Monday, March 22, 2010

The nurse felt pitty for me and called super early with my numbers for friday, bless her heart.
They went up to 798 which is a 74% increase, again good. I was hoping for more but this is still a good rise according to everything i can find on line, lol. Naw, the nurse said it was fine too but they wished they were higher too. So her and I are on the same overacheiver page for this pregnnacy. Good to know.
Even with the rise, I talked to the nurse in Illinois and after talking to Matt he and i decided we would feel more comfy doing another IVIg treatment friday instead of waiting for my numbers on Monday or Tuesday. My natural killer cells (just in the uterus) started at 41% and then were like 32% and they like to see them under 12. Our thoughts were why wait, its not like we are gonna win the lottery between Friday and Monday so we felt it was best to do another treatment on Friday. The nurse finally got a hold of the doc at around 1 and said that she agreed with what matt and i had thought so to get in the car and come out. I was there by 2:10. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding boss who happens to be in the sunny state of Arizona so the sunshine probably helped him not to be annoyed with me leaving yet again this week.
Anyway, went out there, got the treatment and came home. No reaction at all so the problem the other day was just where they had placed it. I will not be having it put into the arm/elbo anymore. Just the hands.
They also did a bloodflow u/s and she said it was PERFECT, i like perfect, i like it a lot.
Today i sit and wait again for test results...... seems to be my life at this point but i am ok with that. Means that i am pregnant right now and i am thankful for that.
I talked to my therapist this weekend about a lot of the feelings that i have and liking to be in control and feeling lost a lot in life now and wondering why i cant just be happy and think its gonna be alright.
I kept saying to her "i'd love to be wrong and be holding a baby in my arms in november but i cant shake it" and then we came up with the fact that i dont like to look stupid, in any situation and to me being wrong is stupid, esp if i continue to feel and tell everyone that everything is fine and then its not.
But coming back to wanting to be wrong in this particular situation and why wouldnt i feel "stupid" then? Why do i want to be wrong then? Figured out that if i am "wrong" about not miscarrying then i win and the feeling of happiness takes over being "wrong". I get to have the baby but if i continue to say everything is gonna be alright and then its not then I have the pain of losing the pregnancy as well as feeling like an ass for believing it could actually happen for us.
I'm working on changing that since I'd like to be different, I'd like to feel like we are deserving and that it will happen for us.


Christa said...

who determines if you are deserving of this or not?

I can only assume that you mean a higher power and I do not know of a higher power that is cruel enough to strike you and matt with a wand and say nope, you two don't deserve this. oh, but the crack addict who beats her other children does deserve another one.

give yourselves some credit. of course you 'deserve' it.

Princess Chelsea said...

i dunno, after all this i dont know which end is up most days and what to think anymore. I used to sit around and blame one or both of us for this and what we may have done to deserve this situation - I want to focus on the good we have already and not what has been taken from us from now on. Maybe I needed to go thru this to learn that some things are worth waiting for and that going thru something like this can make a couple stronger. I watched my uncles 2nd marriage break up over this exact thing and I saw us goin there as well. We do deserve this but moreso we deserve to be happy and together no matter what happens and I need to start believing it :-)

Christa said...

i know it's hard to not think why me, what did i do to deserve this but unless you purposely do something like slap someone, you deserve to get slapped back! tricky little word! maybe you could change it to demand. Demand happiness no matter what happens!