brayden is not wanting to do it.
Im pissed for a lot of reasons but mostly cuz I see that I put him in school too early. He needed the structure and I needed to get a full time job and couldn’t afford day-care as a single mom so full time kindergarten was the way to go. He tested in just fine but seems like each year he would fall just a lil more behind. If he got a fresh start I just feel like he may feel “smart” for once instead of always feeling out of place - maturity and he is smaller than everyone else.
Ugh, venting session on that over. Now I have to go and make an appt with the therapist so we can talk about this more.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
This is what I get for being somewhat relieved/excited
They found a baby and yolk sac so that is all they were looking for at this point. I am in my 5th week still.
I have pictures and looks like 2 or 3 black holes but only one had a white yolk sac in there so she said either the others are blood (and I may start to spot, great) or they were babies that didnt progress that my body will reabsorb.
I was secretly (or not really even secretly) hoping for twins since I love the my kids have each other and are close in age but I am more than thrilled with the outcome of todays u/s.
And then the blood work comes - cant catch a frickin break with this bullshit.
Monday 2142 - great increase, I think it was like 94%
Today 3362 - shitty increase, not even “adequate” so I have a call into the specialist to see what they want me to do.
They did not drop so that is a good thing. I just don’t feel like I can ever feel good or comfy about any of this because then I am quickly reminded about how it can and prob will be taken from me.
*sigh* pitty party for me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The nurse felt pitty for me and called super early with my numbers for friday, bless her heart.
They went up to 798 which is a 74% increase, again good. I was hoping for more but this is still a good rise according to everything i can find on line, lol. Naw, the nurse said it was fine too but they wished they were higher too. So her and I are on the same overacheiver page for this pregnnacy. Good to know.
Even with the rise, I talked to the nurse in Illinois and after talking to Matt he and i decided we would feel more comfy doing another IVIg treatment friday instead of waiting for my numbers on Monday or Tuesday. My natural killer cells (just in the uterus) started at 41% and then were like 32% and they like to see them under 12. Our thoughts were why wait, its not like we are gonna win the lottery between Friday and Monday so we felt it was best to do another treatment on Friday. The nurse finally got a hold of the doc at around 1 and said that she agreed with what matt and i had thought so to get in the car and come out. I was there by 2:10. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding boss who happens to be in the sunny state of Arizona so the sunshine probably helped him not to be annoyed with me leaving yet again this week.
Anyway, went out there, got the treatment and came home. No reaction at all so the problem the other day was just where they had placed it. I will not be having it put into the arm/elbo anymore. Just the hands.
They also did a bloodflow u/s and she said it was PERFECT, i like perfect, i like it a lot.
Today i sit and wait again for test results...... seems to be my life at this point but i am ok with that. Means that i am pregnant right now and i am thankful for that.
I talked to my therapist this weekend about a lot of the feelings that i have and liking to be in control and feeling lost a lot in life now and wondering why i cant just be happy and think its gonna be alright.
I kept saying to her "i'd love to be wrong and be holding a baby in my arms in november but i cant shake it" and then we came up with the fact that i dont like to look stupid, in any situation and to me being wrong is stupid, esp if i continue to feel and tell everyone that everything is fine and then its not.
But coming back to wanting to be wrong in this particular situation and why wouldnt i feel "stupid" then? Why do i want to be wrong then? Figured out that if i am "wrong" about not miscarrying then i win and the feeling of happiness takes over being "wrong". I get to have the baby but if i continue to say everything is gonna be alright and then its not then I have the pain of losing the pregnancy as well as feeling like an ass for believing it could actually happen for us.
I'm working on changing that since I'd like to be different, I'd like to feel like we are deserving and that it will happen for us.
They went up to 798 which is a 74% increase, again good. I was hoping for more but this is still a good rise according to everything i can find on line, lol. Naw, the nurse said it was fine too but they wished they were higher too. So her and I are on the same overacheiver page for this pregnnacy. Good to know.
Even with the rise, I talked to the nurse in Illinois and after talking to Matt he and i decided we would feel more comfy doing another IVIg treatment friday instead of waiting for my numbers on Monday or Tuesday. My natural killer cells (just in the uterus) started at 41% and then were like 32% and they like to see them under 12. Our thoughts were why wait, its not like we are gonna win the lottery between Friday and Monday so we felt it was best to do another treatment on Friday. The nurse finally got a hold of the doc at around 1 and said that she agreed with what matt and i had thought so to get in the car and come out. I was there by 2:10. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding boss who happens to be in the sunny state of Arizona so the sunshine probably helped him not to be annoyed with me leaving yet again this week.
Anyway, went out there, got the treatment and came home. No reaction at all so the problem the other day was just where they had placed it. I will not be having it put into the arm/elbo anymore. Just the hands.
They also did a bloodflow u/s and she said it was PERFECT, i like perfect, i like it a lot.
Today i sit and wait again for test results...... seems to be my life at this point but i am ok with that. Means that i am pregnant right now and i am thankful for that.
I talked to my therapist this weekend about a lot of the feelings that i have and liking to be in control and feeling lost a lot in life now and wondering why i cant just be happy and think its gonna be alright.
I kept saying to her "i'd love to be wrong and be holding a baby in my arms in november but i cant shake it" and then we came up with the fact that i dont like to look stupid, in any situation and to me being wrong is stupid, esp if i continue to feel and tell everyone that everything is fine and then its not.
But coming back to wanting to be wrong in this particular situation and why wouldnt i feel "stupid" then? Why do i want to be wrong then? Figured out that if i am "wrong" about not miscarrying then i win and the feeling of happiness takes over being "wrong". I get to have the baby but if i continue to say everything is gonna be alright and then its not then I have the pain of losing the pregnancy as well as feeling like an ass for believing it could actually happen for us.
I'm working on changing that since I'd like to be different, I'd like to feel like we are deserving and that it will happen for us.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Hmmmm...... interesting horoscope for today
Your Daily Horoscope: March 18, 2010
Virgo
Some ongoing events in your life seem to be coming to a climax today, Virgo. You should be seeing the results of your efforts in a given area or project soon. In fact, everything is so close to completion that it may be better to put your focus on the future instead of dealing with the anxiety of waiting for results. Count your blessings, review what has been learned, and start trying to figure out what's next and how to go about doing even better with it.
Not that I base my life or days on this but funny the way this is worded today - anxiety waiting on results..... maybe its time for me to go see my Tarot Card Lady to see whats in store :-)
Virgo
Some ongoing events in your life seem to be coming to a climax today, Virgo. You should be seeing the results of your efforts in a given area or project soon. In fact, everything is so close to completion that it may be better to put your focus on the future instead of dealing with the anxiety of waiting for results. Count your blessings, review what has been learned, and start trying to figure out what's next and how to go about doing even better with it.
Not that I base my life or days on this but funny the way this is worded today - anxiety waiting on results..... maybe its time for me to go see my Tarot Card Lady to see whats in store :-)
Day 2, no POAS and I think I'm ok.......
So today is day 2 of no testing at home which I think I may have licked it. I didn't even think about it today when I got up. Maybe the worst of that addiction is over, lol.
As far as the number game I am playing here with my pregnancy, I am a wreck. I go back and forth but I am trying to stay positive. I am a person who deals with the facts - I'm not a "dreamer" but sometimes I really wish I was. Like now for instance.
My first beta was 63.1
Second jumped to 282 (3 days but the 2 day increase was 170%)
Third one was 459.1 (2 days and only an increase of 64%).
Now, an increase of 64% is considered "adequate but low" so I should be happy and relieved however, I am fearful (what a surprise!). Any doc will tell you that a beta level will "double" in 48-72 hours so they consider a rise of 60% adequate (they like at 66% but will take 60%) so not bad news at all - i just really liked the feeling of being an overachiever, not having to worry. I liked that a lot. For 2 days I felt good, positive and hopeful. I even allowed myself to go back and look at the baby name document I have had here at work. it has been almost a year since I have opened that and read thru it.
I have read until my eyes bled about all this and there are a few possibilities:
1. Everything is fine.
2. I had a few embryos stick and 1 stopped progressing and all will be fine.
3. My pregnancy will not stick and beta numbers will drop and body will m/c.
4. Blighted Ovum (where the you end up with a baby but baby stops growing - like my 2nd IVF)
Obviously I would love #1 or #2 but with my history I continue to come back to #3 or #4.
I went back to the notes from my last IVF and something similar happened with my numbers during that time, most of them were great but always on the "low" side of ok.
It is very possible since I had 6 embryos put in that more than 1 "stuck" and now only the strong is surviving. My numbers are still within the "Normal" range for where I am in the pregnancy so I should just be happy with that. I'm trying and I know what I would tell someone else in this situation but I would only be telling them that to be nice. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I don't think I have always been like this but with everything that has happened in the last few years it sure is hard not to be. I would love to be different, but its just who I am. My life is good, I don't consider myself an unlucky person or plagued with terrible things, I am very fortunate and I know this. I just do have a black cloud following me in this particular situation. I am healthy, have a great hubby, better kids than I deserve and friends and family that would do anything in their power for me - I am not saying my life is not good cuz it is. I have always said that my life is always "even" like if something really great happens to me, then something else will come along and "even" it out. We get a work bonus, the breaks on the car go out - things like that. I am not unlucky or lucky, kinda just in the middle.
Its not like if I prepare for the worst its gonna feel any better if it happens so why not just have my head in the clouds and know that everything is gonna be all right? Wish I knew how and I have tried, I just cant.
So I take Valium to help. Over the last few years my panic attacks have gotten worse, WAY worse than what they were in the past. I have always been a lil high strung, however, these are not controllable like in the past. My heart will start to pump so hard and I get dizzy then my hands start to shake and I cant move. It will be triggered by something stupid like going to dinner with friends or family, doesn't have to be anything that would cause panic like this situation. Then I get mean and seclusive cuz I want everyone to leave me alone, partly cuz I am embarrassed about how ridiculous it all is and partly cuz I dont like anyone to see me not in control.
Therapy helps I suppose but sometimes when I am there I feel like I dont want to talk about the stuff even to her, so stupid since that is what she is there for. I feel like I dont want her to know that I am not in control. How goofy, lol.
As far as the number game I am playing here with my pregnancy, I am a wreck. I go back and forth but I am trying to stay positive. I am a person who deals with the facts - I'm not a "dreamer" but sometimes I really wish I was. Like now for instance.
My first beta was 63.1
Second jumped to 282 (3 days but the 2 day increase was 170%)
Third one was 459.1 (2 days and only an increase of 64%).
Now, an increase of 64% is considered "adequate but low" so I should be happy and relieved however, I am fearful (what a surprise!). Any doc will tell you that a beta level will "double" in 48-72 hours so they consider a rise of 60% adequate (they like at 66% but will take 60%) so not bad news at all - i just really liked the feeling of being an overachiever, not having to worry. I liked that a lot. For 2 days I felt good, positive and hopeful. I even allowed myself to go back and look at the baby name document I have had here at work. it has been almost a year since I have opened that and read thru it.
I have read until my eyes bled about all this and there are a few possibilities:
1. Everything is fine.
2. I had a few embryos stick and 1 stopped progressing and all will be fine.
3. My pregnancy will not stick and beta numbers will drop and body will m/c.
4. Blighted Ovum (where the you end up with a baby but baby stops growing - like my 2nd IVF)
Obviously I would love #1 or #2 but with my history I continue to come back to #3 or #4.
I went back to the notes from my last IVF and something similar happened with my numbers during that time, most of them were great but always on the "low" side of ok.
It is very possible since I had 6 embryos put in that more than 1 "stuck" and now only the strong is surviving. My numbers are still within the "Normal" range for where I am in the pregnancy so I should just be happy with that. I'm trying and I know what I would tell someone else in this situation but I would only be telling them that to be nice. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I don't think I have always been like this but with everything that has happened in the last few years it sure is hard not to be. I would love to be different, but its just who I am. My life is good, I don't consider myself an unlucky person or plagued with terrible things, I am very fortunate and I know this. I just do have a black cloud following me in this particular situation. I am healthy, have a great hubby, better kids than I deserve and friends and family that would do anything in their power for me - I am not saying my life is not good cuz it is. I have always said that my life is always "even" like if something really great happens to me, then something else will come along and "even" it out. We get a work bonus, the breaks on the car go out - things like that. I am not unlucky or lucky, kinda just in the middle.
Its not like if I prepare for the worst its gonna feel any better if it happens so why not just have my head in the clouds and know that everything is gonna be all right? Wish I knew how and I have tried, I just cant.
So I take Valium to help. Over the last few years my panic attacks have gotten worse, WAY worse than what they were in the past. I have always been a lil high strung, however, these are not controllable like in the past. My heart will start to pump so hard and I get dizzy then my hands start to shake and I cant move. It will be triggered by something stupid like going to dinner with friends or family, doesn't have to be anything that would cause panic like this situation. Then I get mean and seclusive cuz I want everyone to leave me alone, partly cuz I am embarrassed about how ridiculous it all is and partly cuz I dont like anyone to see me not in control.
Therapy helps I suppose but sometimes when I am there I feel like I dont want to talk about the stuff even to her, so stupid since that is what she is there for. I feel like I dont want her to know that I am not in control. How goofy, lol.
Monday, March 15, 2010
My name is Chelsea and I am addicted to POAS!
I'm officially out of pregnancy tests and I have said I am not buying anymore but I honestly do feel like a crack addict. I got down to taking them only 2x a day and that was good - I could go in and look at them and make sure the newest was darker than the last but now I am out and I would like to stop testing. Im just not sure I can. I have never been "addicted" to anything but this I am and I truly need a group or something. I was a smoker for a long time, quit no prob both pregnancies and then quit for good a few years back - again no prob. How can this be so hard - so weird that this would have a hold on me like a drug. I have a parent that is an addict so I have always been fascinated about how that affects me - if it does - and now I find out I am addicted to + pregnancy tests. Who woulda thunk? Hahahaha.
Seriously tho, those suckers are very pretty and i cant get enuf!
Soooo here we are........
Friday 3/12 63
Monday 3/15 282
Nurse and doc very happy with those numbers. They are on the "high" side of normal, just a lil higher than what they say is the highest. I like that, I like that its not too high so I dont freak about Molar Pregnancy - I like this lil overachiever that we got going on in there!
I will now go for IVIg 2moro and then another beta on Wednesday. I'm hoping to be able to get the insurance to pay now that we have a confirmed pregnancy but we shall see. I spent a lot of time on the phone 2day with them and had to just quit cuz it was getting stressful. My boss is gone this week so I can make calls without worrying that he is wondering what the hell I am talking about.
I am 4 weeks now (really 4w1d but I refuse to go there, lol) so I have another week and a half until I can get an ultrasound to see whats going on in there, if the
baby is growing correctly and such then another week I guess until the HB. I think they said about 6 or 6 1/2 weeks for that. Seems like a long time but good thing they are having me come back EVERY OTHER DAY for beta blood test to check my numbers. OMG - can you believe that? Craziness, I'm not sure if I like that or not. I like to be monitored but I thought I would pass out today waiting on that darn call from the nurse!
Friday, March 12, 2010
DRUM ROLL PLEASE......
ok, so results are in:
Beta: This is what the doc calls the pregnancy (HCG) test = 63.1
Progesterone = 74.
Both numbers the doc was happy with so that is good. She said they were a "lil high" so that makes me feel good. I looked up and where I am right now in my cycle and normal range is 5-50 - very nice and assuring. I likey!
Then a few hours later I get a call telling me that I need to add a few things to my "cocktail" of meds/vitamins. Okee Dokee then..... as if its not hard enuf to keep all these pills straight already :-)
I think this is normal protocol with a BFP so I'm not worried - I didnt get a chance to ask but I think in one of our meetings with the doc (specialist in Illinois) I remember her saying that she would add some things when i got a positive beta. Anyhoo - now I take all the vitamins and meds i did b4 and adding in petrolium (i think thats what its called) its a progesterone pill and I need to take it twice a day and then also need to take 1 prednasone (steroid) pill twice a day instead of taking it only once a day.
I was also told I need to do another treatment of the IVIg on Monday - and because I have been in this place so many times (being preg then baby not progressing) I asked if it would be ok to wait until Tuesday to do it, AFTER I get the second set of test results. Just to make sure we dont toss in the garbage $2,100.00. I hate that I have to think that way, I hate that I cant just know that its gonna work out but I do have to accept that my history puts me at more of a risk that someone else so I need to accept that and move on. I am thrilled right now, right now to be pregnant at this moment and to have gotten over the 1st hurdle. Today is a good day!
lets see.... that puts me at 11 pills/vitamins, 2 blood thinner sub-q injections and 1 inter-muscular progesterone shot every day. I'm thinking Ive got to lose some weight with all this stuff - I mean c'on, where am I gonna fit food after all that?!?!?! LOL.
I am sore and bruised in the front and in the back, having some hard lumps from both of the injections as well but a-ok with all of it!
Beta: This is what the doc calls the pregnancy (HCG) test = 63.1
Progesterone = 74.
Both numbers the doc was happy with so that is good. She said they were a "lil high" so that makes me feel good. I looked up and where I am right now in my cycle and normal range is 5-50 - very nice and assuring. I likey!
Then a few hours later I get a call telling me that I need to add a few things to my "cocktail" of meds/vitamins. Okee Dokee then..... as if its not hard enuf to keep all these pills straight already :-)
I think this is normal protocol with a BFP so I'm not worried - I didnt get a chance to ask but I think in one of our meetings with the doc (specialist in Illinois) I remember her saying that she would add some things when i got a positive beta. Anyhoo - now I take all the vitamins and meds i did b4 and adding in petrolium (i think thats what its called) its a progesterone pill and I need to take it twice a day and then also need to take 1 prednasone (steroid) pill twice a day instead of taking it only once a day.
I was also told I need to do another treatment of the IVIg on Monday - and because I have been in this place so many times (being preg then baby not progressing) I asked if it would be ok to wait until Tuesday to do it, AFTER I get the second set of test results. Just to make sure we dont toss in the garbage $2,100.00. I hate that I have to think that way, I hate that I cant just know that its gonna work out but I do have to accept that my history puts me at more of a risk that someone else so I need to accept that and move on. I am thrilled right now, right now to be pregnant at this moment and to have gotten over the 1st hurdle. Today is a good day!
lets see.... that puts me at 11 pills/vitamins, 2 blood thinner sub-q injections and 1 inter-muscular progesterone shot every day. I'm thinking Ive got to lose some weight with all this stuff - I mean c'on, where am I gonna fit food after all that?!?!?! LOL.
I am sore and bruised in the front and in the back, having some hard lumps from both of the injections as well but a-ok with all of it!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
For my fellow POAS addict Miss Megan
Probably one of the best things you can see at this point. I have been here so many times over the last 3 years that its so hard to get excited, however, it sure is hard NOT to get excited. We have gotten past one hurdle - next will be the beta levels rising correctly, then the u/s to see fetal pole and sac, then the big one for us since we have never gotten that far..... the u/s for the heartbeat **gulp**.
Anyway, for now, this is the fun picture - i cant stop looking at them (the positive tests). I dont really know why, they look the same everytime i look at them. They sure do put a smile on my face tho :-)
Still hope?
Yesterday afternoon - around lunch time - i just couldnt wrap my mind around the fact that this could not work. With all the work put in, all the research, all the new medication, all the doctor visits, all the new tests and new expensive treatments, i just couldn't give up hope so i went to buy 2 more tests. I bought 2 from the dollar store and a 2 pack of FRER (first response early result) from Walgreens. The ones from Walgreens are pricey, a whoppin $15! Geesh! Anyway, took one of each of them here at work and one was positive (so very very light but there) and the other negative. So i thought there is still hope. I figured that the mornings test would show me a stronger line so i could feel good about it. I have never not wanted to test, i have never not wanted to wake up and run downstairs to test - today i didnt want to do it. I was afraid. I'm never afraid to test, it was weird. So of course i did test - cuz its who i am - and took 2 tests, 2 cheap tests. I can see the line, a very light light light - did i say light - line on both. Its there, im sure that if anyone else looked at it they would not see it but since Ive been doing this way too long i can see it. Of course i have more hope than i did yesterday morning but i am still not getting excited, which, again, is sooooo super weird for me. "A line is a line is a line" is what i have said to myself and to many other ladies so many times that i should probably have it tattooed on my forehead but this just doesn't seem sure yet. I took 4 tests yesterday, only 1 of them was a positive and it wasn't even a strong positive. I am what would be considered 11 days past ovulation right now so in a "normal" cycle a light line like this wouldn't concern me but this is an IVF and we put fertilized embryos back in there so I would have assumed a darker line would show.
I have never had such a light line on 11DPO in any of the pregnancies - now, I could look at it (and I'm really trying here) in a good way since none of those 4 pregnancies turned out very well. Maybe it took my body longer to implant and that is cuz things are going well. Who knows, all I know is I am in a daze and keeping hope but really hoping that the test line will be completely vi sable by the morning. My blood test is tomoro and i haven't even made an appt for it yet. I didn't want to jinx it - I may not even call until 2moro. They will take blood Friday and Saturday but I wont hear anything until Saturday since they send both blood samples in at the same time and call you with both results.
Saturday I will be taking Harmony and her friends to the Anime Convention for all day fun. I will be able to take calls and either enjoy the rest of the day with the ladies or go and break down in the bathroom for a min then get back to regular life.
I have never had such a light line on 11DPO in any of the pregnancies - now, I could look at it (and I'm really trying here) in a good way since none of those 4 pregnancies turned out very well. Maybe it took my body longer to implant and that is cuz things are going well. Who knows, all I know is I am in a daze and keeping hope but really hoping that the test line will be completely vi sable by the morning. My blood test is tomoro and i haven't even made an appt for it yet. I didn't want to jinx it - I may not even call until 2moro. They will take blood Friday and Saturday but I wont hear anything until Saturday since they send both blood samples in at the same time and call you with both results.
Saturday I will be taking Harmony and her friends to the Anime Convention for all day fun. I will be able to take calls and either enjoy the rest of the day with the ladies or go and break down in the bathroom for a min then get back to regular life.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Allergic reaction and negative test
So I'm not really liking this day much. I thought maybe I would be able to see something on a test this morning - its early but plenty of people can see something 9dpo so why not me? Nope, natta, hoping its just too early but not feeling as good about this time as I did a few days ago. Its hard not to feel like its not gonna happen and then to get pissed off and wonder how the HELL it isnt gonna work with putting 6 freekin embryos in there. Geesh.
As far as the allergic reaction, yesterday after the IVIg treatment I thought it was funny - today, not so much. I was told that it would be back to “normal” by the time I went to bed. Its still not normal. I'm posting a pic but it would be better if I could put a pic of the both of my arms together since then you would have a reference of what my arm really looks like but I cant take a pic of both arms myself. Maybe I will have one of the kids do it later. BTW, they think its hilarious. My arm is HUGE, really red and given off some serious heat, its about half the size it was yesterday when I left treatment but still very big. It feels weird to the touch to me anyway, like its filled with something but not really. I cant bend my arm all the way and I cant straighten it out all the way either. It hurts, like a really, really sore muscle, one you worked out too much or something. Its not the worst pain but add that into the bloating and emotions from the mega progesterone and the bruises on my belly plus the soreness from the POI (progesterone oil injections) and I am a mess. Like a 90 yr old lady for crying out loud.
The best part of all of this is when the nurses (both of them) saw it their eyes got huge and kept asking if I was ok, then went on to say many times how they had never seen a reaction like this. Of course they hadn’t..... only me...... are we all shocked..... sadly, not even in the slightest.
I am now waiting on a call back from them. They told me to take Benadryl and they would call me back to give me further instructions but then added again “if you cant breath go right to ER”. Okee Dokee, lol.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Back to life - somewhat anyway
So today is the 1st day back to work and it feels good to back in the real world - even tho the longer I lay around, the easier it got to lay around. Either way, here I am back at work and loving it. I also do like that I am leaving at 11:30 to get out to another doctor appt in Illinois - but I am quite sure that by Wednesday or Thursday I will be over this whole “back to real life and work garbage”, hahaha.
Anyhoo - today is technically 8dpo so I could be implanting right now! How exciting :0)
But in the IVF world I am 5dp3dt (5 days past 3 day transfer) and in the IVF world to the doctor that just means that I am still waiting...... waiting...... waiting...... to see if this cycle worked. Im usually pretty cool up until about now. Im only a few days away from knowing - and then after a positive pregnancy test is when my real worry or anxiousness starts. The 2 weeks after a + test in my life are 2 of the L-O-N-G-E-S-T weeks of my life. Its like in the movies when you feel and hear every second click by. Man, that’s rough but I would much rather have that then a negative that is for sure!
I am a POAS (pee on a stick) addict so I already know that the trigger is out of my system which is good cuz that means if/when I get a + it is a real one. I have been tricked b4 so now I test to see the + first then the - then the + again. Its crazy but for whatever reason it makes me feel a lil control in this uncontrollable stuff. Gives me another reason to get up in the morning - silly but true. Not that I dont have things that get me up in the morning but, well, you people who have been thru this understand and there is no other way to say it.
Today I will be going for another IVIG treatment, gosh I wish i could have booked it for Wed instead cuz by then I could ask for a blood pregnancy test to see if this is even something I need to do. Its another $2,100 which is fine if it helped but come to find out that after my treatment (2 days after) my KC actually WENT UP, yes, i said UP. They have an explanation for everything and sure it makes sense but I was really wanting to hear that they went down. They were borderline last time and they went up from 15 to 42 AFTER treatment. They told me that it was cuz 2 days after i had the treatment i had my retreival where they were "poking around" up there which makes the natural killer cells start to get all crazy. I just dont know what to think, but i am going back to get another treatment so.... yeah..... I just dont want to say "I shoulda had that treatment this time. I cant have closure if I dont do everything possible this time so I will go and let them take the money from us. I am stopping for fast food tho.
Anyhoo - today is technically 8dpo so I could be implanting right now! How exciting :0)
But in the IVF world I am 5dp3dt (5 days past 3 day transfer) and in the IVF world to the doctor that just means that I am still waiting...... waiting...... waiting...... to see if this cycle worked. Im usually pretty cool up until about now. Im only a few days away from knowing - and then after a positive pregnancy test is when my real worry or anxiousness starts. The 2 weeks after a + test in my life are 2 of the L-O-N-G-E-S-T weeks of my life. Its like in the movies when you feel and hear every second click by. Man, that’s rough but I would much rather have that then a negative that is for sure!
I am a POAS (pee on a stick) addict so I already know that the trigger is out of my system which is good cuz that means if/when I get a + it is a real one. I have been tricked b4 so now I test to see the + first then the - then the + again. Its crazy but for whatever reason it makes me feel a lil control in this uncontrollable stuff. Gives me another reason to get up in the morning - silly but true. Not that I dont have things that get me up in the morning but, well, you people who have been thru this understand and there is no other way to say it.
Today I will be going for another IVIG treatment, gosh I wish i could have booked it for Wed instead cuz by then I could ask for a blood pregnancy test to see if this is even something I need to do. Its another $2,100 which is fine if it helped but come to find out that after my treatment (2 days after) my KC actually WENT UP, yes, i said UP. They have an explanation for everything and sure it makes sense but I was really wanting to hear that they went down. They were borderline last time and they went up from 15 to 42 AFTER treatment. They told me that it was cuz 2 days after i had the treatment i had my retreival where they were "poking around" up there which makes the natural killer cells start to get all crazy. I just dont know what to think, but i am going back to get another treatment so.... yeah..... I just dont want to say "I shoulda had that treatment this time. I cant have closure if I dont do everything possible this time so I will go and let them take the money from us. I am stopping for fast food tho.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Update and instant love
So here i am sitting on bed rest - bored. I always look forward to this part of it all for the relaxation but by day 2 I am bored and sick of seeing all the things that I could be doing. Oh well, the rest will be good.
Yesterday was the transfer. We had 6 embryos. One of A quality, 3 of B quality and 2 of C's. She told me that they wanted to transfer the 4 best ones and the C's will prob die off by the next day. Ummmmm, yeah, no. So we went back and forth a bit how i wanted them all to be transferred. If they are gonna die, at least let them die in me - not in a dish in the lab. Embryologist did not want to do it and wouldnt even consider it until i finally said that the doc and i had already decided this and i wanted to talk to my nurse Sue. She didnt seem concerned, went out to talk to the new doc and came back within min to say it all was fine. No worries - the doc made some jokes about how my babies I am gonna have and that was that. Now i have to hope that embryologist didnt hold a grudge and poke a lil too hard on the embryos while she was doing the assistant hatching process. Just kidding, Im sure all is fine.
I showed the pic to the kids and bray FREAKED when i told him each of those blogs was a potential baby. His eyes got HUGE and said "YOUR GONNA HAVE 6 BABIES?!?!?!". It was cute, but i had to explain to him how that was not gonna happen. When i showed Harmony the picture i asked her if she thought they looked more like me or Matt, lol.
Im sure everything thinks I am nuts and have lost my mind but this is it, this is the last chance and I just couldnt live with myself if I didnt fight for what we wanted this time. I couldnt have closure on all of this if I felt pushed around this time. If this doesnt work, i need to be able to know that I did EVERYTHING possible in my power to have made it happen. In order to move on I cant live with "what if's".
My beta pregnancy test (the blood one) is next Friday and then another on Saturday. I wont know anything until Saturday - as far as those results go, however, I'm sure all of you know I will be testing so I will know before I go in there. Id love to be able to wait, but I'm not gonna even pretend its gonna happen that way cuz its not. I have at least 40 pregnancy tests here and they are SCREAMING my name already :-)
Started back on the blood thinner injections yesterday and now they are twice a day, 12 hours apart. Plus the intermuscular progesterone shot in the back/bum. Not worried or annoying in the slightest about it. Loving the shots if they can help get us to our goal.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Why do people have to be so difficult?
I’m having an issue with the embryologist and I am quite sure she is having a problem with me as well. We are not gonna be best buds anytime soon. After I talked with her I got more and more upset about the talk we had which was more of her scolding me for even thinking about putting all the embryos back in. How silly that would be - no doctor will do that, etc. Such crap.
As a side-note to all of this ** that dumb ass octo-mom really F*d up the fertility world in my opinion.
That lady NEVER had a m/c and NEVER didn’t get preggo with a IVF cycle and also had PLENTY of embryos to freeze so why they would have put that many into her is beyond me but now I am paying the price for her dumb ass. Ugh. I have a history, I have had several IUI’s that I have had more than 4 or 5 mature follicles and more than 100 million sperm and no pregnancies from those, plus all the m/c’s and the other TWO failed IVF cycles, nothing ever to freeze, I could go on ...... geesh, c’on lady - lets look at my history then talk about the “risks” of putting too many embryos back in.
Do I want to have 6 children at once, no. Do I think that it will happen, again, no. Am I in the slightest afraid that all of them will stick and then thrive, no. Maybe that is stupid, maybe its just that I am afraid that I will end up with nothing yet again, either way, I’m not afraid in the least.
I just don’t understand how or why she is fighting with me about this, it is something that my DOCTOR and I had already decided and now that he is gone do I need the added stress of dealing with her..... ummm I’d say no. I did talk to of Dr K's patients who had the same issue with this particular embryologist. They (patients and doc) had decided that even the “non-viable” ones would be put in since life starts at conception for them and doc and nurse were a-ok then the embryologist fought back and forth with them about it and how it was “too risky” to put them in, however, she had just got thru telling them that they are ‘non-viable’ and the only way they can be non-viable is when they completely stopped growing so how do you say in one sentence that they are non-viable and then tell them what a great risk it is to put those back in. So this lady would have felt better tossing them in the garbage instead of going with the wishes of patient and doctor and giving the babies a chance at life. So stupid. She needs to chose one side and go with it.
This lady I talked with actually won the “fight” and they put 2 viable and the 2 non viable back in - all 4 stuck but only a week later only 1 heartbeat and no one knows for sure which one it was, non viable or viable.
NOW, I do understand the risks, I am not an idiot, like I said b4 I don’t want to have 6 babies at once. That’s just craziness for anyone but for me, its even more crazy - I'm too old for that! I understand why the docs don’t want to push it, I really do, i respect that they are afraid to do that cuz of the risks, I just want them to look at my history and base the decision on THAT instead of what could potentially happen. Look at the history as well as the fact that they keep telling me that there is only a 10% or less chance that I would have the last 2 to freeze and that this is our last chance and that we have already had failed cycles and that my doc and I had a plan. In a perfect world I wouldnt be going thru this, but in a perfect infertility world in which I live in at the moment, I would put 2 in and get one baby then have the others to freeze - however, my life doesnt work that way so I want to maximize my chances at pregnancy. I would rather have 2 or 3 babies than no babies.
Ok, venting session done - I will be bringing my boxing gloves to this meeting 2moro and she better be ready for a fight. I will make sure I talk to them b4 they try to pump any sedatives into the IV, lol
I am leaning toward fighting for all 6 to be put back in 2moro but we shall see about all that......
As a side-note to all of this ** that dumb ass octo-mom really F*d up the fertility world in my opinion.
That lady NEVER had a m/c and NEVER didn’t get preggo with a IVF cycle and also had PLENTY of embryos to freeze so why they would have put that many into her is beyond me but now I am paying the price for her dumb ass. Ugh. I have a history, I have had several IUI’s that I have had more than 4 or 5 mature follicles and more than 100 million sperm and no pregnancies from those, plus all the m/c’s and the other TWO failed IVF cycles, nothing ever to freeze, I could go on ...... geesh, c’on lady - lets look at my history then talk about the “risks” of putting too many embryos back in.
Do I want to have 6 children at once, no. Do I think that it will happen, again, no. Am I in the slightest afraid that all of them will stick and then thrive, no. Maybe that is stupid, maybe its just that I am afraid that I will end up with nothing yet again, either way, I’m not afraid in the least.
I just don’t understand how or why she is fighting with me about this, it is something that my DOCTOR and I had already decided and now that he is gone do I need the added stress of dealing with her..... ummm I’d say no. I did talk to of Dr K's patients who had the same issue with this particular embryologist. They (patients and doc) had decided that even the “non-viable” ones would be put in since life starts at conception for them and doc and nurse were a-ok then the embryologist fought back and forth with them about it and how it was “too risky” to put them in, however, she had just got thru telling them that they are ‘non-viable’ and the only way they can be non-viable is when they completely stopped growing so how do you say in one sentence that they are non-viable and then tell them what a great risk it is to put those back in. So this lady would have felt better tossing them in the garbage instead of going with the wishes of patient and doctor and giving the babies a chance at life. So stupid. She needs to chose one side and go with it.
This lady I talked with actually won the “fight” and they put 2 viable and the 2 non viable back in - all 4 stuck but only a week later only 1 heartbeat and no one knows for sure which one it was, non viable or viable.
NOW, I do understand the risks, I am not an idiot, like I said b4 I don’t want to have 6 babies at once. That’s just craziness for anyone but for me, its even more crazy - I'm too old for that! I understand why the docs don’t want to push it, I really do, i respect that they are afraid to do that cuz of the risks, I just want them to look at my history and base the decision on THAT instead of what could potentially happen. Look at the history as well as the fact that they keep telling me that there is only a 10% or less chance that I would have the last 2 to freeze and that this is our last chance and that we have already had failed cycles and that my doc and I had a plan. In a perfect world I wouldnt be going thru this, but in a perfect infertility world in which I live in at the moment, I would put 2 in and get one baby then have the others to freeze - however, my life doesnt work that way so I want to maximize my chances at pregnancy. I would rather have 2 or 3 babies than no babies.
Ok, venting session done - I will be bringing my boxing gloves to this meeting 2moro and she better be ready for a fight. I will make sure I talk to them b4 they try to pump any sedatives into the IV, lol
I am leaning toward fighting for all 6 to be put back in 2moro but we shall see about all that......
Ive got a COLD - YIPPIE!
Sounds so silly doesnt it - who hopes for a cold? Meeeee...... i take that as good news since that means that my natural killer cells are so low that they cant fight off this cold. I feel like crap and of course i would rather feel good but i like the little assurance that spending $2,100 may have done what they wanted it to do. Of course I wont know for sure until i have my blood tested and then hopefully a BFP then 6 or 7 more of these treatments. The cost is unreal, but of course worth every single penny if it can stop me from miscarrying babies!
Monday, March 1, 2010
The call I’ve been waiting for!
The call from the embryologist - not as bad as expected so that is always a nice plus.
Got 10 eggs:
8 mature
1 immature
1 degenerate ( i think that means too mature)
Out of the 8 only 6 fertilized.
They will watch the other 2 but don’t expect much from those slackers.
I wanted to transfer all 6 on Wednesday but she said the doc wouldn’t do that as of now since they all look "normal". So what we will do is transfer the best 2 on Wednesday and then again the best 2 on Friday. Its called a subquential (spelling?) transfer. And then the chance of the other 2 being any good for freezing would be 10%.
I don’t understand if they think they only have a 10% chance of “taking” then why they wouldnt just put them in. Dr K and I talked about it and he agreed to put in even the ones that they call “non-viable” and now they wont do it. I am NOT happy about that at all but I have to move on. Can't argue and piss off the person who will be “watching and caring” for your embryos. Would hate to have an accident occur in the lab, yanno?
My issue with it all and I’m sure she is quite annoyed with me, but she will get over it, is that we have NEVER made it to day 5 (which would be Friday) so why would I push it to day 5 with so little amount of embryos? Doesn’t make sense to me to "push my luck" where I have 2 other cycles that show the embryos don’t make it that far but so we chose to do the above type of transfer. I can also choose to put 4of the best in on Wednesday (a day 3 transfer) if they don’t look that great that day. And then hope we chose correctly and that the others would make it to blast to be frozen on day 5 or 6.
I don’t know how to feel about it all, I am very happy to have more to work with and she just kept saying “if they are gonna work then they will, nothing we can do about it”. I don’t like that but I know she is right. Its gotta be pretty easy to say that when its not YOUR last chance or YOUR embryos or YOUR dream.
Got 10 eggs:
8 mature
1 immature
1 degenerate ( i think that means too mature)
Out of the 8 only 6 fertilized.
They will watch the other 2 but don’t expect much from those slackers.
I wanted to transfer all 6 on Wednesday but she said the doc wouldn’t do that as of now since they all look "normal". So what we will do is transfer the best 2 on Wednesday and then again the best 2 on Friday. Its called a subquential (spelling?) transfer. And then the chance of the other 2 being any good for freezing would be 10%.
I don’t understand if they think they only have a 10% chance of “taking” then why they wouldnt just put them in. Dr K and I talked about it and he agreed to put in even the ones that they call “non-viable” and now they wont do it. I am NOT happy about that at all but I have to move on. Can't argue and piss off the person who will be “watching and caring” for your embryos. Would hate to have an accident occur in the lab, yanno?
My issue with it all and I’m sure she is quite annoyed with me, but she will get over it, is that we have NEVER made it to day 5 (which would be Friday) so why would I push it to day 5 with so little amount of embryos? Doesn’t make sense to me to "push my luck" where I have 2 other cycles that show the embryos don’t make it that far but so we chose to do the above type of transfer. I can also choose to put 4of the best in on Wednesday (a day 3 transfer) if they don’t look that great that day. And then hope we chose correctly and that the others would make it to blast to be frozen on day 5 or 6.
I don’t know how to feel about it all, I am very happy to have more to work with and she just kept saying “if they are gonna work then they will, nothing we can do about it”. I don’t like that but I know she is right. Its gotta be pretty easy to say that when its not YOUR last chance or YOUR embryos or YOUR dream.
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