Musta made it comfy in there!

this picture was taken about a week and a half ago i think. I am now creepin up on 36 weeks and measuring at 45+ at the doctor today. Dilated to 1 so basically means nothing is going on in there. Not effaced even 1%. Im really thinking if no pre-eclampsia then im going all the way to November 9th!
There is a lot of protein in my urine as well as some blood. I guess that is no good so they gave me a bucket to collect ALL my pee in for 24 hours. How fun! Plus, the bonus is that i get to keep that bucket of urine in the fridge. How gross. Anyway, they also took blood work today and tested for Strep B. The blood work and urine collection is to check for pre-eclampcia. My blood pressure is awesome just like always but the swelling and protein are also indicators of problems so they are checking it out.
Im only 2.5 weeks away from the d date so im not really worried if the test says i have it. Im sure they will just deliver the babies Im getting very anxious to see what they look like and what their personalities are - wondering how the dogs will react to them and the kids as well. Wondering how life will be with 2 lil ones in the house. Not the lack of sleep or the noise, just the basic teen-stuff that goes on here and where we always are going to will be luggin 2 car seats and lil humans around to everything! Im sure it will take some adjusting but we will get thru it i am sure.
I was released from the REI specialist in IL so that is nice, no more trips out there. I feel like i should send them a gift or something for what they have helped us get.
I am pretty ready for babies - as ready as i can get i suppose. Its not like they really need much at birth so what we have here is more than enuf at this point. I am too exhausted and sore to do anything else so i figure i will organize and re-organize after they are born since im not going back to work for quite some time.
Looking forward to being able to spend time with all 4 of my kids while i am a stay at home momma!

Cant believe Im here

Its been a very long time since I've updated! I have been off of work now for 3 weeks I believe and I have been to soooo many doctor appoitments its silly! Maddox's tumor is bigger now than it originally was but it doesnt seem to be effecting him at all. No edema for him - plenty for me, none for him. Which is a-ok. I would rather not have any myself since it is very uncomfy, but i will take it instead of him. I ma 34 weeks now and its hard to do anything. Its hard to get up, hard to sit, hard to lay down, harder to walk and bending over or squatting at all is completley out of the question. The heartburn is crazy and most of the time the scripted zantac doesnt touch it. The throwing up in my mouth is getting very, very old.
I have got to be up at least 60 pounds at this point and I am hoping that a lot of it is swelling, water weight. Hey, a girl can dream, right? :-)
THe doctor has never once said anything about the weight issue, which surprises me since most docs are all up your a** about gaining too much. I knew i liked this doc b4, but now i like him even more!!!
Nursery is pretty much done, well, done enuf that babies could sleep in there if need be. Cribs and up and bedding is in place. Walls are painted, glider rocker is in there, clothes are washed and put away. I have bottles ready, diapers, wipes and butt cream ready to go and Harmony has painted one of the four monkeys already. She will have plenty of time to do the rest. I like the way the room looks, it is smaller and smaller every day but seems cozy and I really think Maddux and Alyssa will like being in there together.
At the last check, 3 weeks ago they were both 3lbs 7 oz. I will have another weight check on friday along with the biophysical ultrasound. I am hoping at least a pound or more. Shooting for 4.5 each (or more). They have given me a D-day. If i do not go into spontanious labor they will enduce me or c-section me (depending on how the babies are positioned) on November 9th. Its a Tuesday and happens to be my in laws anniversary. I really dont think i will make it quite that long but I never in a million years thought I would have made it this far so what do I know. Bradyen's guess is November 1st or 3rd. Harmony's guess is October 31st or November 4th. With the way that I feel I would say no more than 2 weeks, but maybe that is the pain and discomfrot talking.........
I think that Halloween would be fun but any day they come and are healthy is a-ok with me.

Shoulda seen it coming

I had a 2 doc appts on tuesday. One OB and a growth scan with the peri. The Ob was first and all is well, greet HB's, weight gain and all that good stuff so i go upstairs to the u/s with the perientologist. They go thru the scans and i still make them show me heartbeats every time, even tho just 10 min prior to that i was hearing it at the OB. Anyway, i see this thing on Maddux's placenta and then i see the tech measure it. I knew something was up but they are not normally the person who says anything about it. The doc does. Now, i don't always see the doctor there usually they say "ok, all is great, see ya in 2 weeks". Not this time. She says they are done and that the doctor would be in shortly. SO now I know i was right that something wasnt right. I thought it as a bleed but it looked weird. It was a diff color than the rest of the placenta. Doc comes in and says that it is a tumor on his placenta. OY! Not what i wanted to hear. I was all ready for bed rest and some worry but not a frickin tumor talk. Not cool. I guess sometimes (and of course in my case it does happen) blood forms - kinda like a fibroid in the uterus, which i have several, and then stay around. Nothing you can do about it, nothing you can do to cause it.
He didn't seem worried and told me that i shouldn't be either, right.......
He said that what can happen is baby can be affected by it and get all bloated and retain a ton of water. If that happens they need to deliver. They checked for that and saw none, they also did not see any heart failure or issues with heart. Good news, but the tumor was not there 4 weeks ago when i was there. So you just never know what can happen. He said that it was worth them watching and me knowing about, but didn't want me to worry. Sure......
Im actually much more calm about it than one would think who knows me. Somehow i feel like it will be ok and so will he. I don't know if its denial or if i just have a motherly feeling about it. I am gonna go with the motherly feeling.
They are each 3lbs 1oz now and in the 38th percentile, which bothered me cuz they have always been in the 50th but they all said that is normal and even more normal for twins come the end since they run out of room. I am measuring 38+ weeks right now and i am 30 weeks so I may just believe them on that part.

Shower is this weekend and im getting excited, glad to be off of work now. Feeling more and more sore and exhausted but blood pressure is a-ok.

I guess I'm not immune

Turns out that I can in fact have the rhogam shot. The antibodies that showed up on my last blood test were there cuz they were left-over from the last rhogam shot I had when I was bleeding in this pregnancy. Yippie, so now I get to go back to the doctor again today. I was at my old RE’s office yesterday morning getting another IVIg treatment and I have 3 appts next week.

Friday is quickly approaching and as much as I am looking forward to being off of work I am pretty sad to be giving up such a great job. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my great job/boss. He knew everything we were going thru and never ever made me feel like all the time off I took would put my job in jeopardy. That lessened the stress of all the appts and such.
Very much looking forward to being a SAHM. I'm also glad that I will be able to cover at work when the "new me" goes on Vacation or has a sick kid, appt or whatever. I'm sure that will be a very nice break from home stuff. Taking a shower, putting real clothes on, giving someone else the joy of changing 20 diapers that day, not getting puked on for an entire 8 hour period..... sounds magical doesnt it? :-)

I have a few lunch dates over the next couple weeks, its gonna be fun to be off, even if I have to order bread and water, lol.
I have all these things that I want to do while I am off and before the babies come, however, my mind and my body don’t always want to do the same thing. I want to freezer cook, and make tons of things so I don’t have to cook for quite awhile but I know that just the grocery shopping will do me in so I have to be smart. I want to finish the nursery, but again, not so sure my body will hold up.
The doc said that most twin mommas stop working at about 28 weeks, I will be 30 so I feel good about that. I guess the pressure of the babies can cause pre-term or something. So with being home he says to do something then rest with my feet up, take naps, etc and I should be fine. And with having the whole day to do this stuff I can only hope that it will be fine. Now, even tho I dont do physical things here at work, just having to be here is difficult. Then all the after work things with kids school and such - anyway, being off will be very nice.

I have been taking some sort of injection for pretty much 3 years now and its getting to me. Today I needed to take my Lovenox injection and I just couldn’t do it. I looked at it several times and then put it back each time. I know it stays in my system for a few days so waiting til I get home wont make a difference. Its just weird that its hard to stick myself. It doesn’t hurt so I’m not so sure what my problem is.

Oh well, regardless, happy to be injecting and running to doctor appts.... very, very happy to be where I sit. Last year at this time I didnt think having a baby was possible - now I get to have two more. Won the lottery on that one!

At least I’m not making this up!

When people say “how are you doing” I usually say “ok” or "alright" cuz who really wants to hear how you are really feeling? They are being polite by asking so I’m not gonna keep them around telling all my “issues”. However, the being exhausted one most days I do bring up but I feel like such a fool. I mean, geesh, how can I STILL be exhausted...... at some point I should have some energy. I don’t.
6 weeks ago I went to the doc for normal pregnancy bloodwork and in that was iron level, CBC, gestational diabetes, etc. My iron was low, very low so they put me on iron supplements for the anemia. Didn’t care for the side effects but super excited about the possibility of having energy. Yeah, not happening, not even close. So over the last 6 weeks I have felt not even a burst of energy - I can drink coffee or a soda and natta. So today when I had to go back to the doc, yet again, for them to suck my blood (to figure out this Rhogam Shot dilemma) I asked about my results from yesterday. I passed the GD test which I was shocked about. I was totally ready for them to hand me the finger pricker thingy and a completely new diet plan but nope, passed it just fine. Great! However, the 6 weeks on the iron meds has done nothing, nothing at all. Still super low, like maybe a point higher than it was. I was kinda relieved to be honest. At least there is a reason for this exhaustion, other than twin pregnancy and my old a** age. I have been pregnant before but that was ages ago so I would just chalk this up to me being 12 years older and this being a twin pregnancy, good to know I don’t have to feel like this. The doc was not in when I was there (lunch, how dare he!) so I assume he will just have me take 2 of the iron pills daily instead of 1 every day but waiting on those instructions.
I know I should eat more meat, red meat at that but nothing tastes good anymore. I can eat prob 1 real meal a day but the rest of the time I just graze on little stuff. Red meat is the last thing I want to chew on. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Every once in awhile I crave a big burger but only the kind you can get out, not the ones you make at home. There isn't much room in there anymore and it seems as tho I have developed a MEGA milk allergy in the last 4 weeks. Its awful, goes right thru me and makes me miserable. So eating cereal (which was one thing I did enjoy) is out of the question unless I wanna feel like crap. The Greek Yogurt that I was getting protein from is not sitting well either - not as awful as drinking milk or having milk in cereal tho.
I have always had a problem with milk, lactose, but when I am pregnant I can down the stuff no problem. Up until a few weeks ago that was the case with this pregnancy too.
Oh well, kinda excited to up the meds in hopes that I will be able to do something once and awhile :-)

I may be ready to take off the necklace....... maybe not

I have been wearing the same necklace since the IVF round started, I have tried to take it off twice now in the last 3 weeks. Its still on, however, I think I can do it this weekend. Its so silly but when I go to take it off my heart starts to pound as if I’m doing something “wrong” so I leave it. I think its gonna have to be like a band-aid and just take it off and be done with it. We shall see what happens this weekend.... stay tuned!
Today I had 2 appts, one with the OB and one with the Peri. Had a cervical check, all is well with cervix as well as babies. Got a great pic of lil Maddux but Alyssa still being camera shy. We could have gotten a great shot of her booty in 3D tho!
I am 28 weeks now and measuring at 31, normal. Swelling and pain, normal. Not sleeping, normal. Being exhausted and having a hard time breathing, normal. Puking in my mouth, normal. Time for my Rhogam shot, normal.... or so I thought. Nope, apparently I have built up antibodies to the injection. Great. So they didn’t know whether or not to give it to me (my reg doc wasnt there). Apparently if they gave it to me they run a very high risk of the babies developing severe anemia, if they don’t give it and they end up with Matt’s blood type (A+, damn perfectionist) then there could be issues as well. Then if I don’t take it and end up getting pregnant again (which I am not wanting or planning but you never know) then the baby wouldn’t be able to survive since my body wouldn’t know what to do with it I guess. I’m not really clear on all this but now they have to run my blood again to check my titers(?) to make sure they are not too high and if they decide to give me the injection then they will have to run that blood test to make sure it doesn’t spike cuz then its dangerous to the babies.
It’s all very strange, but typical of this ride I suppose. My body likes to fight stuff off, till the bitter end. If its something that is helpful, it will try to F it up anyway. Apparently my body is really good at fighting and building antibodies and such. Fabulous. Couldn’t just get the shot and be done with it. Nope, not gonna happen. So now I have to go BACK to the hospital and get the shot. I’m trying not to take more time off of work since next Friday is my last day but just seems like there is always something else I have to do. Roger has got to think I am lying most times. I also have to make an appt for another IVIg treatment this week, not so sure that’s gonna happen. Each treatment takes at least 1.5 hours and they don’t start them until 8am - I start work at 8:30am.
Babies are running out of room in there, they were all squished up in there today. I have another scan 2 weeks from today along with an appt in IL at the specialist that week, then 2 weeks from then I will be seeing the OB weekly AND the peri 2x a week. Good thing they are in the same hospital! I have a non-stress test and some bio-something or other where they check their breathing and something else. How neat, I will be able to watch them breath! The things that they can and will do now, just amazing!

Im so much better, but....

Yesterday was my 3 week check up with the specialist in IL, well, actually, with the tech in IL. I almost never see the doc. Regardless, everything looks great and babies were boppin around. I have come a long, long, long way since the beginning about feeling more comfy about being pregnant and really believing that by the end of the year I will be a mother of 4. I still have my moments tho. Today, even after seeing them cruzin around just yesterday I got a wave of panic come over me. It was strange, it came out of nowhere, but it was strong. It was only strong for a few min and then I was much more manageable. Now, I am fine. Its so weird. I also go thru these weird emotions about loving being pregnant cuz I can feel them moving around and they are always with me to then wanting this to be over so I can walk w/out pain and put on regular shoes again. My hands and feet actually hurt. My hands hurt when I bend my fingers, I often wonder if this is how heavier people feel or if it is just the swelling that makes it difficult to move them. Either way, I just bounce back and forth. I never missed being pregnant with Harmony and Brayden, but I feel like I may have some sadness after I deliver these two. Maybe cuz this is deff my last go round with this stuff, maybe cuz we worked so hard to get here and then its over or maybe just cuz I’m a hormonal mess. I never had a problem saying I was “done” after Brayden was born, however, I was not having my tubes tied. But as I was looking around, I still (12 years later) have a bin full of baby clothes from the kids, their crib and porta-crib. Sure doesnt sound like a lady who was “done” having kids, does it? The crib and porta-crib are probably death traps so we are not using them - so why did I keep them? I have no idea, but they are gone as of this past weekend and I was ok with seeing them go. Very strange! It was weird to see those things out and watch the kids help move them around or take them to the garbage. They used to use those things and I could still picture them doing so, yet they were the ones moving them around. I guess I’m just in a weird place right now, my teenagers helping me get ready for babies. I guess it happens more and more now but I am no Duggar so this is weird to me, lol.

Harmony got to feel Maddux kicking the other day, it was pretty cool to see her face light up when she actually felt him move, it was very obvious that he was kicking her. She is having some issues and a hard time dealing with the new babies so it sure was cool to see her smile.

I can no longer sit Indian Style

or really any "style" for that matter. I am comfy for a lil bit then not so great and have to switch.

Anyway, not the reason for this post. 26 weeks and had a growth scan yesterday and it all went well. Babies are growing away just like singletons. Maddux is 2lbs and Alyssa is 1lb14oz. Both are in the 50th percentile. I still get nervous even tho I have so many u/s its hard to keep track. I dont feel Alyssa as much as i feel Maddux so I will start to worry that something is wrong sometimes. They both have anterior placentas so I am happy to feel anything but I asked the tech and she said that Maddux placenta is kinda by his head on top and Alyssa has a placenta that covers most of her body. She said that Maddux prob feels most of her kicks instead of me. They are both still breech and heartrates are pretty close to each other.
I will post the 3D pic we got of Maddux that is ok but nothing good of lil Aly, she kept putting her arms and hands in front of her face, she was not having any part of the pic taking.
Matt says Maddux looks like a frog but Harmony says he looks like an old man. She could pick out exactly where his face was and explained it to Matt cuz he said he couldnt see anything.
Babies still wont let anyone other than mommy feel their kicks/punches/movements. Each time someone puts their hand there, silence and calmness. Kinda funny. Matt says he will feel them when there are here.
I feel pretty crappy. The reflux meds seemed to work really well for 3 weeks or so of pure heaven but seems as tho they are loosing their magic. I now throw up in my mouth several times a day. Yuck. Doesnt matter what I eat either. I have an OB appt next week for yet another glucose test even tho I passed the first. I will ask him about the reflux at that point. I will not be looking at the scale from now on when I go to the OB. I have seen enuf! I will just now pretend I am not as big as I am and go on for the next 10 weeks in bliss. Plenty of time to diet after babies come!
I was able to give Roger an "end date" for working yesterday. Told him Sept 10th will be the end of the road for this preggo. He was fine with it, but what else is he gonna do. He still has not told me whether or not he will allow me to come as part time after babies are born. If not, I will find something else or watch a kid or 2 in the house part time. That will bring in just as much as working at the law office would so the only "bad" thing would be not being able to get dressed and out of the house at least 2x a week.
I look at Harmony and Brayden and can believe how old they are and how fast the time went and am so thankful I was able to be home with them just for those few years when they were little.
The "twin thing" is starting to freak me out more often now. Like how hard it will be and how much life will change in just a couple of months. All in a good way, but still freaky nonetheless.

Matt picked up the cribs and the dresser the other day. Dresser came in and I am slowly putting away clothes and diapers, etc in it. Cribs will prob come in next week and be put 2gether. Its like the slowest moving nursery ever. I wanna do it, I just have no energy to deal with it. Id love to have it painted, however, the thought of all that goes into that makes me sleepy so it may just stay blue, I'm sure Alyssa will not care :-)

Point of Viability! 24 weeks

Not that I would want them born now but it sure is a very nice milestone. U/s last week went well and babies growing well. This week I had an appt with my GP, OB and an u/s for cervical check with the peri. Good thing I got them all done with yesterday! Everything looks good, cept my HUGE feet and ankles, good lord they are so big! They are sayin it is "normal" and not to worry unless my BP goes up and for now it is good. They do want me to have my feet up as much as possible and wear compression socks, lol, entering old lady territory there but whatever will help cuz they kinda hurt now, along with my hands. The wedding ring will go on, however, only if I rinse my hands with cold water and then quickly put it on. I'm sure in a couple weeks that option will be gone. Had glucose test and all was fine even tho i messed it up and fasted for the night instead of just 2 hours. Blood was all fine except that i am anemic. Not a huge surprise tho, I was anemic when preg with Brayden and took iron and I'm always "borderline" anemic just on a regular day so now just taking iron to help that. I have been on them for 3 weeks now and feel nothing different so I think I need more. Doc said they will test for GD and anemia again in 3 weeks.
Kicks or punches are getting more intense which is fun but these lil stinkers know when someone elses hands are on my belly and wont move. I think they think its funny. They were moving, shaking and dancing around in there and so i yell for Harmony to hurry so she runs downstairs and throws her hand on the most active part. Silence, nothing, no movement at all for an entire 5 min that she patiently waited there. 5 min after she left they started again, my hand or arm on my belly and no probs at all. Maddux did it to Matt last night too. Frustrating but kinda entertaining at the same time.
Doc said they would write me out of work due to the back pain and swelling but I think I will push it a bit further as long as it is safe. Id love to go to part time but don't know how to even bring it up with Roger. I suppose it's like a band-aid and I just gotta do it. I don't want to, I'd rather have him ask me but I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with it either. We are thinking I should work til September - mid September but I am shooting more for Sept 1st. Maybe I can even work part time, like 3 days a week from Sept 1 to the end of Sept. Id love to not have to come back at all, not cuz i dont love my job, but cuz i love the babies more. I was lucky enuf to stay home for a few years when Harmony and Brayden were born and it was very important to me. If that is not possible then the most I will work is part time, whether it be here or another place. It is nice to get out of the house when you have lil ones so that may be a good option. I deff don't make enuf to cover daycare costs here so no point, plus, I didnt work this hard to have these babies in order to allow someone else to enjoy them during the day :-)
Hopefully no bedrest. So far so good on that front. They keep telling me that it could be strict bedrest every other week when I go and they are happy to see all is still going well in there. From the very beginning we were told that bedrest or hospital bedrest was gonna happen so its nice to have made it this far without.
Feeling pretty good considering - I'm sore and my back kills plus now I have this awful pain down my left side when I walk, but usually only when I have been down for a few hours, like a nap or a nights sleep. Prob has something to do with the back issues, but also the weight I am carrying. Its a lot for me, well, really anyone!
I'm looking forward to putting the nursery soon. The piano left on Monday so there is a lot more room in there. The entertainment center will go too. All the other crap in there just needs to find a home other than in that room. Id love to paint but we will see how that goes. Id LOVE to paint it either light brown or cream and then on one wall put huge stripes with the other color but that sure seems like a big chore right now. Maybe I will just plan that for the future. Or maybe it will just stay that weird blue it is now.
Found a great dresser and 2 cribs that are gorgeous - just gotta figure out where everything is gonna go in there - kinda like a puzzle!
Anyway, things are pluggin along and once the room is started and then finished this may all seem real..... babies in just a few months.... holy cow!

23 weeks

Yes, all my pictures are taken in the bathroom at work. Not pretty but it is what it is.
I am gonna write about it on here so family and friends don’t need to hear me talk about it over and over - feeling the babies move is so amazing. Even more amazing than I remember. It's crazy that I may have taken this for granted when I was pregnant with the Harmony and Brayden. What was my problem, how could I not see how amazing this was? I loved feeling them move, I really did, but not like this, not even close. I get butterflies each time I feel a kick, punch, flip or whatever is going on in there. I smile every time it happens. As much as I cant wait to have them in my arms, I really think I may miss having them with me at all times.
Ok, so here comes the weird, pregnancy crazy lady - cheesy talk. I feel like I am special or something cuz I am the only one who gets to feel them move. Like we have a bond already, hard to explain really but I look at Matt and think how sad it is that he cant experience this. I'm sure he could care less since he has no idea what he is missing. Again, I dont remember feeling like this when I was younger. I loved having them with me but I sure don’t remember thinking how lucky I was to be the ONLY person in the world who had that with them. It's pretty damn cool.
They are the size of footballs now, maybe even as big as an overinflated football (pretty much what I feel like most days, lol). I have an appt to see them at the specialist this week and looking forward to it. Its really neat to see them move on the screen after I feel them move.
As much as I hurt or end up peeing myself when I sneeze just feeling them move makes it all alright.

Good Golly Miss Molly!!

I have a lot of appointments! I thought I had a lot before but that as just a lil warm-up to what is in store for me now! I don’t quite know how I got to see so many doctors, but I do. Since I am “old” and having twins the OB sends me to have the ultrasounds done by a A Perintologist which is a fancy word for a high risk doctor, they spend an extra 2 or more years in college in specialized training. I also see the specialist every 2-3 weeks in Illinois for ultrasound and blood-work, Then see my OB every 3 weeks at this point for weight check (oh yippie!), measurements and such and now see the Perintologist every 2 weeks so he can check my cervix and every 4 weeks for growth ultrasound. Ummmm, yeah, not really sure how all of this is gonna work out since I only have ½ day a week off. I’m hoping that I can do the peri and the OB on the same days (most times) since they are in the same hospital and then they can all kinda fall in their own weeks but not quite sure if that’s the way it will go. If not, just more time off of work. Plus, the specialist STILL wants me to have IVIg treatments every 2-3 weeks but most of the time I can have it done while I am there, if not, then its just another appt here at the old RE’s office (the one who passed away).
I beginning to feel like the only thing I do is make and go to appts. It will only get worse as I get further along too. Its so very nice being monitored so closely, just wish it was in ONE place and ONE doctor since they all don’t agree on what my meds and plan of action should be. Oh well.
2 of the docs want me to stop the blood thinner injections and baby asprin but the specialist does not agree..... there is a lot of that going on!

At the growth u/s I had yesterday, Maddux was weighing in at 1lb 2oz and in the 45th percentile and Alyssa was weighing in it 1lb, 1oz. which is the 40th percentile. They are always so close - their heartbeats were 150 and 153 this time. They are obviously not identical, but they like to be similar. They also like to be breech, which is a-ok with me. Im sure they will turn the day b4 delivery just so I have to try to labor with them, sigh.
On a funny note about that, I was asked for the first time if they were identical AFTER I told this particular person I was having a boy and a girl. It was pretty funny cuz I said “yeah, they cant be since they are different sexes” and he (my orthodontist) got all flush and said “oh, yeah, that was really stupid, sure wish I could take that back”. I thought it was funny and I’m sure it wont be the 1st time I am asked that question.

I get to feel them more and more now - loving that! I used to be able to feel Maddux everyday but only if I was laying down on my left side. Now I feel them both moving around a lot more and even when I am sitting down. Sometimes its pretty hard even tho they are really small. I assume that is the time they are both doing something. Maddux seems more active tho.

I feel the end of my working days

..... every morning when I get up for work I think “there is no way I’m gonna make it thru this day”. I can only imagine its gonna get worse.
When I look at the picture it doesnt look that big - and then I stand up to walk and I am reminded that it IS that big - lol.

I’m only 5 months right now but in the twin world that feels like the end. Luckily I know a couple other twin mommas that I can talk to that confirm that I am not just being over dramatic.
I wanted to work til at least September but I just don’t see that happening. My back problems are even worse than b4 I got pregnant, obviously, and all my joints hurt unless I am laying on my side. I feel like what I felt like when I was a few weeks away from delivery with Brayden.
No complaints tho, every day that I wake up still pregnant and in pain is a good day. Just kinda venting I suppose.
I’m still very restricted to what I am allowed to do, still pelvic rest which means no lifting, walking too much, etc. BUT I really want to get the nursery done or somewhat done very soon so that if I am to be put on strict bed-rest or into the hospital I wont be freaking out about that. I know that babies could care less and that is fine but I wont have any time or energy to do anything once they are here so I’d like to get going on it now.
The room is full of crap that needs to be moved to another area of the house or GoodWill but I can’t physically do it and Matt is busy working or putting the pool up or diggin something in the backyard...... I don’t think he gets why I want to do it now even tho I have explained it - oh, a million times.
On a more fun note, I feel them moving around at least a few times a day, not quite as strong or as frequent as I would like but I will take what I am given right now. Both babies have anterior placentas so they keep telling me it will take awhile for me to feel the movements - I don’t get that since they are inside ME, but I’m not gonna argue with the docs :-)

Never gets old

Yesterday I had an ultrasound and it was pretty neat. I brought the kids along with and believe it or not Brayden was much more into it than Harmony. They both got bored pretty quickly when she started to measure the brains, leg bones, tummies, etc. They did think it was pretty darn cool to see them moving around in there and we saw baby girl waving and doing what looked like a fist pump but the best part of it was when baby boy looked to be doing baby squats. It was hilarious, up and down and up and down probably 5 or 6 times. She took a pic that I am posting. Its of the back of him, no head but baby back, legs and lil teeny baby boy butt. Super cute, I just wanna pinch it! :-)
Matt says I need to eat more cuz baby is too skinny, I said that’s prob why he was doing squats. He is obviously Matts son. I have plenty of fat he can take and considering he weighs about 10 oz, he looks pretty good :-)
Baby girls pic is of her being all cute and cuddled up, hands in front of face, legs crossed just like a lady. Its hard to see since they are 4d pics.
I am just shy of 19 weeks now and have another u/s next week that Matt will be able to come to. They are also doing “genetic counseling” with us which I think is ridiculous. Little late for that, dontcha think?!?!? I am not gonna let them sit and tell me all the things that “could” be wrong since we chose to be pregnant “at my age” but I will allow them to tell me what type of tests my kids should have since I have 4 mutated genes that I can pass to them. Any reason to go and see the babies again tho. This is the OB’s gender u/s..... I wont tell them that we already know....shhhhh.

The flood gates have opened and I have started buying.... watch out checkbook! I buy at least one package of diapers and wipes each week, sometimes 2 if it’s a good sale and looking at clothes but harder to buy those not knowing if they will be super little or “normal size” so only bought a few super cute things on clearance so far. I have a girlfriend that had twins 4 months ago and they are on a preemie formula - she is spending $100 each week on formula so I am hoping that I can BF a lil bit, to off set some of that cost. With buying diapers and wipes each week I hope that will help too when the babies come and I am not working.

Not sure how much longer I will be working either. Specialist says all ok for now as long as I continue to do what I am doing, which is pretty much nothing. I go see them every other week and so each time I will know whether or not I have another 2 weeks to work. No tears or bleeding **knock on wood** as of now so that is good too. Blood flow is perfect so i can stay on the the lower dose of lovenox injections and i am completely off the progesterone AND the steroid. Being off the steroid is nice, the acne seems to be clearing up but i think thats where a lot of the pain is coming from. I think i could bathe in Tylenol and still be unable to get up and walk w/out pain. Oh well.... NO complaining here.... wanted this and so happy to have it!!!

I like things even

I have been like that since I can remember. Even numbers of things, cept my fav number of 3 (dont ask), things stacked in the cupboard evenly, etc. We have a son, a daughter, a girl dog, a boy dog and now we have another girl and boy on the way! Brayden seems to have my "even issue" cuz when he was told, he said "cool, now things will still be even in the house".

I think we will need to get another Guinea Pig in the female form tho since Rocky is messing up the "even-steven-ness" that we have going on :-)

I would have been happy with whatever we were having but I was really holding out for at least one girl and how fun would TWO twincesses be???? But I also really wanted Matt to be able to have a son. I know how important that seems to be to men. We have struggled so long and pushed so hard for this and it still doesnt seem real, maybe when I go into labor or am actually holding 2 healthy babies, I'm not quite sure when it will hit me.

Matt wants each of us to name one baby and the baby we dont name we name the middle name.... sounds fair, but I would really rather just agree on names, i mean, we are adults, we should be able to find 4 names that we both like, right? LOL, yeah, with Matt and I, that is not an easy thing to do.

The tech was funny yesterday cuz Baby "A" (the boy) was showing his stuff no problem and she really really needed to look and search for the sex of Baby "B" (as the tech put it "not a boy"), she being a lil more modest. Makes sense, Brayden still would walk around naked and show off his stuff if we let him.

Back to life, back to reality....

Fridays u/s went well and I was released to go to Disney - only if I stayed in a wheelchair. I was a lil annoyed by that but by the 3rd day I sure was grateful for that thing!
Disney was great - way too short - but great. I love that the kids are fun to be around now and are willing to go on rides (for the most part).
I figured I would toss a pic of here of my growing belly. Yow-za, I thought my 10 week belly bump was big..... it was nothing!
I took this today (yes, in the bathroom) and i think i am in my 16th week now. Maybe the 15th tho, cant keep that straight.
Feeling ok, weaning off the steroids so I assume that is why my joints hurt. Hoping the puffiness and acne will go along with the steroids tho.
Still on modified bedrest, that will continue until strict bedrest comes - hopefully later rather than sooner.
We are hoping the less I do now the longer I will be able to work. Makes sense, right? :-)

Anxiously awaiting the Disney trip...... got the braces off, getting my hair done Wed after work and new contacts on Thursday......
Seeing the babies never gets old, I got to see them yesterday and will go back again on Friday afternoon. Love that!
I have also gotten to decrease my prednasone dose and will continue to do that until i am on 5mg and then i think they park me there for awhile but not sure. But I am really hoping some of this puffiness and ance will leave along with the prednasone - good lord! Ive only gained 6 or 7 pounds so i know that my face being all fat isnt from the weight gain!
Babies are looking good, measuring 3 and 4 days ahead and she said that is normal. They have everything where it needs to be and are the size of a large orange now. I'm hoping we can find out if they are boys/girls or one of each very soon. Looking forward to being able to call them him/her. Makes it much more real once you can call them a name, however, they will prob be nameless children since Matt and I will never agree on names.

Trying to keep up with all the appointments!

Last week I was in IL twice, this week I was there once already and to the OB already and will have a treatment at my old RE’s office on Thursday morning. Next week I will be getting braces off, to IL twice and to the eye doctor. Phew, Im exhausted already! I do love seeing those babies tho :-)
So...... babies are doing well and growing like crazy which is wonderful! I started weaning off the steroids and soon the progesterone. The Blood flow is still a concern for baby A, when I am on the lovenox its perfect for both babies, but if I am bleeding or spotting I cant take the lovenox and baby A’s blood flow gets all screwy so then back on the lovenox and prob another tear. Kinda goes hand and hand I suppose. I really hope some of this bloating and puffiness will leave with the weaning of the steroids. I may be able to go off the metformin as well, yay, less pills to swallow down each day!
OB was able to find the HB’s right away this time and I am measuring at 17 weeks and am 13 weeks, I guess that is normal for twin pregnancy tho.
Wasn’t able to get anymore 3D pics of the babies, they move around way too much now. She said you cant get a good 3D or 4D picture when they are this active.
Tech at the specialist also said she was gonna try and check gender next Friday but she wasnt sure that she would be able to see anything. I am 13 weeks now and she said sometimes at 14 weeks they can tell but that the next week would be easier. Then my OB will do another scan in between 18-20 weeks for gender and to measure all the limbs and check the organs. Love having all these u/s’s!
Looking forward to the Disney Vacation!

Follow up appointment

My specialist in IL didn’t want met to wait to come in on Thursday so she had another doc scan me at their office this morning. She took me off the Lovenox completely when I started to bleed a week ago Sunday.
I haven’t bleed **knock on wood** or had any brown yuck for at least 3 days, yay! However, there is a bleed that has not started to clot just yet, which makes me think it’s a NEW bleed - why wouldn’t I be bleeding from that if it was the same one? Who knows.
What I do know is that the blood flow to one of the babies is not the best, not where they want it so I will need to go back on the blood thinner injections but they don’t want me to if I am bleeding or have a “bleed”..... tricky stuff there. So now I am just waiting on the docs call to see what the next plan is. The doc that scanned me said that she would want me back in 3 days for another scan, great, more time off of work and another 2.5 hours in the car! Sure do love seeing those babies tho, so I guess there is always a pay off when I go out there :-)

They have lowered my steroid pill to 25/day instead of the 30 and hoping we can go down again real soon. I’m getting super “puffy” in the face and the acne is killing me! Plus she had said she wanted me off by 12 weeks..... I’m 12 weeks now..... whoops!
Im also hoping to be able to cut back or go off the progesterone but we shall see about that. With the bleeding and the “bleeds” in the uterus I don’t think me getting off progesterone is their main concern right now.
They don’t want me at work but since I sit all day and take the elevator they ok’d me as long as I wasn’t actively bleeding so that is good.
The babies were moving around today and it was pretty darn cool to see. A few weeks ago baby B twitched while we had an u/s but tech said it wasn’t voluntary and now the babies are moving cuz they wanna. Pretty neat to watch them bop around in there. Once it looked like they did a “head-butt” but obviously since they have their own sacs it isn’t possible but sure looked that way.

Had a minor panic, freak out over the last few days but glad I was able to keep it under control for the most part.
I am just now getting used to being pregnant and talking about the future with these babies as part of our family and then Mothers Day crept up on me. Last Mothers Day I got “the call” that my numbers had gone down (after progressing very nicely twice) and that I would miscarry yet again. Was a hard call on any day but it was a lil extra cruel on that day. I was able to enjoy the day because of family, the hubs and the 2 children that I have but not before I cried and lost my mind first. It was not cool. So remembering that made me freak a lil bit. Remembering how painful it was sent me into a tizzy thinking about how this could end up the same. I kept it under control and enjoyed the weekend! Of course I know that things don’t have to end up the same each time and that we are ok but being rational doesn’t really come into your mind when you are having a panic attack. Too bad cuz I’m pretty sure that would stop them. Oh well, learning to live with them and getting better at not letting them get out of control so that is good.

I would have rather peed myself

**Things I never thought I would say**
Sunday I stood up from the couch and felt a gush...... thought to myself "did you just pee yourself, please let me have peed myself". But I didn't, it was blood and I freaked. Obviously.
Went over to ER and after 2 HOURS they finally gave me an u/s to see if the babies were ok. Ugh, 2 hours. Why would they take my blood, blood pressure, temp, do a pap, etc THEN check for heartbeats? What would any of that matter if they were gone? Whatever, I wasn't in my right mind otherwise I would have asked.
Both babies were there snug in my uterus and moving around with heartbeats, thank goodness! Heartrates were great and they labeled me as a "threatened miscarriage" and a subchorionic bleed. Which from what i can understand is when the placenta tears away from the uterus and bleeds. They don't know why people get them and there is nothing you can do to cause them or keep them away. Some of the "lucky ones" just get to have them. Lucky me.
I was put on modified bed rest with no work until I could see the doctor. I saw my regular OB and the nurse over at old RE's yesterday and babies were still good. I was told I could come to work 2day but to use the elevator, etc.
I guess what you need to be careful with these is making them bigger. They can go away on their own and cause no issues at all but if they get bigger instead of smaller then they will make you miscarry. So if I wasn't on "light duty" before I sure as hell am now.
Every cramp makes me think but I am trying to stay positive. The specialist said this could happen cuz of the blood thinner injections so this was not a complete shock - just didn't want it to happen. Would have rather have been the person who didn't bleed while pregnant and on blood thinner - wishful thinking I suppose.

Double Digits!

Entering week 10 of this pregnancy - YAY! This pregnancy could not be moving slower for me but getting closer to the wonderful 2nd trimester!
Baby A is on top and he/she was laying weird so the pic is wacky. The baby was laying upside down kinda like on the placenta, as if using it like a body pillow or something. Baby B was chilling upright and in perfect position for a photo op!

U/s was yesterday and babies both growing and thriving the way they should.
Its amazing all that you can see, they have their lil brains so their heads are no longer empty, they look more like actual babies and less like aliens or blobs now. their interestines are still in the amblilical cord but their lil hearts are beating and beating quickly. They are the size of prunes but much cuter and have graduated and are now called "fetus's" instead of "embryos".

I will be going for another double dose treatment of IVIg next week, however the tech is on vacation (how dare she) so she wont be able to scan me next week. I am hoping that they will let me do the treatment here at my RE's office instead of driving all the way there but who knows what the doc will want. I just hate to take more time off if i dont need to since i have my 1st OB appt next week. Im going to try to talk them into doing an u/s at the OB just so i can see them next week and dont have to wait the whole 2 weeks to see them again but we shall see :-)

I am feeling good all in all but exhausted all the time, esp at night. Im not throwing up but i have headaches all day and I am irritable most of the time. Plus, I have the WORST acne, geesh, its like worse than a 16yr old fry cook for crying out loud! Every day I wake up to another zit and my back and chest are horrible, super ugly. I'm quite sure I am gaining weight since my clothes are all tight and most pants dont button and if they do, they are not staying that way for long. I think I would must rather have the symptoms I have instead of throwing up. That is no fun at all.

Ahhhhhh..... to be more like Brayden

I envy Brayden, for a lot of reasons - He lives in the moment, doesn’t plan ahead and loves life (most times). When he is happy, he is really happy and life is good, on the flip side, when life stinks for him, it really stinks but for the most part he is a happy kid. He has always had the best laugh. When he was a baby he would laugh and laugh all the time (in-between puking) and it was the most contagious laugh - a real belly laugh.
Anyhoo - the reason I bring it up is cuz from the very beginning he has been so into this cycle, the IVF and the pregnancy. He never thought it wouldn’t work, never crossed his mind that something could go wrong with the babies and asks me about them several times a day. He may be more happy about the babies than I am - if that is even possible. He asks me about food that I am eating and if I shouldn’t be eating “more healthy” choices (how adorable, right - ugh, good time to teach him commenting on what a lady eats is not a good idea tho) and just is happy and confident that we will have 2 babies come November. I wish I was more like that. Harmony takes more after me and has my nervous tummy. I would have liked her to be less like me in that way. I know I was like that as a kid but as a teen and young adult I was more like Brayden. Life was good, even when it sucked.

I had another u/s yesterday and everything was fine. Babies are exactly where they need to be in growth and no problems, the mini tear in my uterus has healed so all around good news. I cried all the way to the appt which is an hour away. I don’t even know why. Friday I got a “bad feeling” and tried to not let it bother me, but of course it did. Last week Tues and Wedn I felt so good about everything and I think that after being so comfy with everything, Friday hit me and I figured it would all be taken from me. It is so silly, it really is and logically I know this, however, it doesn’t stop the panic attacks. I don’t think that anyone could truly understand these feelings unless they have gone thru it. I know people can try and I appreciate then allowing me to freak every once and awhile. I am getting better and I hope that it will continue to get better with each good week.
What I can come up with is after everything I don’t feel “worthy” of these babies, it’s a completely different feeling than when I was pregnant with Harmony and Brayden. I felt happy to be pregnant with them, I felt lucky to have them but never didn’t feel “worthy”. I wish I could just figure out who to send the “thank you” card to and then move on, hahahaha. Of course we are worthy of these babies, of course we deserve these babies and I am hoping as time passes I will begin to feel that in my heart and the panic will stop. It isn’t anywhere near as bad as it was so that is good. I just sometimes feel like if I get too comfy with all this it will be taken away. I don’t know why I feel that way but I do. I suppose that is why they are not rational fears.

I lost a pound since the 1st time I saw Dr Kwak-Kim. Yippie, lol. That was many many months ago tho so that cant be where I started from but I will take the 1 pound either way. We wont mention that I have gained 20+ in the last 3 years of this baby making journey....... we will just go with the 1 pound loss. I know I have gained since my clothes dont fit but it was nice to not see a 10 pound gain when I stepped on the scale like I was imagining. My doc doesnt weigh me, they dont care about weight there so I went on the scale just to see while I was there for the double dose of IVIg yesterday. You get kinda bored when you are hooked up to an IV for 3.5 hours!

Got a doppler last night and of course I couldnt figure it out or find the babies HB's but i know they are there since i had just seen each of them on the u/s just hours before. Its prob too early right now and I didnt even freak out - can you believe that? Craziness I tell ya! I will be watching the video tonight and hopefully I will be able to find them. I did find 2 HB's but they were very low, like in the 80's and at the doc both of them were in high 180's. One was 182 and one 185 so what I was finding couldnt have been the babies.
Once I do find those HB's tho watch out cuz I will be trying to figure out a way to strap that sucker on my body so I can hear them all day/night! Im sure you all wouldnt be surprised if I did figure out how to do that :-)

Another week down.....

Up until 12 weeks I will have an ultrasound every week - yay! I went in last Thursday but they didn't have room for me on Thursday or Friday so i got to go in early - yesterday. I didn't mind at all :-)
Its crazy how much the babies grow in just 5 days. They are looking less blob-like and more alien-like now. Pretty fun!
Both babies are measuring exactly 8 weeks and their heartbeats are exactly the same at 169. Crazy, they are competitive already. Deff gotta be Matt and my babies! The tech thought that was funny cuz most times they measure a lil off and HB's are not the same like that. Cute lil buggers.
I'm feeling a lil queasy all day but what is worse are the constant headaches and "shaky feeling". I'm eating so its not that making me shaky, not quite sure what that is all about but part of pregnancy i assume.
During the u/s they found a tear and a bleed. They were not surprised at all since i am on lovenox this happens a lot. The good news is that it is small and my body already started to clot it and take care of it. I am not allowed to take the blood thinner (lovenox) injections at all for the next few days and when I start back up again I can only take 60mg/day instead of the 100mg/day that I was taking. I am also on more light duty. Not that anyone really let me do anything b4 this u/s but now i have to be even more careful. I talked the doc into letting me go to work only cuz I sit at a desk all day. Promised her I would take the elevator and wouldn't bend/lift at work then go home and put my feet up. They didn't seem overly alarmed by the bleed so I'm gonna take from them and not be overly alarmed. Life will be slow for a bit but it does have to go on. Things to do - yanno.
She told me not to shop, which i thought was a funny thing to bring up, but she said the extra walking, bending, trying things on, etc can stress the uterus and make the tear bigger which is not what they want. Im so exhausted that shopping is not on my list of things to do anyway so Im alright with that for now!
The babies each have so much already! They are forming ears now or at least the holes for the ears and they each have a placenta and cord already. Its so neat to see it all so early. This pic is 3D so it looks weird but you can see that they have huge heads and lil arm and leg buds from the pic. Baby A is on the left and is in a better position to be able to see all that stuff. Looks like a lil gummy bear right now.

Another round of Happy Tears

We had another u/s yesterday and got to see both babies thriving and those lovely flickering heartbeats. We got to see the whole in their heads where the brain will go, each of their spines and lil arm and leg buds for each of them. Absolutely amazing! I had a few tears, tears of joy this time but nothing like that time. At least I was able to keep my composure somewhat this time, lol.
Its crazy how much you can see at this point, I mean they aren’t any bigger than a blueberry.
She gave us a 3d pic which really looks like a blob for each of them but they are gorgeous nonetheless.
I asked for a due date and I need to make an appt with my OB. They don’t actually give “twin due dates” which I thought was weird but what do I know. They said my due date is Nov 22, 2010 but that they would be happy if I made it to the end of October. Lil pumpkins we shall have. Or lil turkeys if they feel like hanging out there longer. Either is fine by me.

My natural killer cells are not good news tho. They don’t want to give up the fight. Stupid things, just give up and be gone. You never want to hear your doc say “we just don’t see numbers that high here” or “we have a handful of patients that we have seen this on”, etc. Esp when she is using air quotes when she says “handful” ugh.
They should be under 12%, mine are 46%. Almost half - not cool. I did another double dose of the IVIg and they have me on the steroids still but she says that I have to wean eventually cuz its not safe to stay on them much longer and deff not past the 20 week mark. Then she started on about all the crap that can and will happen - toxemia, pre-eclampsia, bone density issues and then the best part was when she started talking about how once the babies are big enuf to fight off the Nkcells then they will attack my liver and such. Very nice. Its not like this is new to them so I’m not afraid she doesn’t know but she said she cant give me a permanent answer on how many more weeks of IVIg or steroids or medication I will be on cuz it’s a balance of everything and everyones body is different. Oy!
Isnt it funny how I am not afraid of what will happen to MY body but if something is said about the babies health I freak and over-react? Its gotta be a mom thing. I dunno but its strange.

Symptoms?

I have been thinking about this not having “symptoms” (the symptoms I feel I should have) thing a lot and since I was able to go thru 2 pregnancies and not have this fear of m/c it makes me think about it more.
When I was pregnant with Harmony and Brayden I never had a fear of losing them so i was fortunate enuf to be able to go thru those pregnancies differently. I saw a positive pregnancy test and so then I was having a baby, no questions. This is a bit different for obvious reasons. I have a new appreciation for how this all works, kinda missing the young lady I was before but also glad that I can be so appreciative for something that is truly a miracle.
I don’t feel “good” or “normal” so I guess these are my symptoms for now. I mean, if I had not gone thru all this fertility stuff and treatments, m/c’s etc I would prob be complaining so much more about how crappy I feel. But I always feel so crummy during IVF I figure that I haven’t really felt “normal” for quite some time so maybe im just used to this feeling. I have headaches most of the time, bloated like I am 4 months along and sometimes upset tummy and dizzy so I suppose that is what it is for now.
I’d like to consider myself lucky since I am not huggin the toilet several times a day and have to remind myself that I never once threw up with either of the pregnancies that made it to term. However, with twins I was assuming it would be awful, plus the fact that I am no spring chicken would also make it worse. Oh well, it is what it is and I cant make myself sick so I will try to enjoy the small amount of symptoms I have here.
Its not that I want to throw up or be crazy sick, I mean honestly, who likes to throw up and feel like shit for weeks/months? It would just make me feel like it was real, like it was really gonna happen and work for us this time. Maybe I am being rewarded for all the other hell by not having awful sickness? Maybe its cuz of all the vitamins and meds I am on, my body is fine and healthy for once? I don’t know but I sure want to know. I want an answer that I know I wont even have. As long as everything is ok then I should just count my blessings - which are not throwing up several times a day and two healthy heartbeats from last weeks ultrasound. I will try to fixate on those right now.

TWO BABIES AND BOTH HAVE HEARTBEATS!!!

OMG, I cant remember a more exciting day - I felt like my heart was going to just fall right out of my body as I was waiting for her to say that all was ok. I don’t remember walking into the u/s room, or getting undressed but I do remember shaking while I was waiting. She saw the heartbeat #1 and then #2 b4 I did and I thought that was gonna be hard cuz I was looking and looking very hard!
I think the last time I felt that type of excitement or rush was when the kids were actually born. It was amazing. I shook the rest of the time I was there and when I got up to stand I thought my knees may buckle. It was a strange feeling. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was in total shock.
Both babies have great HB right now, 120 and 124 which is fast, but very normal for a baby at this point. Baby B’s gestational sac is smaller than it should be but nobody seems to be really concerned about that since it is growing. I guess what they don’t want is for the baby to grow and not the sac cuz they baby would run out of room. We are so hoping that both babies continue to fight, grow and progress the way they should.
I cried, and cried a lot, at the ultrasound which is totally not like me. I never cried at the u/s that went badly. Its not that I don’t cry, I just don’t cry in front of people. The shower is my “break-down and lose it place” however I just couldn’t control it. The tears came and they didn’t let up the whole time. I even apologized to the u/s tech cuz I couldn’t believe I was letting go in front of her. Not a typically Chelsea response but that’s ok.

After all the excitement died down, I was exhausted. More exhausted than I think I have ever been. My body and brain could not do anything. I think I used up every ounce of energy before the u/s and then afterwards just being shaky and happy.
I started to think about how lucky we are right now and how happy I am right at this moment but then wondering why we got so “lucky” which is weird since for the last 3 years I have been saying how we deserve this. Its weird, once you are given something you then wonder if you are deserving. Its hard to explain.

Anyway, we can breathe for now, I will have an u/s every week to measure babies growth and make sure all is well. I had my blood drawn yesterday to see about the natural killer cells and to see if I need a treatment next week or if I can push it to every 2-3 weeks. It will all depend on what the blood-work says.

Im super bloated and my pants are really uncomfy so I try to wear stretch or the bellaband thingy which is very nice, obviously invented by a lady who was sick of not being able to wear regular clothes while preggo or post. Im not hungry but I can eat if that makes sense. I am just not interested in eating but don’t really have any aversions that would keep me from eating. I sure hope that I end up being one of those “lucky” ones who doesn’t end up with horrible morning sickness but only time will tell. I read that most twin preggos are sicker than dogs by now so I’m just hoping that isnt a bad sign. I don’t feel great, I have headaches pretty much all day and feel dizzy and a lil sick to my tummy from time to time but nothing crazy. I never threw up with either of the pregnancies with the kids, just felt crappy for a few months so maybe thats just how my body is. I did, however, GAIN over 80 pounds with each pregnancy - ouch!

Patience.......

Numbers are looking good, they went from 5790 to 14,751 in 4 days which is good enuf for me and for the doc! My progesterone is thru the frickin roof tho, its coming in anywhere from 160-180 and “normal and adequate” is anywhere from like 20-40 or something. Its crazy that I am even able to wear pants or stay awake long enuf to put pants on! Talked to the doc and said that I could take 2 more shots and then discontinue them. So I will take one wed night and one Friday night then done. Now, to be perfectly honest I don’t hate the shots. They hurt and I have bruises and lumps and bumps all over my backside but I feel afraid to stop. I am kinda afraid to lose the “symptoms” that it gives me, for fear that I wont have any at all! I don’t care much for the prometrome (sp, wrong but its progesterone just like the injections) pills that I take, they make me groggy and would rather have stopped those instead of the shots but I will do what they say!
I will still take 2 injections/day but those are in the belly and I have lumps, bumps and bruises on that side too!
I made the appt for another u/s on Thursday. I could have made it for Wednesday but I fear that would be too soon to see a beating heart (or 2) and then I would freak so I guess I am learning some patience with this whole process. Better to wait I am thinking. Hopefully I will be rewarded for that patience!

BTW, we saw TWO sacs at the last u/s. Both gestational sacs had yolk sacs in them which is a good thing and all you can expect to see at the week mark I was last week. The gestational sac on Baby "A" was way bigger than Baby "B" but the yolk sacs were pretty close in "age" so the doc didnt seem concerned since they could have implanted a day/two apart and hopfully baby "B" will catch up and do just fine.
I was so excited to see that - I would LOVE to have twins. Two for the price of one in this situation. I love that my kids are close together in age, I still watch them hang out and kid around with each other and love that. I didnt have any siblings and always wanted someone to talk to or play with or hang out with and was so happy to be able to give that to my children. Obv Harmony and Bray would hold a diff role with a child born into their lives at this point. They wont be playing togethter or sharing problems or growing 2gether. Thats why I would love to have double trouble - so this child doesnt have to be an "only child". But of course i would be thrilled to see one beating heart as well!!!
Of course I know that we could go in at the end of the week and see no heartbeat on either or just on one and I would be thrilled to see a beating heart but trying not to get too wrapped up in the twin thing since I know so much can change, plus my numbers (or lack of m/s) really dont indicate twins at all. It sure is hard tho.

The plan of attack is as follows:

My numbers have been wacky for a few days, guess thats what you get for testing them every other day!

I will be going in for a double dose of the IVIg treatment cuz even tho my NKC are in the “normal” range, they are way more aggressive than they should be. Those lil bastards wont let me be, I swear, geesh. They were at 61%, then after treatment went to 47% then to 34% and they want them lower than 12% so hopefully this double dose will do it. I am also now taking 4x/day 10mg of prednisone instead of just 2x/day. I just am gonna be extremely sore and exhausted from it. It makes you feel like you worked out, just without the “pump” feeling afterwards. Just makes my body feel lazy and like I worked out too hard, kinda fatigued. Nothing serious, nothing I cant handle but I can assume with the double dose it will feel moreso. Thats ok, I’ll make it. Wouldnt you know it tho, Saturday, bright and early, I signed Harmony and I up to volunteer to help set up for the Autism Ball and then Bray has baseball practice. Im sure we will be fine :-)

Now, onto something that has nothing to do with fertility. I am so pissed. We got a letter from the school that Brayden is in SEVERE threat of being held back due to reading and math. Ummmmm, yeah, no shit, thats why I asked them to evaluate him last year when he was struggling. They did that and said all was fine, THEN miraculously he was on the Honor Roll, just months after them telling me that he was close to failing. Interesting that now he is failing again - his work has not changed, they just didnt want to have to pay for him to have the IEP. That is what my thought is anyway. Seems a lil too convenient that he is failing, then after I request an IEP then he is “great” and on the honor roll, now he has a reading level of 4th grade. He is a 6th grader. So all of a sudden, over the summer he got stupid where last year he was on the honor roll? Whatever, stupid. And MPS doesnt want student to be held back so its not like they wouldnt push him thru if they could, if he was in a normal district he would have already been held back years ago.
He is the youngest in his class, he is always struggling so a few months ago matt and I thought maybe it may be best for everyone if we chose to hold him back and put him in another district to “start fresh”. No one would know he was held back since no one would know him, he wouldnt need to feel the embarrassment of being held back but you woulda thought matt and I had offered to put him back into K4 for crying out loud. His dad and the therapist went wack-o out of their minds and now brayden is not wanting to do it.
Im pissed for a lot of reasons but mostly cuz I see that I put him in school too early. He needed the structure and I needed to get a full time job and couldn’t afford day-care as a single mom so full time kindergarten was the way to go. He tested in just fine but seems like each year he would fall just a lil more behind. If he got a fresh start I just feel like he may feel “smart” for once instead of always feeling out of place - maturity and he is smaller than everyone else.
Ugh, venting session on that over. Now I have to go and make an appt with the therapist so we can talk about this more.

This is what I get for being somewhat relieved/excited

They found a baby and yolk sac so that is all they were looking for at this point. I am in my 5th week still.
I have pictures and looks like 2 or 3 black holes but only one had a white yolk sac in there so she said either the others are blood (and I may start to spot, great) or they were babies that didnt progress that my body will reabsorb.
I was secretly (or not really even secretly) hoping for twins since I love the my kids have each other and are close in age but I am more than thrilled with the outcome of todays u/s.

And then the blood work comes - cant catch a frickin break with this bullshit.
Monday 2142 - great increase, I think it was like 94%
Today 3362 - shitty increase, not even “adequate” so I have a call into the specialist to see what they want me to do.
They did not drop so that is a good thing. I just don’t feel like I can ever feel good or comfy about any of this because then I am quickly reminded about how it can and prob will be taken from me.
*sigh* pitty party for me.

The nurse felt pitty for me and called super early with my numbers for friday, bless her heart.
They went up to 798 which is a 74% increase, again good. I was hoping for more but this is still a good rise according to everything i can find on line, lol. Naw, the nurse said it was fine too but they wished they were higher too. So her and I are on the same overacheiver page for this pregnnacy. Good to know.
Even with the rise, I talked to the nurse in Illinois and after talking to Matt he and i decided we would feel more comfy doing another IVIg treatment friday instead of waiting for my numbers on Monday or Tuesday. My natural killer cells (just in the uterus) started at 41% and then were like 32% and they like to see them under 12. Our thoughts were why wait, its not like we are gonna win the lottery between Friday and Monday so we felt it was best to do another treatment on Friday. The nurse finally got a hold of the doc at around 1 and said that she agreed with what matt and i had thought so to get in the car and come out. I was there by 2:10. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding boss who happens to be in the sunny state of Arizona so the sunshine probably helped him not to be annoyed with me leaving yet again this week.
Anyway, went out there, got the treatment and came home. No reaction at all so the problem the other day was just where they had placed it. I will not be having it put into the arm/elbo anymore. Just the hands.
They also did a bloodflow u/s and she said it was PERFECT, i like perfect, i like it a lot.
Today i sit and wait again for test results...... seems to be my life at this point but i am ok with that. Means that i am pregnant right now and i am thankful for that.
I talked to my therapist this weekend about a lot of the feelings that i have and liking to be in control and feeling lost a lot in life now and wondering why i cant just be happy and think its gonna be alright.
I kept saying to her "i'd love to be wrong and be holding a baby in my arms in november but i cant shake it" and then we came up with the fact that i dont like to look stupid, in any situation and to me being wrong is stupid, esp if i continue to feel and tell everyone that everything is fine and then its not.
But coming back to wanting to be wrong in this particular situation and why wouldnt i feel "stupid" then? Why do i want to be wrong then? Figured out that if i am "wrong" about not miscarrying then i win and the feeling of happiness takes over being "wrong". I get to have the baby but if i continue to say everything is gonna be alright and then its not then I have the pain of losing the pregnancy as well as feeling like an ass for believing it could actually happen for us.
I'm working on changing that since I'd like to be different, I'd like to feel like we are deserving and that it will happen for us.

Hmmmm...... interesting horoscope for today

Your Daily Horoscope: March 18, 2010
Virgo
Some ongoing events in your life seem to be coming to a climax today, Virgo. You should be seeing the results of your efforts in a given area or project soon. In fact, everything is so close to completion that it may be better to put your focus on the future instead of dealing with the anxiety of waiting for results. Count your blessings, review what has been learned, and start trying to figure out what's next and how to go about doing even better with it.

Not that I base my life or days on this but funny the way this is worded today - anxiety waiting on results..... maybe its time for me to go see my Tarot Card Lady to see whats in store :-)

Day 2, no POAS and I think I'm ok.......

So today is day 2 of no testing at home which I think I may have licked it. I didn't even think about it today when I got up. Maybe the worst of that addiction is over, lol.

As far as the number game I am playing here with my pregnancy, I am a wreck. I go back and forth but I am trying to stay positive. I am a person who deals with the facts - I'm not a "dreamer" but sometimes I really wish I was. Like now for instance.
My first beta was 63.1
Second jumped to 282 (3 days but the 2 day increase was 170%)
Third one was 459.1 (2 days and only an increase of 64%).
Now, an increase of 64% is considered "adequate but low" so I should be happy and relieved however, I am fearful (what a surprise!). Any doc will tell you that a beta level will "double" in 48-72 hours so they consider a rise of 60% adequate (they like at 66% but will take 60%) so not bad news at all - i just really liked the feeling of being an overachiever, not having to worry. I liked that a lot. For 2 days I felt good, positive and hopeful. I even allowed myself to go back and look at the baby name document I have had here at work. it has been almost a year since I have opened that and read thru it.

I have read until my eyes bled about all this and there are a few possibilities:
1. Everything is fine.
2. I had a few embryos stick and 1 stopped progressing and all will be fine.
3. My pregnancy will not stick and beta numbers will drop and body will m/c.
4. Blighted Ovum (where the you end up with a baby but baby stops growing - like my 2nd IVF)

Obviously I would love #1 or #2 but with my history I continue to come back to #3 or #4.
I went back to the notes from my last IVF and something similar happened with my numbers during that time, most of them were great but always on the "low" side of ok.
It is very possible since I had 6 embryos put in that more than 1 "stuck" and now only the strong is surviving. My numbers are still within the "Normal" range for where I am in the pregnancy so I should just be happy with that. I'm trying and I know what I would tell someone else in this situation but I would only be telling them that to be nice. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. I don't think I have always been like this but with everything that has happened in the last few years it sure is hard not to be. I would love to be different, but its just who I am. My life is good, I don't consider myself an unlucky person or plagued with terrible things, I am very fortunate and I know this. I just do have a black cloud following me in this particular situation. I am healthy, have a great hubby, better kids than I deserve and friends and family that would do anything in their power for me - I am not saying my life is not good cuz it is. I have always said that my life is always "even" like if something really great happens to me, then something else will come along and "even" it out. We get a work bonus, the breaks on the car go out - things like that. I am not unlucky or lucky, kinda just in the middle.

Its not like if I prepare for the worst its gonna feel any better if it happens so why not just have my head in the clouds and know that everything is gonna be all right? Wish I knew how and I have tried, I just cant.
So I take Valium to help. Over the last few years my panic attacks have gotten worse, WAY worse than what they were in the past. I have always been a lil high strung, however, these are not controllable like in the past. My heart will start to pump so hard and I get dizzy then my hands start to shake and I cant move. It will be triggered by something stupid like going to dinner with friends or family, doesn't have to be anything that would cause panic like this situation. Then I get mean and seclusive cuz I want everyone to leave me alone, partly cuz I am embarrassed about how ridiculous it all is and partly cuz I dont like anyone to see me not in control.
Therapy helps I suppose but sometimes when I am there I feel like I dont want to talk about the stuff even to her, so stupid since that is what she is there for. I feel like I dont want her to know that I am not in control. How goofy, lol.

My name is Chelsea and I am addicted to POAS!

I'm officially out of pregnancy tests and I have said I am not buying anymore but I honestly do feel like a crack addict. I got down to taking them only 2x a day and that was good - I could go in and look at them and make sure the newest was darker than the last but now I am out and I would like to stop testing. Im just not sure I can. I have never been "addicted" to anything but this I am and I truly need a group or something. I was a smoker for a long time, quit no prob both pregnancies and then quit for good a few years back - again no prob. How can this be so hard - so weird that this would have a hold on me like a drug. I have a parent that is an addict so I have always been fascinated about how that affects me - if it does - and now I find out I am addicted to + pregnancy tests. Who woulda thunk? Hahahaha.
Seriously tho, those suckers are very pretty and i cant get enuf!

Soooo here we are........
Friday 3/12 63
Monday 3/15 282

Nurse and doc very happy with those numbers. They are on the "high" side of normal, just a lil higher than what they say is the highest. I like that, I like that its not too high so I dont freak about Molar Pregnancy - I like this lil overachiever that we got going on in there!

I will now go for IVIg 2moro and then another beta on Wednesday. I'm hoping to be able to get the insurance to pay now that we have a confirmed pregnancy but we shall see. I spent a lot of time on the phone 2day with them and had to just quit cuz it was getting stressful. My boss is gone this week so I can make calls without worrying that he is wondering what the hell I am talking about.

I am 4 weeks now (really 4w1d but I refuse to go there, lol) so I have another week and a half until I can get an ultrasound to see whats going on in there, if the
baby is growing correctly and such then another week I guess until the HB. I think they said about 6 or 6 1/2 weeks for that. Seems like a long time but good thing they are having me come back EVERY OTHER DAY for beta blood test to check my numbers. OMG - can you believe that? Craziness, I'm not sure if I like that or not. I like to be monitored but I thought I would pass out today waiting on that darn call from the nurse!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE......

ok, so results are in:
Beta: This is what the doc calls the pregnancy (HCG) test = 63.1
Progesterone = 74.
Both numbers the doc was happy with so that is good. She said they were a "lil high" so that makes me feel good. I looked up and where I am right now in my cycle and normal range is 5-50 - very nice and assuring. I likey!
Then a few hours later I get a call telling me that I need to add a few things to my "cocktail" of meds/vitamins. Okee Dokee then..... as if its not hard enuf to keep all these pills straight already :-)
I think this is normal protocol with a BFP so I'm not worried - I didnt get a chance to ask but I think in one of our meetings with the doc (specialist in Illinois) I remember her saying that she would add some things when i got a positive beta. Anyhoo - now I take all the vitamins and meds i did b4 and adding in petrolium (i think thats what its called) its a progesterone pill and I need to take it twice a day and then also need to take 1 prednasone (steroid) pill twice a day instead of taking it only once a day.
I was also told I need to do another treatment of the IVIg on Monday - and because I have been in this place so many times (being preg then baby not progressing) I asked if it would be ok to wait until Tuesday to do it, AFTER I get the second set of test results. Just to make sure we dont toss in the garbage $2,100.00. I hate that I have to think that way, I hate that I cant just know that its gonna work out but I do have to accept that my history puts me at more of a risk that someone else so I need to accept that and move on. I am thrilled right now, right now to be pregnant at this moment and to have gotten over the 1st hurdle. Today is a good day!
lets see.... that puts me at 11 pills/vitamins, 2 blood thinner sub-q injections and 1 inter-muscular progesterone shot every day. I'm thinking Ive got to lose some weight with all this stuff - I mean c'on, where am I gonna fit food after all that?!?!?! LOL.
I am sore and bruised in the front and in the back, having some hard lumps from both of the injections as well but a-ok with all of it!

For my fellow POAS addict Miss Megan

Probably one of the best things you can see at this point. I have been here so many times over the last 3 years that its so hard to get excited, however, it sure is hard NOT to get excited. We have gotten past one hurdle - next will be the beta levels rising correctly, then the u/s to see fetal pole and sac, then the big one for us since we have never gotten that far..... the u/s for the heartbeat **gulp**.

Anyway, for now, this is the fun picture - i cant stop looking at them (the positive tests). I dont really know why, they look the same everytime i look at them. They sure do put a smile on my face tho :-)

Still hope?

Yesterday afternoon - around lunch time - i just couldnt wrap my mind around the fact that this could not work. With all the work put in, all the research, all the new medication, all the doctor visits, all the new tests and new expensive treatments, i just couldn't give up hope so i went to buy 2 more tests. I bought 2 from the dollar store and a 2 pack of FRER (first response early result) from Walgreens. The ones from Walgreens are pricey, a whoppin $15! Geesh! Anyway, took one of each of them here at work and one was positive (so very very light but there) and the other negative. So i thought there is still hope. I figured that the mornings test would show me a stronger line so i could feel good about it. I have never not wanted to test, i have never not wanted to wake up and run downstairs to test - today i didnt want to do it. I was afraid. I'm never afraid to test, it was weird. So of course i did test - cuz its who i am - and took 2 tests, 2 cheap tests. I can see the line, a very light light light - did i say light - line on both. Its there, im sure that if anyone else looked at it they would not see it but since Ive been doing this way too long i can see it. Of course i have more hope than i did yesterday morning but i am still not getting excited, which, again, is sooooo super weird for me. "A line is a line is a line" is what i have said to myself and to many other ladies so many times that i should probably have it tattooed on my forehead but this just doesn't seem sure yet. I took 4 tests yesterday, only 1 of them was a positive and it wasn't even a strong positive. I am what would be considered 11 days past ovulation right now so in a "normal" cycle a light line like this wouldn't concern me but this is an IVF and we put fertilized embryos back in there so I would have assumed a darker line would show.
I have never had such a light line on 11DPO in any of the pregnancies - now, I could look at it (and I'm really trying here) in a good way since none of those 4 pregnancies turned out very well. Maybe it took my body longer to implant and that is cuz things are going well. Who knows, all I know is I am in a daze and keeping hope but really hoping that the test line will be completely vi sable by the morning. My blood test is tomoro and i haven't even made an appt for it yet. I didn't want to jinx it - I may not even call until 2moro. They will take blood Friday and Saturday but I wont hear anything until Saturday since they send both blood samples in at the same time and call you with both results.

Saturday I will be taking Harmony and her friends to the Anime Convention for all day fun. I will be able to take calls and either enjoy the rest of the day with the ladies or go and break down in the bathroom for a min then get back to regular life.

Allergic reaction and negative test

So I'm not really liking this day much. I thought maybe I would be able to see something on a test this morning - its early but plenty of people can see something 9dpo so why not me? Nope, natta, hoping its just too early but not feeling as good about this time as I did a few days ago. Its hard not to feel like its not gonna happen and then to get pissed off and wonder how the HELL it isnt gonna work with putting 6 freekin embryos in there. Geesh.

As far as the allergic reaction, yesterday after the IVIg treatment I thought it was funny - today, not so much. I was told that it would be back to “normal” by the time I went to bed. Its still not normal. I'm posting a pic but it would be better if I could put a pic of the both of my arms together since then you would have a reference of what my arm really looks like but I cant take a pic of both arms myself. Maybe I will have one of the kids do it later. BTW, they think its hilarious. My arm is HUGE, really red and given off some serious heat, its about half the size it was yesterday when I left treatment but still very big. It feels weird to the touch to me anyway, like its filled with something but not really. I cant bend my arm all the way and I cant straighten it out all the way either. It hurts, like a really, really sore muscle, one you worked out too much or something. Its not the worst pain but add that into the bloating and emotions from the mega progesterone and the bruises on my belly plus the soreness from the POI (progesterone oil injections) and I am a mess. Like a 90 yr old lady for crying out loud.

The best part of all of this is when the nurses (both of them) saw it their eyes got huge and kept asking if I was ok, then went on to say many times how they had never seen a reaction like this. Of course they hadn’t..... only me...... are we all shocked..... sadly, not even in the slightest.
I am now waiting on a call back from them. They told me to take Benadryl and they would call me back to give me further instructions but then added again “if you cant breath go right to ER”. Okee Dokee, lol.