So today is day 2 of no testing at home which I think I may have licked it. I didn't even think about it today when I got up. Maybe the worst of that addiction is over, lol.
As far as the number game I am playing here with my pregnancy, I am a wreck. I go back and forth but I am trying to stay positive. I am a person who deals with the facts - I'm not a "dreamer" but sometimes I really wish I was. Like now for instance.
My first beta was 63.1
Second jumped to 282 (3 days but the 2 day increase was 170%)
Third one was 459.1 (2 days and only an increase of 64%).
Now, an increase of 64% is considered "adequate but low" so I should be happy and relieved however, I am fearful (what a surprise!). Any doc will tell you that a beta level will "double" in 48-72 hours so they consider a rise of 60% adequate (they like at 66% but will take 60%) so not bad news at all - i just really liked the feeling of being an overachiever, not having to worry. I liked that a lot. For 2 days I felt good, positive and hopeful. I even allowed myself to go back and look at the baby name document I have had here at work. it has been almost a year since I have opened that and read thru it.
I have read until my eyes bled about all this and there are a few possibilities:
1. Everything is fine.
2. I had a few embryos stick and 1 stopped progressing and all will be fine.
3. My pregnancy will not stick and beta numbers will drop and body will m/c.
4. Blighted Ovum (where the you end up with a baby but baby stops growing - like my 2nd IVF)
Obviously I would love #1 or #2 but with my history I continue to come back to #3 or #4.
I went back to the notes from my last IVF and something similar happened with my numbers during that time, most of them were great but always on the "low" side of ok.
It is very possible since I had 6 embryos put in that more than 1 "stuck" and now only the strong is surviving. My numbers are still within the "Normal" range for where I am in the pregnancy so I should just be happy with that. I'm trying and I know what I would tell someone else in this situation but I would only be telling them that to be nice. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I don't think I have always been like this but with everything that has happened in the last few years it sure is hard not to be. I would love to be different, but its just who I am. My life is good, I don't consider myself an unlucky person or plagued with terrible things, I am very fortunate and I know this. I just do have a black cloud following me in this particular situation. I am healthy, have a great hubby, better kids than I deserve and friends and family that would do anything in their power for me - I am not saying my life is not good cuz it is. I have always said that my life is always "even" like if something really great happens to me, then something else will come along and "even" it out. We get a work bonus, the breaks on the car go out - things like that. I am not unlucky or lucky, kinda just in the middle.
Its not like if I prepare for the worst its gonna feel any better if it happens so why not just have my head in the clouds and know that everything is gonna be all right? Wish I knew how and I have tried, I just cant.
So I take Valium to help. Over the last few years my panic attacks have gotten worse, WAY worse than what they were in the past. I have always been a lil high strung, however, these are not controllable like in the past. My heart will start to pump so hard and I get dizzy then my hands start to shake and I cant move. It will be triggered by something stupid like going to dinner with friends or family, doesn't have to be anything that would cause panic like this situation. Then I get mean and seclusive cuz I want everyone to leave me alone, partly cuz I am embarrassed about how ridiculous it all is and partly cuz I dont like anyone to see me not in control.
Therapy helps I suppose but sometimes when I am there I feel like I dont want to talk about the stuff even to her, so stupid since that is what she is there for. I feel like I dont want her to know that I am not in control. How goofy, lol.